Office Lingo: DECODED

Let's take that off-line: SHUT UP!

Low hanging fruit: easy crap

Re-structuring: your ass is getting fired

Sensitivity training: we know everyone never really grows up and the subject matter of a particular facet of our business will be a generous source of dirty jokes so we have to attempt to remind our workforce to pretend to be mature.

Team building: seeing your colleagues in their gross sneakers

Taking it to the next level: doing the same nonsense that you did before and hyping it up to sound really important

Face Time: when someone checks their email, manages their personal finance, bids on some stuff on ebay, prices trips they're not taking any time soon, googles a new flame and IM's with all their foolish friends doing the same thing at either absurdly early or late hours to look really devoted and serious

Same Net-Net: a response delivered when your idea or comment contributed nothing

Associate (TITLE): You've just been given extra work for which you are not being paid

Now we're cookin' with gas: A really, really, REALLY LAME way of saying good job

Opportunities for Development: areas that you suck at

Cool Things to Watch for When it Rains

1. People running that really SHOULD NOT run
2. Men sharing umbrellas while trying to look as straight as possible in the process
   
3. Poofy Hair
4. Flat Hair
5. Excessive amounts of squinting
6. Excessive amounts of grimacing
7. Unexplained absences from social functions (some people aren't water proof)
   
8. Seasonal Affective Disorder flair ups
9. Creative footwear
10. Fat guys with Golf umbrellas
    

Traits Common amongst Annoying People

These are not hard and fast rules but I have observed that several of these traits seem to co-exist in an annoying person. If you identify with some of these you might be a little annoying. Sorry.

1. Fantasizing about the number of attendees at your funeral if you were to suddenly die
   
2. Getting pissed way too easily (i.e. shouting at airline personnel because a flight is delayed. This is a dumb and annoying thing to do and will not change the outcome.)
3. Asking for praise before anyone has had a chance to give it to you
4. Having hair that looks perpetually wet
5. Asking large amounts of rhetorical questions ("How can you eat that!?)
6. Breathing loudly
7. Sneezing loudly
8. Driving recklessly in efforts to look cool/impress a chick
9. Being OCD about organic foods. If you're open to oral sex, you can stomach a pesticide here and there.
   
10. Telling people they look tired
11. Walking funny (this excludes those with disabilities of course)
    
12. Having too many stories that seem to almost bring you to tears that you're willing to share with just about anyone.
13. Nose breath
14. Buying into conspiracy theories...like, always ("the govt has a cure for cancer")
    
15. Touching the bellies of pregnant women whom you barely know
    

Awesome Quotes-Updated

I have had a lapse in creativity as of late. Fortunately over the years the people around me have said some really ridiculous things. Here's a few things various people in my life have said:

I love drawing dicks

Darn these plastic things

Who's gonna be the next hot mess I'm gonna date?

Assholes ruin lives

I can't picture myself making love to another woman

For as long as I have a face you will have a place to sit

Why's the peanut butter on the floor?

C'mon Dan, we've got birds in the car

Don't ask me! I date homeless people

You'll be too bored to cry

Last time I went on a free trip I got raped in a laundry room

They [boobs] must have grown steadily each day we've been apart

That girl gives good blowdryers

No vogue-ing and driving

Is butter a carb?

That girl is 10 minutes away from being fat

That's impossible...I know every adult gorilla in this country

There's 6 billion people on this planet...can't you go spend some time with them!?

I love Miss Piggy...she's just so glamorous!

Fine! I'll sleep downstairs and get robbed!

It was the only time I ever laughed and jerked off at the same time

[At the DMV] This ain't no modeling agency!

[looking at a pigeon] Oh look a chicken...quack quack!

I've never had sex with a fat person...have I?

He smelled like a sneeze

I'm so cold I'm gonna light myself on fire

Holy sh*t! There's not even a fat one to ruin it!

Who has dusty holes?

I wish he would jump into a garbage can and light it on fire

I'm the king of caulk!

Y'all are real regular

I'm hung like a field mouse

Oh grooming is really important...if you have lice, you're in big trouble

Candy (Thanks ladies for the inspiration!)

Valentines Day is upon us so let us get in the spirit! I'm looking forward to the candy hearts...if I was in charge they would be inscribed with a variety of phrases that convey every kind of emotion and gesture...especially sentiments that maybe aren't so easy to share. Let the candy do the talking!

Here are some ideas (don't steal them, Candy Makers!)

Google me
Confuse me
Roofie me
Scare me
Stalk me
Alienate me
Ignore me
Defriend me
Befriend me
Choke me
Spoon me
Leer at me
Ping me
Bbm me
Mms me
Sms me
Gps me
Tickle me
BS me
Tag me
UNtag me
Disappoint me
Bore me
Disgust me
Irk me
Squish me
Sext me
Poke me
Write on my wall
Kick me
Feed me
Sniff my hair
Deck me
Humiliate me
Forget me
Skype me
Turn the lights off
Turn the lights on
Massage me
Carry me
Drug me
Noogie me
Wax me
Intrigue me
Fax me (that's for the older folk)
Stop singing
Relinquish the remote
Don't touch
Have a personality
Find a gym
Get lost
Nice comb-over
Buy a vowel
Buy a clue
Off yourself
Up your Prozac
Listerine EVERYDAY!
Move on
And of course...
Effin' hug me!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry