Awesome Quotes-Updated

I have had a lapse in creativity as of late. Fortunately over the years the people around me have said some really ridiculous things. Here's a few things various people in my life have said:

I love drawing dicks

Darn these plastic things

Who's gonna be the next hot mess I'm gonna date?

Assholes ruin lives

I can't picture myself making love to another woman

For as long as I have a face you will have a place to sit

Why's the peanut butter on the floor?

C'mon Dan, we've got birds in the car

Don't ask me! I date homeless people

You'll be too bored to cry

Last time I went on a free trip I got raped in a laundry room

They [boobs] must have grown steadily each day we've been apart

That girl gives good blowdryers

No vogue-ing and driving

Is butter a carb?

That girl is 10 minutes away from being fat

That's impossible...I know every adult gorilla in this country

There's 6 billion people on this planet...can't you go spend some time with them!?

I love Miss Piggy...she's just so glamorous!

Fine! I'll sleep downstairs and get robbed!

It was the only time I ever laughed and jerked off at the same time

[At the DMV] This ain't no modeling agency!

[looking at a pigeon] Oh look a chicken...quack quack!

I've never had sex with a fat person...have I?

He smelled like a sneeze

I'm so cold I'm gonna light myself on fire

Holy sh*t! There's not even a fat one to ruin it!

Who has dusty holes?

I wish he would jump into a garbage can and light it on fire

I'm the king of caulk!

Y'all are real regular

I'm hung like a field mouse

Oh grooming is really important...if you have lice, you're in big trouble

Candy (Thanks ladies for the inspiration!)

Valentines Day is upon us so let us get in the spirit! I'm looking forward to the candy hearts...if I was in charge they would be inscribed with a variety of phrases that convey every kind of emotion and gesture...especially sentiments that maybe aren't so easy to share. Let the candy do the talking!

Here are some ideas (don't steal them, Candy Makers!)

Google me
Confuse me
Roofie me
Scare me
Stalk me
Alienate me
Ignore me
Defriend me
Befriend me
Choke me
Spoon me
Leer at me
Ping me
Bbm me
Mms me
Sms me
Gps me
Tickle me
BS me
Tag me
UNtag me
Disappoint me
Bore me
Disgust me
Irk me
Squish me
Sext me
Poke me
Write on my wall
Kick me
Feed me
Sniff my hair
Deck me
Humiliate me
Forget me
Skype me
Turn the lights off
Turn the lights on
Massage me
Carry me
Drug me
Noogie me
Wax me
Intrigue me
Fax me (that's for the older folk)
Stop singing
Relinquish the remote
Don't touch
Have a personality
Find a gym
Get lost
Nice comb-over
Buy a vowel
Buy a clue
Off yourself
Up your Prozac
Listerine EVERYDAY!
Move on
And of course...
Effin' hug me!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Seriously?

On the behalf of my dog, am I supposed to be aroused or hungry?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

SOMETHING DUMB: Toyota

(From Yahoo! Finance Click Blog Title To Link)

(A Really smart comment made regarding the suspension of US sales for several Toyota models including Camry due to STICKING GAS PEDALS that could make cars accelerate without warning)

Toyota has said it was unaware of any accidents or injuries due to the pedal problems associated with the recall, but could not rule them out for sure.

Riiiiiight...because spontaneous, uncontrollable acceleration is seldom associated with accidents. Glad they weren't too hasty in ruling that possibility out. How conservative and thoughtful.

Why I couldn't date a Vampire

Edward Cullen
www.twilightblog.net

I, like many other teenage girls, women and sensitive males, have fallen into a deep Twilight trance (aka "twance") and am basing the premise of this post on what I learned about vampires from Twilight. If you haven't read and/or seen Twilight do NOT abort reading this vital commentary...it is full of life-altering content.

Why I couldn't date a Vampire

1) Vampires don't sleep: the bull about coffins or hanging upside down is a total myth. I sleep A LOT. What would my vampire boyfriend do while I was sleeping? Mmmmm...

2) Vampires can't be in the sun: Vampires can't go in the sun because they'll sparkle like a tranny's eyeshadow. Pretty...yes. Conspicuous...totally. I enjoy the sun tremendously so either I vacay without my vampire boyfriend or manage through explaining why my boyfriend twinkles.

3) Vampires don't eat "regular" food: The vampires in Twilight were on a "restricted" diet of just animals (as opposed to people). The main (and totally dreamy, yes, dreamy) Vampire, Edward, compared eating people food to eating dirt...he can do it but it's not pleasant. I would think having my Vampire Boyfriend just stare at me eat or leave me alone at a bistro to go snack on a squirel would eventually get old as food is a major part of the courtship for humans.

4) Vampires can't really hook-up: One of the great challenges for Vampires intermingling with humans is that it's like being a starving fat kid in a bakery...they're apparrently constantly fighting off the temptation to gobble you up. Therefore you can't fool around too much with your Vampire boyfriend or he will get too excited and eat you...like, literally.

5) Vampires live forever: This aspect is associated with several issues-

• Sordid Pasts: how are you supposed to live up to like 200 years worth of girlfriends? He has seen IT ALL for sure... I can't spend my time stressing about whether or not my Vampire Boyfriend is still hung up on some Victorian woman.
• Doesn't Age: Vampires remain the same age that they were when they were "turned" [into a Vampire]. Since it is safe to assume from what we've seen in Twilight, Vampire Diaries and even the Lost Boys...all Vampires seem to be "turned" during their smokin' hot prime. I can't spend my time worrying about the skank with the hover board and flying car he's gonna date when I'm beyond the help of botox and lipo.
• Immortal Speed/Strength: If I were to make an exception and date a Vampire for a bit confidentiality is really crucial. You can't, like, tell people you're dating a Vampire (for a variety of reasons including looking insane). If my Vampire boyfriend strapped me to his back and shot us up a tree or lifted a car off me, I'm just being honest, there is NO way I would be able to keep that to myself.
  

Quote of the Day

My friends are full of wise thoughts. If this isn't the right attitude to have about life, I don't know what is.

"I always say that I want to die going off a cliff in a red convertible, with my hair on fire, 3 naked prostitutes in the back seat and a trunk-full of IOU's."- Joe Q.

An Award Winning Performance: The Goonies

I think we all know this was one of the most compelling moments in cinematic history. Let us not forget Chunk's brave performance. Enjoy.

Courtesy of imdb.com (click Blog title for other inspiring quotes from the Goonies including important thoughts from Data)

[the Fratellis are interrogating Chunk]

Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!

Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Earth Shattering News: John Edwards admits he fathered child with mistress

From CNN.com (Click Blog title to link)
I like how it says "admits." How unbiased CNN. I am truly shocked. Truly. I'm seeing a pattern here: politicians and affairs. You heard it here first.

SOMETHING DUMB

Thanks to a little insomnia and stumble upon I found something really dumb. Happy Friday!

I WISH I WROTE THIS

I don't know this man...but you can read more of his stuff at www.artlung.com (click Blog Title to link)

I LOL'd so I thought I'd share:

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Nice "Vision"

There are some things in this world that I am pretty certain of...beets taste like dirt, there are 7 continents, sneezing too loud is annoying, whales are mammals and excessive use of metaphors when communicating a vision for a business plan sounds ridiculous. I get it- when rolling out something new, calling your "troops" to action you want to be inspiring but, really?! How many damn gold rings am I gonna reach for!? How many mountains am I gonna climb? And must we keep marvelling at the extra degree [of effort] needed to make water boil? I don't think the degree is extra, actually, it's just the temperature at which water boils. It like has to be there. It's not extra and no one is cooking. Today I had to think about "cogs" all day! I can't just be made clear on the key components for success? There just seems to be a lot of time wasted on "dressing" up language to say, "We have a lot crap to do. You need to understand X, Y, Z to do it. It must be accomplished in X time frame and don't get all discouraged or confused when annoying problems crop up along the way." Done. Meeting adjourned. Then teach us the stuff we need to know to do it and don't make us do weird activities to learn it...we were asked to toss yarn today. Yes, yarn. A puppet made an appearance too. I appreciate the effort to keep things "fun" but if my employer thinks that those are the kind of gimmicks needed to engage their workforce I'm kinda offended. I am a serious, important person who does serious, important things on and off the job. I can never be addressed by a puppet again or I will...I will...probably do absolutely nothing about it but still it's just really unnecessary.

BREAKING NEWS: CAREER LIMITING MOVE

While reaching to get a piece of bread at a company dinner...I know...why the carbs? I managed to catch a cloth napkin on fire...I am a waste of oxygen.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop Embarrassing Jesus!

From CNN.com

The report, which came out in November, found that the Catholic Church in Ireland covered up "widespread" child abuse from 1975 to 2004.

Umm...that's not very christian. This seems to be a bit of a pattern...I will tread lightly as this involves two things that make people uncomfortable: kids and religion but...The people responsible are pervy hypocrites. What were they thinking?! This kind of offense completely defeats the purpose of their committing themselves to God...like he just wouldn't notice? That's apparrently the thing about God...he like knows everything. I'm sure he thought they were THE WORST employees ever! I don't think this kind of behavior goes overlooked because you eat boring food, live in crappy housing, wear humble clothing and weird shoes and pray all day. I bet when they felt all guilty they would soothe themselves by repeating in their heads, "Jesus loves me yes I know" and I bet Jesus wanted to chime in so bad and be like, "NO I DON'T!"

Perhaps some attention should be paid to resolve this issue for awhile. It's probably best that worrying about atheists, the use of birth control and missionary (recruiting) activities take a back seat for a bit.

Dumb Person of the Day: Royal Caribbean Cruise CEO Adam Goldstein

It sounds like this man was being a bit lazy, huh? You don't drop tourists, band-aids and canned goods off at the same time somewhere! EVERYONE knows this! Click blog title for full article from Yahoo! News.

Here's what he has to say for himself :

(from the Royal [Retarded] Caribbean Company Site):



The ships going back to Labadee, including Navigator of the Seas today, are obviously making a very valuable contribution to the relief effort by offloading supplies at Labadee. The media understand this and generally have written and spoken about the relief effort in positive terms. But in the last 24 hours, sparked by an article in the Guardian in the UK, a different and more critical view has emerged that questions how our guests can justify having a good time in Labadee when there is such misery less than 100 miles away.



I see...some English journalist has blown this way out of proportion. Otherwise "cruising" and DOCKING through a devastated region normally would totally fly under the radar. Thank you insensitive man that is Lord of cheesy floating vacations for putting this into perspective.

Things Got Tricky

Despite how important and wise we may think we are, people are kinda simple. Fortunately many handy systems have been put in place to minimize confusion and avoid personal injury or death to humans. Humans get confused easily even when it involves basic tasks. For instance, virtually all electronics come with a friendly reminder outlining for us the perils of bathing with them...in the event that someone missed the memo that electronics don't enjoy water. But if that pamphlet wasn't enclosed would you assume that you had the thumbs up to start blow drying your hair in the shower? Probably not. Similarly, all the labels of cleaning products continue to read that it's not a wise (or delicious) idea to consume them. If such instructions were omitted, would you, in the face of a Coke shortage, make a Jack and Pinesol? No, I think not. I think I've made my point...though guidelines and warnings are important and appreciated, in their absence we're supposed to be able to use our best judgment...right? Nope. Case and Point: it seems that all over NYC there has been a malfunction with the Walk/Don't Walk signs-you know, the ones that show a red hand for don't walk and a white walking guy for walk. Anyway, apparently the hand and the man are appearing at the same time...sending a mixed signal to pedestrians...TRICKY, TRICKY! Now...if the traffic lights were malfunctioning too this would, in fact, be a sticky situation...but they're in working order sooooo why have people been getting hit by cars!? Obviously that's not funny...but really?! Were there no other cues as to whether or not it was a good time to walk or not? What's even more interesting is this is occurring mainly on NYC's Upper West and East Sides... Do I smell a conspiracy to smoosh yuppies in their natural habitat? No pilates class or dog grooming appointment is important enough to not look both ways!!

Tweet

I think there is only one "person" whose tweets are truly important. FYI: Tweet means post/update in Twitter language...we'll maturely ignore how closely it resembles a slang for female "private parts." Anyway, the only person who really SHOULD use Twitter, frankly, is the cable guy. It’s 2010 and we have yet to come up with a better system than marinate in your house and someone should be by anytime between 10 and 4...like maybe. It goes like this...

Person seeking Cable:"Can I make an appointment for Saturday?"
Cable Phone Representative with crappy personality: "No."

Ok...clear enough...but....it doesn't look so awesome to employers…missing work in the name of Sports Center. Now...let's imagine a super helpful cable guy tweet- " Attn: 41 Moron Street...finishing my last install...gonna grab a ruben. Be there in 45 min." This would totally have much more utility than the real-time updates the weird girl from high school posts on how she administers insulin to her fat cat Harold. Just sayin.

Conspiracy ALERT- Facebook FORCES Me to Shop...Kinda

Today I decided to take a stroll outside since it wasn't raining...this was a first since 1872 for New Yorkers so I had to seize the moment. By default, to avoid thinking stressful or important thoughts, I enjoy "daydreaming" about my wardrobe. I essentially get lost in a virtual inventory of my closet. I like to catalog all the upcoming activities I have on the horizon and which outfits would correspond appropriately. I'm a deep thinker. Sadly, each time I thought of a potential winning ensemble, I would remember, fu*k me! There's a picture of me wearing that on Facebook! I don't want everyone to be like, "There she is again in that damn polka-dot bustier!" Sadly this logic fails to recognize that I wish "everyone" was browsing my profile let along with such scrutiny. But that's really not the point. Facebook has essentially given us all the ability to be our own paparazzi. Sometimes, unfortunately, others do it on our behalves too...the dreaded tagged photo of you looking like a$$...

"How long has that been up for? I hope my crush didn't see that keg-stand photo where my shirt's around my neck, wearing a full coverage nude bra and my stomach looking like an un-baked grands biscuit!" This scenario alone, merits the need for a blackberry or i-phone if for no other reason. Anyho, as my wardrobe dwindled down to the only few options that remain with tags on it ("Hi my name's Toolbox and I'm a shopaholic..."Hi Toolbox.") I started wondering if I had time to go shopping today because clearly I HAVE NO CLOTHES!! Then I made a deal that first I must do some work and then I'm allowed to go shopping and that's how we arrived at this present moment, still procrastinating from doing work, but taking a stand against the fabricated need to consume created by Facebook! So I'm hear to admit something terrifying: I repeat outfits. I'm not deleting photos to try to obscure this unfortunate truth...just deal with it. I'm hear, I'm trying to be more thrifty, get used to it.

Some Annoying Things of Note

I'm gonna make this snappy because it is WAAAAAAAAAY past my bedtime but I shan't go to bed mildly annoyed by the following things:

• NYC's Speakeasy Boom- I'm not gonna lie, I kinda dig these exclusive, hard to find, basement-y places where the word bartender is a four letter word...it's mixologist, which I don't debate as they do make some pretty crafty concoctions. However they take it a bit far when its starts involving raw eggs n' such. Here's my gripe though- Um, drinking is perfectly legal so all the pretend secrecy is starting to get cheesy, what's next we all start doing lines of powdered sugar in the bathroom?
  
• The Excessive Use of the phrase "Stimulus Package" in marketing- Dominos has a "stimulus package," Trojan has a "stimulus package." Though competitively priced pizza and condoms does sound lovely I don't think its exactly the solution to our nation's financial problems. Just a hunch.
• Some Questionable Fashion Trends- The "Jesus" flats aka Gladiator Sandal won't go away (literally, it looks like the shoes Jesus wore); Jumpsuits (aka "onesies" for grown-ups) are in- which I have mixed emotions about...some I like, others have drapey crotches which I am already predicting girls will admire on each other perpetuating this dreaded look; in the meantime, the drapey crotch frock will expertly function as a man repellent. Suiting is creeping into odd places...some of this is working for me, as you see here (horrid photo compliments of Top Shop's Look Book...are you serious?).
• Obama Jokes Involving Chicken and/or Watermelon- do I really have to explain this? Is this really considered funny to people? I'm not even referring to the obvious, offensive nature these jokes. I'm specifically disturbed by the fact that people are so simple minded that they still find chicken and watermelon jokes funny. I've been doing some stand-up comedy lately, how come these morons don't come to my shows? It would make it a lot easier for me...I could just go up there make a few bathroom jokes and maybe choke a rubber chicken and I'd be an instant success!

Lastly, insomnia is kinda dumb. I could do without that as well. But it's still not as bad as being subliminally tricked into wearing outfits that make me look like I lost a really, really important bet.

Idiot Fish out of Water

Hi. I'm gonna ignore the 900lb gorilla in the room that is our inconsistent postings. After reviewing the site meter it has been brought to my attention that our readership has dwindled to those that serendipitously stumble upon our musings after googling something like impetigo from a tanning bed or worms in my yogurt read Wash Your Fruit in July 07 Archives or not...
Anyway, my career as an office raider has really taken off and has taken me to far away places including East Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I do not fit in there...at all. I, unfortunately, do not know any of the rules of Hasidism and have been breaking them all over town. I tried to shake one of my clients hands the other day...naturally he didn't want to shake my grubby hand and not taking the hint I essentially lunged at him and wrestled a hand shake out of him. If I had peed on him it would have been only a smidge more innappropriate. A few days later, I sashayed off an elevator in to the men's waiting parlor. Though after a night of heavy imbibing I often look like a hot tranny mess I am no man and do not belong there. Upon noticing the sign I went and sat on the other side in the ladies' waiting parlor. It's like middle school but not really at all. Then upon leaving the building a gentleman and I were waiting for the elevator, the doors flew open and I waltzed in and enthusiastically looked at the man to join me and he gestured for me to go on my way. There will be no riding on the elevators with moron girl or maybe just women in general, not sure.
After a day like this I asked Office Knight (aka my sister) to do a little research on the customs of Hasidic Jews and she said she would do no such thing because she was deriving entirely too much joy out of my blunders. I thought, perhaps you might too. Good day to you.

A Controversial Confession

Here goes. One…two…three. I don’t like reading fiction.

I’ve tried and tried and the same thing keeps happening. I get bored or confused or both and besides, reading fiction does not provide any tangible improvement to my life.

While you’re busy judging my intellect, consider a recent attempt to appreciate this genre via Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms.

“In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. In the bed of the river there were pebbles and boulders , dry and white in the sun, and the water was clear and swiftly moving and blue in the channels.”

Problem #1: Extraneous information


What do white pebbles have to do with anything? CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY. At most, the whole book should say, “We lived in a crappy house in a village and then a bunch of things happened such as (fill in the blank) and that’s pretty much it.” That’s the whole story. Not 332 pages of carrying on about dry pebbles and crinkly leaves and the coarse texture of someone’s wool coat.

Problem #2: Intentionally traumatizing one’s self


I believe that if I kept reading, a ton of the characters die. Assuming that one of life’s greatest agonies is mourning the deaths of other people, why would I suddenly say to myself, “It’s a beautiful day out. Let me read about made-up people who die.”
Or what about those fiction books where lizards and witches show up at banquets and get in fights or fly around in glittery outfits. Seriously.
**

Now contrast this with the life-enhancing genre of non-fiction.

Consider these forms…

Biographies – I got to read about Ted Kennedy banging people in someone’s study at parties. Riveting! Who would guess that wrinkled Ted Kennedy did anything but think about healthcare policy and drink too much. And why doesn’t this happen at the parties I go to?

Personal Finance – I’ve learned about building an airtight credit score which will lead to access to mortgages which will lead to a rockin’ apartment which will lead to awesome parties where my guests might bang people in my study.

Personal Transformation – I’ve learned that NOW is all we have. Am I lying in a ditch, staring at a gash in my leg, or trapped at an evangelical church service RIGHT NOW? No. So all is well. Now I can go back to thinking about Ted Kennedy or my disdain for flying lizards.

-Office Knight