ALERT: Bad Decision Epidemic in Berlin

It's happening again...Writers' block or should we call it bloggers block? Ewww...that's gross. So I'm thinking what can I write about? Do I tell everyone about how tonight I thought my Grandma tried to kiss me? Riveting, I know, but you had to be there. So I took a moment to peruse the "Odd News" section on Yahoo in hopes that it would give me some inspiration. Boy, they sure aren't kidding when they say it's "odd." Ooooohhh an abstract of odd news, how clever. So here are some stories that caught my eye:

LILLINGTON, N.C. - A woman attacked a man in his genitals during a Christmas party, injuring him badly enough that he needed 50 stitches

My important commentary: First of all...sounds like the WORST party EVER! It also notes that this party was at the man's girlfriend's house. Soooo who is this penis-knapping woman? Sounds like, YET ANOTHER, affair gone awry. And what's up with the awkward sentence...attacked a man in his genitals? Huh? Did she crawl in there and start tearing shi% up? I think attacked a man's genitals would have sufficed. Moral: don't invite the "other woman" to the Christmas Party...geeze!

BERLIN (Reuters Life!) - Berlin police said on Wednesday they had rescued a motorist who ended up wedged upside down in a drain after trying to retrieve car keys he had dropped.

My important commentary: For the love of God...call a locksmith or something. He must have been kinda embarrassed. Oh! And I love the word motorist which makes anyone who drives a car sound like they have a really fancy skill set.

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police arrested a man for drunk driving after he mistook a police spot check for a breakdown and stopped to help.

My important commentary: Honestly...that rocks!

BERLIN (Reuters) - A thirsty German sold his 6-year-old step-daughter's pet beagle to the owner of a bar to pay for beer, the Bild newspaper reported Friday.

My important commentary: Uh-oh, can we say "BAD DAD ALERT," and for beer, no less...SHAME! Can some celebrity go adopt this man's six year old daughter and get her another damn dog?

One final thought...three out of four of these stories came out of Berlin. I'm seeing a pattern here. If you have any plans to travel to Berlin soon I would advise against it, it seems like their problem solving skills are lacking...Certainly not in originality though. Of course the really
fuc%ed up one came out of good ole' North Carolina.

Happy New Years! What's up with Auld Lang Syne? Does anyone really know the words?

Stop the Confusion! Office Raider vs. Office Knight

It has been brought to our attention at Officetan that many readers are having trouble remembering the difference between Office Raider and Office Knight...some even think we're the same person. I will review the similarities as well as the difference and we apologize for any confusion this has caused.

Some things Office Raider and Office Knight have in common:

• Same Parents
• Same Residence
• Same Siblings
• Same love for sleep
• Same Marine Corps training
• Same property insurance
• Same struggles with clutter
• Same hair dresser
• Same weakness for really expensive jeans

Here are some KEY differences:

• Office Knight works in finance and has an office
• Office Raider (me) works in "healthcare" and does NOT have an office...hence raiding others
• Office Knight was born in the 70's
• Office Raider was born in the 80's. How come everything 80's sounds embarrassing?
• Office Knight cooks delicious balanced meals whose aromas make our neighbors jealous
• Office Raider lives off of yogurt, eggs, and oatmeal...but can cook if necessary
• Office Knight can hold her own in a discussion about world politics
• Office Raider is a little behind on world politics
• Office Knight uses friendster as her primary online social network
• Office Raider uses myspace as her primary online social network...and promotes this blog heavily on her profile

Alright, you get the idea. As for Owfice Burn...she has never had any trouble separating herself from the pack with that beautiful accent that she writes in...sorry Anthony.

"That's Quite a Dream there, Joe"

Okay...I'm really not looking to lose friends or ignite a fiery religious debate BUT I do have to direct some attention to a particular passage in the bible regarding the birth of Jesus. Since it's Christmas, I thought this might be a nice time to do so...please review.

The Birth of Jesus Christ
This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[c] because he will save his people from their sins. "
(From BibleGateway.com Mathew 1)

I'm sorry...Let me see if I understand this...Mary was married to Joseph and shows up pregnant and Joseph is totally pissed because he knows it's not his. So he's all ready to get a divorce and one night while Joseph slept quietly (probably in some ratty barn in a sketchy night gown) he has a dream and in this dream he's told by some Lord secretary or "Angel of the Lord" not to worry about his "virgin" wife being knocked up because the baby was given to her from the Holy Spirit sans hanky panky. Umm...Since when are dreams the source of explanation and authority? Anyone else think either Joseph was exercising some serious wishful thinking or perhaps a rich dad dreamed up this idea to avoid his daughter getting a bad name...Which, by the way, would be totally lame, shi% happens, people get pregnant, doesn't mean they're naughty or slutty. I'm not saying it's not true...All I'm saying is that it sounds really made up.

'Tis the Season

'Tis the season! 'Tis the season to find oneself in overcrowded retail environments filled with aggressive patrons hustling around for the "perfect" (aka cheap but looks expensive) gift for their loved ones, not-so-loved ones, co-workers, bosses, neighbors and last-minute-reciprocal gifts from those random, unexpected acquaintances. 'Tis the season to receive your 800th 4-oz bottle of Bath and Body Works shower gel in a fruit scented variety that doesn't truly exist in nature. 'Tis the season to thank the deity of your choice for overdraft protection. And finally 'tis the season to start formulating next years new year's resolutions...HINT: if the same resolution keeps appearing at the top of your list since the 80's you might wanna hang it up...It's not really panning out. Maybe take the reverse psychology route:
"Who cares if I save at least $15k this year?"
"Why would I wanna drop these 10 beautiful pounds?"
"Does it really matter that I'm pushing 30 and still can't make the time to call my grandparents at least once a quarter?"
"I'm really not seeing the value in donating to charity."
"Renting forever is the best way to secure wealth!"
"Volunteering makes absolutely no sense...I know a large corporation that is willing to pay me oodles for my precious time."
"Why would I dream of beginning to collect pieces that would make my dwelling not appear as though a college freshman decorated it?"
"Why should I try to enhance my culinary skills when those delicious, short order Asian Bistros have delivered many fine meals, in a timely fashion, I might add."
And finally...
"Why in the world would I want to get more education and have additional pesky letters following around the enchanting cluster of characters that spell my name?"

In short my new year's resolution is to not change a damn thing...Let's hope irony take over.

Mean Person Alert: Donald Trump

In case you’ve missed the background story on why Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump are fighting, click here.

Donald Trump has made numerous disparaging comments about Rosie’s figure and appearance. I thought that making comments about people’s weight went out of style in the 80’s when Tracy Gold became anorexic as a result of the fat jokes that were part of the Growing Pains plot. In addition, Trump also claimed that getting Rosie’s wife Kelli to leave her would be simple. So simple that all he would have to do is send one of his “pals” to their house and Kelli would leave.

Since Office Tan is a publication for mature and refined readers, I will not comment on how Donald Trump is sitting in a REALLY fragile glass house as he hurls his insults. In addition, I will not recall the time that I saw Donald Trump in person when he was a guest at the Ellen DeGeneres show where I happened to notice that he was (to use the technical term) not-so-svelte himself. Finally, I will not mention that his comb-over looks like a red-brillo-creepy-pasted on-smelly-sprayed-creepy (again)-cheap-gross toupee.

Now, Rosie has commented that she brought Kelli to work because she’s afraid that “someone with a comb-over” is going to go to her home and steal her. Obviously, Kelli can’t go with Rosie to work every day so Office Tan is asking for volunteers to sit for 8 hour shifts outside of Rosie’s home on “comb-over watch” for the next week in case Donald or one of his pals comes by. And don’t worry about volunteering for Christmas Day. Office Raider was kicked out of the church long ago and will take that shift.

Rising and Shining to Give God My Glory Glory

Someone has died, someone is missing, someone’s country has fallen apart. This is what I hear on the news every morning when my clock radio begins playing to alert me that it’s time to wake up.

I struggle with waking up as it is and then to hear some god awful news is a bad way to start the day. But I am a woman of action. Yesterday, I rolled my radio dial across various channels until I found a station that is in Turkish. So now, when I wake up I can listen to sad/bad news in Turkish.

A Very Important Research Report from Office Tan

Besides being a source of inspiration for your life in the office, we, at Office Tan, strive to bring you cutting edge research reports on employment. Today, we are releasing an in-depth study that we have conducted called, “Jobs Where You Get to Yell at People”. If yelling at people is your passion, then turn your passion into your profession with one of these jobs. The top 4 jobs include…

4. Post office worker (urban areas only) – if you really like yelling at people, start this job during the holiday season. I was there yesterday and it was a zoo with numerous opportunities for yelling at people. There were TWO employees berating an old and frail woman for putting Express Mail tape on her Priority Mail package. I know, I couldn’t believe that someone would make that mistake either. In rural areas like Kentucky, these jobs are not suitable for yeller-at-ers. You’ll see maybe one customer per day and that person will probably be your neighbor. Yelling at your neighbor (who probably owns a shotgun)=not a good idea.

3. DMV worker – same idea as the post office AND unlike the post office where dissatisfied customers can go to FedEx or UPS, there are no alternatives to the DMV for driving stuff. So you really can yell at a bunch of people and they won’t leave.

2. Traffic cop – This one is dedicated to Owfice Burn who takes great delight in observing traffic cop rage during her daily commute over the Brooklyn Bridge. Owfice Burn conducted this study and reports that traffic cops will sometimes chase your car and bang on it if you miss one of their hand signals. So maybe this job is most suitable for people who are passionate about chasing cars…and banging on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE JOB FOR YELLING AT PEOPLE IS…

1. Military drill instructor – Office Raider and I each attended a military boot camp one summer during our college years. If you get this job, you will go to SCHOOL to learn how to yell at new recruits. I was yelled at often for allegedly smiling when I was supposed to be practicing my stern military face, allegedly looking like a boy (whoops!) and for (not allegedly) “sucking” at everything. With this job, you are permitted to tell all recruits at all times that they “suck”. Is that your passion? Then credit Office Tan with revealing the key to a rewarding career path.

Green Onion Indictement Looms

In regard to the latest taco bell e-coli assault:

Green onion, listen up, you're free to walk the streets, FOR NOW.

“There’s nothing to implicate green onions right now,” said Dr. David Acheson, chief medical officer for food safety at the federal Food and Drug Administration.

Spinach has been subpoenaed and isn't talking.

The investigation is however ongoing.

This made me chuckle

Free Myspace Comments

Listen...I spent the whole night trying stay awake in front of damn chilean sea bass...this is all I got for now...my deepest apologies. Please check back frequently for when my creativity returns.

An Office Tale

As reported earlier, I, Office Knight, have taken a new job. We* are so pleased with our new job because we get to think important finance thoughts all day which we have loved doing ever since we learned that smart financial moves=more money for Chinese food takeout (our favorite).

We are also especially delighted that our new job, while technically a Wall Street position, does not resemble the dry and cutthroat Wall Street of the movies. In fact, during our work day, we have been invited to office karaoke parties, bake sales, author readings and ice cream socials. We feel that we are actually attending a really fun middle school.

On Thursday, however, our office bliss was crushed. We had attended a lunch and had carefully saved our cookie in a plastic lunchbox which we placed in the office refrigerator. We didn’t put our name on it because we did not want to look foolish in our Wall Street job. Hours later, we returned to find that the cookie had been gobbled up by one of our esteemed colleagues. We are still considering launching an investigation or hanging a note in said fridge to warn potential thieves.

Beware of crossing Office Knight.

*I’ve elected to use the “royal we” as inspired by our dear friend La Gringa

New Health and Wellness Guidelines

Okay...I've sort of had it with these lethal vegetables. First spinach, now green onions?? For years the understanding has been that vegetables are the mainstay of a healthy diet. Children have been harassed for eons to eat spinach, a conspiracy so omnipotent that even the cartoonists got involved creating Popeye the sailor man and his anorexic wife. In retrospect, Olive Oyl being so skinny made sense if all she and Popeye ate was spinach but I find it highly suspect that Popeye was able to reach such hypertrophy on spinach alone...I smell foul play. It's neither here nor there at this point, I guess.
So here's my gripe: We have now lost two things that were supposed to be good for us and that are now downright dangerous. So I would like to swap these two things out (the green onions won't be missed on dates around the world, but who cares) for two things that are currently dangerous that should now be made unharmful or hell, part of a healthy lifestyle.

1) Tanning: I don't like being pale. I mock being pale...hello, Office Tan?? Until now, I've suffered through the embarrassment of brown collars and bra straps and sheets stamped with my bronze silhouette. Today I am tossing out my self tanners, canceling my airbrush tan membership and booking a trip to an exotic location directly on the equator. Sun Seekers rejoice! UV rays prevent cancer, boost immunity and kiss your skin with an irresistible cinnamon hue that renders potential suitors practically powerless. Great, that's done.

2)Alcohol: I know, I know there's been studies that show that 1-2 drinks/day has cardiovascular benefits but I'm not talking about being allowed to have a small, daily dose of alcohol. First, I would like the 7 calories per gram of alcohol to be removed. Then I would like alcohol to not only not interfere with my ability to operate heavy machinery but enhance it so I can drive myself to and fro my debauchery depot of choice without a shred of guilt or concern for my legal record. Finally, I would like the new guidelines to show that alcohol improves liver function and that shots are a crucial part of any meal and that keg stands should be supplemented whenever possible.

As more and more things like running and flossing become increasingly harmful additional splurges will be reviewed and recommended.

TGIF without DJ Tanner is IF. Happy Friday my friends.

Gargamel, We Were Wrong

I've been thinking a lot about Gargamel again, the cranky guy from the smurfs. It occurred to me recently that maybe he wasn't a bad man. Maybe he was just depressed and didn't have health insurance to get the medicine that he needed. If that was the case, shouldn't we all feel bad for being so damn judgmental of Gargamel for all of these years.

Look at what some bitchy person wrote about him on Wikipedia?

"Gargamel is an evil wizard whose main goal is to destroy the smurfs. His back is perpetually stooped, his robe is worn and patched, and his teeth are rotten."

The stooped back, the rotten teeth, yeah he definitely didn't have health insurance. And was it necessary to make fun of his clothes? The smurfs didn't look so attractive either in their clothes but you never hear about that.

Anyway, take a moment today to think about Gargamel and then ask yourself if maybe you've been a little unfair.

Gargamel, wherever you are, we're sorry.

-Office Knight

Deep Thoughts by Office Raider

Today my mobile office didn't start...aka my not-so-well built American made company vehicle. This is certainly understandable since it is pushing 2 years old...NOT. Yup, I said, NOT. Anyhoo, I had to wait in my unheated car for roadside assistance and during that time I had a chance to ponder some questions that you, the sophisticated readers of Office Tan, may want to mull over as well.

Why does my Duane Reade pharmacist have no teeth?

I wonder if the woman that was wearing a cow costume when I almost ran her over is still mad at me?

Why has the cost of almost every good or service in the past 10 years gone up with the exception of the lap dance? Still $20!

Why did former president Andrew Jackson not comb his hair before his photo shoot for the twenty dollar bill?

Why has Taco Bell been generously offering up free E-Coli to poor, unsuspecting residents of Long Island and New Jersey? Is this some kind of B&T genocide dreamed up by the same people that came up with "Think outside the bun?"

Why do I see old men coming out of peep shows at 11:00am on a Tuesday? Is this the only time and place they could think of to "romance" themselves?

Why are the employees of AM New York so damn enthusiastic?

Do you think Smurfette got to hook up a lot?

How is that it took me until this year to find out that Duane Reade is an intersection in lower Manhattan and not a dude that looks like Eddie Murphy?

Did anyone else think that 1010 Wins was 1010 Winds? I did.

Ok. That's enough. By the way, Office Raider and Office Knight are two different people. I'm Office Raider.

This is one of my favorite lies EVER!

News from the 80's: Ms. Francis Hoffman Loses her Virginity to Someone Mean

I've been walking around with this analysis in my head for years and I'm finally gonna toss it out to ya...what the hell is Johnny Castle's problem in Dirty Dancing? I watched Dirty Dancing like 8 million times as a child, much to my bee keeper Grandpa's chagrin because he didn't like all that "rawk muuze-ik." So I know pretty much every line and am totally guilty of over using "Nobody puts baby in the corner" as cheap attempt to stand up for myself. So back to Johnny Castle...First of all, anyone notice he wore the same outfit the entire movie? The reason I take issue with Johnny is he was totally bitchy to Baby the whole time and yet she was still enamored with him. Being exposed to this at a young age is probably why I may have made some very unwise boyfriend choices in the past :ZING:
Don't cha think it's a little ridiculous that Baby wasted her whole summer in the Catskills learning silly dance numbers because Penny got knocked up by Robbie the creep? What's Penny's problem? Just 'cause you get pregnant and then have an abortion doesn't mean you can't dance for a whole summer. And did you notice that Johnny didn't know that her real name was Ms. Francis Hoffman 'till after they did a lil' horizontal dirty dancing. I will say this though...When Baby carried the watermelons to that slutty, sweaty "staff only" dance club I immediately wanted to work at that resort so I could bump in grind with my cohorts after hours. And one more thing...Baby's sister, Lisa, was really lame and couldn't sing at all.

Yes its friday night and i am pulling my weight on the blog

ummm...just to add to office raider's important rant, why is it necessary for my dying cell phone to frantically alert me every 5 seconds that it's running on empty?? i feel like that beep alone is draining a significant portion of its dwindling little span. what consumer compaint prompted them to install the most f'in annoyingly loud and unrelenting alert beep?? i imagine that some glamerous individual probably missed a crucial social function because they were not informed that the tiny sliver of red in the battery icon meant: LOW BATTERY!! perish the thought that one should be incommunicado and lose connection to the civilized world for even a moment. as a result we all must now suffer the consequences. ok, enough for now: weekend is here and i have many important social functions to attend. thanks to my well charged cell phone, i shant miss a moment of action.

Hold Me...Nah, just kidding. No touching

I really enjoy the "critical battery" alert because it always reminds me to plug in my computer to avoid the risk of losing "my work." Point of clarification: Unfortunately, at NO TIME am I ever doing any "work" on this computer. My work computer, however is another story. I do lots of important stuff on there. I would appreciate the option to customize this display so it would read something more appropriate like "Hey numbnutz...plug in your computer to avoid losing your nonsense." I don't have much to say today so this concludes the documentation on my really fascinating thoughts for now. Shake what your mama, or legal guardian or whatever, gave ya.