Seriously?

On the behalf of my dog, am I supposed to be aroused or hungry?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

SOMETHING DUMB: Toyota

(From Yahoo! Finance Click Blog Title To Link)

(A Really smart comment made regarding the suspension of US sales for several Toyota models including Camry due to STICKING GAS PEDALS that could make cars accelerate without warning)

Toyota has said it was unaware of any accidents or injuries due to the pedal problems associated with the recall, but could not rule them out for sure.

Riiiiiight...because spontaneous, uncontrollable acceleration is seldom associated with accidents. Glad they weren't too hasty in ruling that possibility out. How conservative and thoughtful.

Why I couldn't date a Vampire

Edward Cullen
www.twilightblog.net

I, like many other teenage girls, women and sensitive males, have fallen into a deep Twilight trance (aka "twance") and am basing the premise of this post on what I learned about vampires from Twilight. If you haven't read and/or seen Twilight do NOT abort reading this vital commentary...it is full of life-altering content.

Why I couldn't date a Vampire

1) Vampires don't sleep: the bull about coffins or hanging upside down is a total myth. I sleep A LOT. What would my vampire boyfriend do while I was sleeping? Mmmmm...

2) Vampires can't be in the sun: Vampires can't go in the sun because they'll sparkle like a tranny's eyeshadow. Pretty...yes. Conspicuous...totally. I enjoy the sun tremendously so either I vacay without my vampire boyfriend or manage through explaining why my boyfriend twinkles.

3) Vampires don't eat "regular" food: The vampires in Twilight were on a "restricted" diet of just animals (as opposed to people). The main (and totally dreamy, yes, dreamy) Vampire, Edward, compared eating people food to eating dirt...he can do it but it's not pleasant. I would think having my Vampire Boyfriend just stare at me eat or leave me alone at a bistro to go snack on a squirel would eventually get old as food is a major part of the courtship for humans.

4) Vampires can't really hook-up: One of the great challenges for Vampires intermingling with humans is that it's like being a starving fat kid in a bakery...they're apparrently constantly fighting off the temptation to gobble you up. Therefore you can't fool around too much with your Vampire boyfriend or he will get too excited and eat you...like, literally.

5) Vampires live forever: This aspect is associated with several issues-

• Sordid Pasts: how are you supposed to live up to like 200 years worth of girlfriends? He has seen IT ALL for sure... I can't spend my time stressing about whether or not my Vampire Boyfriend is still hung up on some Victorian woman.
• Doesn't Age: Vampires remain the same age that they were when they were "turned" [into a Vampire]. Since it is safe to assume from what we've seen in Twilight, Vampire Diaries and even the Lost Boys...all Vampires seem to be "turned" during their smokin' hot prime. I can't spend my time worrying about the skank with the hover board and flying car he's gonna date when I'm beyond the help of botox and lipo.
• Immortal Speed/Strength: If I were to make an exception and date a Vampire for a bit confidentiality is really crucial. You can't, like, tell people you're dating a Vampire (for a variety of reasons including looking insane). If my Vampire boyfriend strapped me to his back and shot us up a tree or lifted a car off me, I'm just being honest, there is NO way I would be able to keep that to myself.
  

Quote of the Day

My friends are full of wise thoughts. If this isn't the right attitude to have about life, I don't know what is.

"I always say that I want to die going off a cliff in a red convertible, with my hair on fire, 3 naked prostitutes in the back seat and a trunk-full of IOU's."- Joe Q.

An Award Winning Performance: The Goonies

I think we all know this was one of the most compelling moments in cinematic history. Let us not forget Chunk's brave performance. Enjoy.

Courtesy of imdb.com (click Blog title for other inspiring quotes from the Goonies including important thoughts from Data)

[the Fratellis are interrogating Chunk]

Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!

Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Earth Shattering News: John Edwards admits he fathered child with mistress

From CNN.com (Click Blog title to link)
I like how it says "admits." How unbiased CNN. I am truly shocked. Truly. I'm seeing a pattern here: politicians and affairs. You heard it here first.

SOMETHING DUMB

Thanks to a little insomnia and stumble upon I found something really dumb. Happy Friday!

I WISH I WROTE THIS

I don't know this man...but you can read more of his stuff at www.artlung.com (click Blog Title to link)

I LOL'd so I thought I'd share:

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Nice "Vision"

There are some things in this world that I am pretty certain of...beets taste like dirt, there are 7 continents, sneezing too loud is annoying, whales are mammals and excessive use of metaphors when communicating a vision for a business plan sounds ridiculous. I get it- when rolling out something new, calling your "troops" to action you want to be inspiring but, really?! How many damn gold rings am I gonna reach for!? How many mountains am I gonna climb? And must we keep marvelling at the extra degree [of effort] needed to make water boil? I don't think the degree is extra, actually, it's just the temperature at which water boils. It like has to be there. It's not extra and no one is cooking. Today I had to think about "cogs" all day! I can't just be made clear on the key components for success? There just seems to be a lot of time wasted on "dressing" up language to say, "We have a lot crap to do. You need to understand X, Y, Z to do it. It must be accomplished in X time frame and don't get all discouraged or confused when annoying problems crop up along the way." Done. Meeting adjourned. Then teach us the stuff we need to know to do it and don't make us do weird activities to learn it...we were asked to toss yarn today. Yes, yarn. A puppet made an appearance too. I appreciate the effort to keep things "fun" but if my employer thinks that those are the kind of gimmicks needed to engage their workforce I'm kinda offended. I am a serious, important person who does serious, important things on and off the job. I can never be addressed by a puppet again or I will...I will...probably do absolutely nothing about it but still it's just really unnecessary.

BREAKING NEWS: CAREER LIMITING MOVE

While reaching to get a piece of bread at a company dinner...I know...why the carbs? I managed to catch a cloth napkin on fire...I am a waste of oxygen.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop Embarrassing Jesus!

From CNN.com

The report, which came out in November, found that the Catholic Church in Ireland covered up "widespread" child abuse from 1975 to 2004.

Umm...that's not very christian. This seems to be a bit of a pattern...I will tread lightly as this involves two things that make people uncomfortable: kids and religion but...The people responsible are pervy hypocrites. What were they thinking?! This kind of offense completely defeats the purpose of their committing themselves to God...like he just wouldn't notice? That's apparrently the thing about God...he like knows everything. I'm sure he thought they were THE WORST employees ever! I don't think this kind of behavior goes overlooked because you eat boring food, live in crappy housing, wear humble clothing and weird shoes and pray all day. I bet when they felt all guilty they would soothe themselves by repeating in their heads, "Jesus loves me yes I know" and I bet Jesus wanted to chime in so bad and be like, "NO I DON'T!"

Perhaps some attention should be paid to resolve this issue for awhile. It's probably best that worrying about atheists, the use of birth control and missionary (recruiting) activities take a back seat for a bit.

Dumb Person of the Day: Royal Caribbean Cruise CEO Adam Goldstein

It sounds like this man was being a bit lazy, huh? You don't drop tourists, band-aids and canned goods off at the same time somewhere! EVERYONE knows this! Click blog title for full article from Yahoo! News.

Here's what he has to say for himself :

(from the Royal [Retarded] Caribbean Company Site):



The ships going back to Labadee, including Navigator of the Seas today, are obviously making a very valuable contribution to the relief effort by offloading supplies at Labadee. The media understand this and generally have written and spoken about the relief effort in positive terms. But in the last 24 hours, sparked by an article in the Guardian in the UK, a different and more critical view has emerged that questions how our guests can justify having a good time in Labadee when there is such misery less than 100 miles away.



I see...some English journalist has blown this way out of proportion. Otherwise "cruising" and DOCKING through a devastated region normally would totally fly under the radar. Thank you insensitive man that is Lord of cheesy floating vacations for putting this into perspective.

Things Got Tricky

Despite how important and wise we may think we are, people are kinda simple. Fortunately many handy systems have been put in place to minimize confusion and avoid personal injury or death to humans. Humans get confused easily even when it involves basic tasks. For instance, virtually all electronics come with a friendly reminder outlining for us the perils of bathing with them...in the event that someone missed the memo that electronics don't enjoy water. But if that pamphlet wasn't enclosed would you assume that you had the thumbs up to start blow drying your hair in the shower? Probably not. Similarly, all the labels of cleaning products continue to read that it's not a wise (or delicious) idea to consume them. If such instructions were omitted, would you, in the face of a Coke shortage, make a Jack and Pinesol? No, I think not. I think I've made my point...though guidelines and warnings are important and appreciated, in their absence we're supposed to be able to use our best judgment...right? Nope. Case and Point: it seems that all over NYC there has been a malfunction with the Walk/Don't Walk signs-you know, the ones that show a red hand for don't walk and a white walking guy for walk. Anyway, apparently the hand and the man are appearing at the same time...sending a mixed signal to pedestrians...TRICKY, TRICKY! Now...if the traffic lights were malfunctioning too this would, in fact, be a sticky situation...but they're in working order sooooo why have people been getting hit by cars!? Obviously that's not funny...but really?! Were there no other cues as to whether or not it was a good time to walk or not? What's even more interesting is this is occurring mainly on NYC's Upper West and East Sides... Do I smell a conspiracy to smoosh yuppies in their natural habitat? No pilates class or dog grooming appointment is important enough to not look both ways!!

Tweet

I think there is only one "person" whose tweets are truly important. FYI: Tweet means post/update in Twitter language...we'll maturely ignore how closely it resembles a slang for female "private parts." Anyway, the only person who really SHOULD use Twitter, frankly, is the cable guy. It’s 2010 and we have yet to come up with a better system than marinate in your house and someone should be by anytime between 10 and 4...like maybe. It goes like this...

Person seeking Cable:"Can I make an appointment for Saturday?"
Cable Phone Representative with crappy personality: "No."

Ok...clear enough...but....it doesn't look so awesome to employers…missing work in the name of Sports Center. Now...let's imagine a super helpful cable guy tweet- " Attn: 41 Moron Street...finishing my last install...gonna grab a ruben. Be there in 45 min." This would totally have much more utility than the real-time updates the weird girl from high school posts on how she administers insulin to her fat cat Harold. Just sayin.