Office Tan Uncovers the Truth

Office Raider told me that she wants to go camping to uncover her inner-explorer so I have been assigned the task of finding an exciting trip for us to go on. Upon searching for a camping adventure, I came across a hiking club that takes trips throughout the tri-state area. It seemed like a good match so I began reading through the site when I came across the page on “trip preparation.” I thought it was going to list a bunch of gear that we’d have to buy but instead it had a whole section about how you have to stretch before you hike and train really hard in advance to have superior fitness.

Is hiking really that hard especially in the towering mountains of New Jersey? Isn’t hiking just glorified walking? If you’re out “hiking” and you suddenly cannot put one foot in front of the other, as is done in traditional walking, sit the hell down until you can again. Repeat these steps until you’re back at your car.

Upon learning that hiking was being embellished as an act of major endurance, we at Office Tan decided to uncover other activities that sound a lot fancier than they really are. The list includes…

“Presenting” at a meeting. Whenever anyone tells me they had to present at work, I imagine that they had to stand in front of a packed auditorium while waving a wand at some really smart equations. “Presenting” at work is actually just sitting in your chair and reading a sentence about what you’ve been doing every day for the last week.

Battling flames as a wildland firefighter is actually just banging large gardening tools around while foliage sizzles nearby.

If you are Owfice Burn, “lunging” at someone who you are very angry with is actually saying your sweetest hello and then engaging in enthusiastic and friendly conversation.

An Office Technology Solutions Specialist, Office Raider’s former profession, is actually a Copier Salesperson (Office Raider preferred the former title when describing her vocation to male suitors).

“Networking” is eating lots of dinners and having lots of drinks while cackling your head off in the presence of others who might someday help you get a new job, contract etc.

Eating at a “fancy” restaurant when one is not in a large urban area is dining at Olive Garden.

Being sooo “busy” when one is 87 years-old is rushing to and fro one’s bible study group, mowing one’s lawn over and over again and baking mushroom casseroles. We know this from observing the Office Tan grandparents.

Playing rugby equals legally mugging people (JUST KIDDING!!) Playing rugby is precision, finesse, endurance and strength and it is only performed by fabulous people.

Being a “Producer” in Los Angeles is ordering lunch and some chairs for your friend’s cheap-o 10 minute film.

Speaking of LA, being a production assistant in Los Angeles is having to make pool water wiggle for a film scene. That was my extremely important job when I lived there. And I made zero dollars per day while doing this which equates to zero dollars per hour and exactly zero dollars per minute. It was lucrative.