The emergency

Owfice Burn and I had an emergency conversation two weeks ago. This is the same emergency conversation we've been having for years.

"Do you know any poems," I asked.

"Oh definitely," she bragged.

"Ok, quick. Tell me some of them. Details. Right now," I said.

Except, just as I suspected, she knows nothing about poetry either. She'll brag on this blog that she does--but investigate further and you'll find out that the extent of her poetry knowledge is Shel Silverstein's "Where the Sidewalk Ends".

So Owfice Burn and I are, once again, back at square one. Ask us about politics, finance, current events, real estate or beer and we'll give you an earful of information that sounds reasonably important. Ask us about deep stuff like poetry, art or the great works of literature and we're dead.

How are we supposed to make friends with all of those fun people who wear the artsy glasses and wispy skirts if we don't know this stuff!

Can someone please help with this emergency.

Oh and so you know, Office Raider doesn't know anything about poetry either.

On the Bashing-the-Bad-Dad Bandwagon

Why is it that every time I turn around I'm putting my tail between my legs for not posting? Whatev... I wish people were really angry enough that I would have to put my aforementioned "tail" between my legs. If I had a tail, though, you best believe it would be styled and coiffed to the max. Some days I would wear it all big and voluminous and other days, if I wanted to look serious and neat, I would tie it back into a bun. Yeah, that's how I'd handle having a tail. Moving on, some major news in the past week or so, eh? I'm sorry, I know everyone and their mom's dog walker's cousin's neighbor's husband has been blogging on the not- so- enviable parenting skills of Alec Baldwin. However, would really one more quick blurb regarding his really, really poor communication skills hurt the www? Probably not. I'll keep it short. For those who haven't heard it:

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/0419_baldwin.mp3

First of all...he's not sure if his daughter is 11 or 12 years old. I bet Ireland is WAAAAAAAY embarrassed at school. Thanks Mommy Kim. Also, what did he plan on doing when he claimed that he was going to get on a plane and "straighten her out" and then immediately go home. Does that sound a little murder-y or perve-y to anyone else? I have to say this whole situation has brought out the sexism in me because, like some suburban mom, I don't think this would be as appalling if this message were left for, like, a 15 year old son. Fifteen-year old boys often deserved to get called pigs. And my final comment: what's all the banter about feeling humiliated...um, it's your daughter, why are you so damn embarrassed in front of your own family members? I think this event has alerted all Dads around the world to only berate their offspring in person. Yup! The fun's over Bad Dad Community, no more scathing letters, e-mails or voicemails. What does his hot brother, Billy Baldwin, think of all this? I hope his uncle-ing style isn't from the same sheet of music.

Office Tan--International Edition Part Duex

And, um excuse me...why do these terrorist kidnapping plots keep getting more and more ridiculous? This latest release with the 'ill fitting suits' is just too much. Look at the guy to the left of the woman with the headscarf (nice touch btw). Besides looking like he's busy smelling something, he also looks most annoyed by the 'ill fitting suit' situation, and kinda resembles pee wee herman come to think of it. (oh man, i am now secretly hoping that pee wee herman gets kidnapped next. you are too...admit it right now.) ok, getting back to my important analysis, the guy in the back left doesn't seem to mind his 'ill fitting suit' at all, and rather seems giddy over the whole debacle (this would definitly be my attitude). oh, and ps, the intellectual property world is all a-buzz because apparently the shirts are counterfeit Hugo Boss. Can't these terrorists get anything right?!?

Office Tan--The International Edition--Part 1

Excuse me, but why do British people often look like they're busy sniffing something?

Special Report: Office Raider is Very Dangerous Looking

Hi folks! I know, I know. I'm the most fair-weather blogger that ever lived. As soon as the shi% hits the fan, I'm out like a fat kid in dodge ball. In our time apart, however, I have collected quite a nice collection of foolish interactions that I will likely embellish on here. As you know, the officetan headquarters has moved to the hipper (and dangerously close to times square) Hell's Kitchen. When apartment hunting, I took a leap of faith and signed a rental contract despite the fact that my apartment was a pile of dust, literally. Being the detail oriented, office-y type I made a point of dropping in weekly to check up on the construction progress. To do this, however, I would have to wait for someone to let me in the building because I hadn't been blessed with a set of keys just yet. Well...in my sweetest voice, I kindly asked an older lady going into the building if I could come in with her and I explained that I was a new tenant but didn't have keys yet. She barked at me, "If you don't have keys you can't come in!" She was muttering some other nonsense too but who knows what she was saying. As she's barking at me and protecting her building from the dangerous bouffant on the stoop, she squeezes through the door to get into the building. Um, was barely opening the door and squeezing through really necessary? Did she honestly think I was gonna plow through despite our lovely exchange. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda, secretly enjoyed being treated like a dangerous intruder. To top it off, Ms. Neighborhood Watch McGruff lives across the hall from me. Guess I'm not so dangerous anymore.

A report from the new Office Clan headquarters

Our new apartment makes us so happy. It's a million times better than our old place which made us feel like we were living in an unimportant cave. However, nonsense follows the Office Clan wherever we go and a new address can't change that. Following are a few episodes that have taken place in the short 9 days since we began our new lives.

1. I brought my old lady grocery cart with me just in case I wanted to wheel my clothes to a laundromat. Office Raider and I promptly agreed that the old lady cart had to be stowed outside the apartment door so it didn't ruin our new ambience. Within 24 hours, someone stole it. Suspicious. I think it was one of my sticky-fingered senior citizen neighbors. I promptly posted a sign to request it's safe return and surprise, it was returned in the night. So I left the cart outside the door again (still didn't want it to ruin the ambience) and it got taken...again. I've posted another sign but I'm afraid it's a permanent captive now in an AARP member's home. I guess that's what happens when one owns an extremely valuable grocery cart.

2. Office Raider stirred me one evening from my important thinking to report that her radiator was breathing scalding steam all over her room. I marched in to the assess the situation (I'm a trained plumber) and nearly had my face melted off as I tried to clamp the heat valve shut--but unfortunately there was nothing I could do. The radiator valve was broken (I was too weak). Fearing that the whole apartment was going to be steamed into ruins, we called FDNY, who sped over and rescued us and shut off the valve. They rock and are great at shutting off radiator valves.

3. And to conclude today's adventure log, I'd like to report that Office Raider has transformed herself into a bilingual construction foreman. While we are very excited that our apartment is renovated, when we arrived we noticed that some of the work had not been completed--like the shower. Office Raider assigned herself to take a day off from work to supervise the construction by shouting various Spanish commands that she learned during her days as the star of her AP Spanish class.

Over and out,

Office M. Knight