Sunday, August 26, 2007

NYC: Another Stab at Rationalizing the Insanity


If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. This song pretty much only reminded me of the numerous unauthorized "covers" compliments of inebriated college boys. Frank Sinatra was a close second. Now, when I think of this song, I think, damn, this song is true. I'd love to go on and on and on about how if you can afford a half way decent abode here then you would definitely be the resident "king of the hill" in many other cities; BUT that would compromise my award winning reputation as a blogger with original thoughts. Therefore, we will spend these next few moments exploring how the everyday nonsense that we've come to tolerate and heck, sometimes love in NYC would, most likely, in the majority of other American cities lead to disciplinary action up to and including incarceration. What inspired this posting was a boisterous pairing of adolescent trannies that bursted into a local Dunkin Donuts this past Friday early evening. I happened to be enjoying a blueberry iced coffee while I chatted formally on the phone with a superior of mine. Two VERY loud, giggly tranny girls tried to sell me a painting. Talk about awkward. I had to figure out how to sound responsible and respectful but not really loser-y to appease both parties while dealing with this charade. There is one thing right, however, about this situation. In NYC, we have trannies that are in their teens. In other cities you aren't allowed to be a tranny let along when you're a 15 year old. However, they really shouldn't have been peddling me their high school art. I highly doubt that was legal especially using Dunkin Donuts as their exhibit space.
Another time I was enjoying a very informal conversation with my elder sister, office doll (office knight and I have a sister who is a toy buyer), and she heard the sounds of a very loud bird interrupting our un-important conversation. "Are you in a pet shop?"
Oh No. I was not in a pet shop. Point of clarification: Office Raider doesn't usually go to pet shops, by the way. Not that there would be anything wrong with that but I just don't. I was raised in a zoo. I only roll with elephants and shi+ anyway.
Anyway, no, no, I was not in a pet shop. That was the local man that believes he's a bird. I've seen this man about three times. He seems to live in or around Chelsea or at least likes to do his bird stuff there. He just walks through the streets making bird noises and he has feathers on his head and wears a shiny nylon jacket with a bird embroidered emblem on the back. He's really good at the bird noises FYI. In most other places he would be at least told to stop by an official. And then of course, there's the usual. The talking to oneself or even arguing with oneself which at one point seemed to have gone up exponentially until it was discovered that people that don't drive like to employ hands-free ear pieces. And finally there is the whole sleeping on the streets which we explored here http://officetan.blogspot.com/2007/08/were-kinda-busy.html
The majority of New Yorkers think nothing of the hundreds of people that sleep upon the concrete. So, you see, if you can make it here, not only will you make it anywhere, but you're also likely to be bored out of your mind too.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Consumer Update


Have you ever contemplated getting a body wrap? This is a spa service where one is wrapped up like a burrito after they're basted in a moisturizing, exfoliating preparation. I tried one just this past weekend and I must say not as invigorating as I imagined. After numerous weekends away from home, my inner mommy-dearest demanded that I stay in and relax. I was gonna get a massage (a normal one, perves) but nooooooo, seduced by the menu of exotic treatments, I chose the "Slimming" body wrap. Why? Not sure. This was my first trip to this spa as well. It will rename nameless, I'm hardly qualified to be a spa critic. The spa was different. Not really a vision of relaxation as it was crammed with people and decorating and cleaning was hardly high on their list of priorities. I found this "spa" on spafinder.com. It had good customer reviews. No one cared to mention even in a PC way, such as "no frills," that this place was, well, not so glamorous? Think Coming to America barber shop as the structural setting. Before anyone decides that I'm a carrier of some gross beauty parlor disease, I will preface that it seemed sanitary. So I go up to this room where I find a pair of disposable panties. I begin to undress, as instructed, only to be barged in on by another woman who wants to explain to me that I should put the toilet paper panties on. Thanks. I'll spare you every step, all you need to know is that some black mud was smeared on my entire body with what appeared to be an actual paint brush and then I was wrapped up in a silver space blanket (aka tinfoil) like a glow worm. I was then left to sweat my ass off on a massage table that was encased with an electric blanket for an indefinite period of time. It was kinda nice. Oh, except for the part where I was barged in on two other times by various staff. I would've waived but I couldn't.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

We're Kinda Busy


Summertime is a difficult time to blog. By the way, I don't like the word, "Blog," being an official word that has been so Incorporated into our language it can be a noun or a verb. I don't know, maybe I'm being judgemental because it sounds a lot like blob. Well, anyway, as I mentioned we've really not been able to blog (gross) as of late. I've just been very busy with tanning and trying to save the world. Recently I tried to save a struggling young woman from herself, actually. As I walked down my block close to the midnight hour I saw a girl taking a "nap" in the middle of the sidewalk. This napping station clearly was poorly selected as I would imagine her decision making skills were out to lunch compliments of a popular injectible also known as heroine. Maybe it was crack. Not sure. Typically in NYC to see someone napping on the ground is hardly a noteworthy event. However, this young lady, had broken several of the unwritten rules to sleeping in the great outdoors. Number one: you have to nap up against a building. The middle of the sidewalk leads others to believe that you potentially did not intend on napping, as in you're dead or almost dead. Secondly, she looked like someone who had just past out after coming from dance class. She was donning short Lycra-like shorts, a tank top, and one of those flimsy back packs that people use to carry their tap shoes and stuff. This is not appropriate narcotic fiesta attire. Add to this that she looked relatively clean, another no-no if your goal is to not be disturbed while sleeping on a sidewalk. I factor all this into my mind and decided to call 911. I could see that she was breathing so I didn't try to wake her because people sometimes act like wild boar when they're on drugs. The last thing I needed was some doped up dancer flailing around before the ambulance arrived. So I stood back and supervised. I was a safety patrol in 5th grade, you know. Of course, all of Hell's Kitchen wanted to know what was going on too. I quietly told each and every passerby that I had called an ambulance and then gave each and everyone the "go away" look. So I'm waiting and waiting and then a throng of drunken tourists from the UK crowd around and start cackling, "She's dead!" Looking at me, asking me if I had tried to wake her. Suddenly, without my authorization, one of them taps her shoulder and what happens? She acts like a wild boar. Jumps up and spins around, looking at the crowd of people watching her nap and yells in a deep voice, "HEY!" She marches away in a zig zag and my heroic effort is thwarted. I don't think she was a dancer at all. All of her teeth were missing. So, in fact, she was observing one of the snoozing on concrete rules.
When the weather becomes lame again we will aim to increase the frequency of our important posts. You're anticipated understanding is appreciated. (I love "anticipated" anything, cooperation, compliance, generosity because it's a nice way of saying, "You better fu(kin' do whatever it is we're asking).