Tanning Salon Accident

Many moons ago office knight and I were perusing yahoo personals...people give themselves really foolish names like "Junk in the Trunk" or "Pawly C 4 eva." Office knight suddenly shouted, "Oh no! Tanning salon accident." Office knight was referring to the overly tan person in the picture. I misunderstood, however and thought that was the name of the person's profile (which would have been AWESOME) and thus was born an obsession with tanning salon accidents, a phrase coined by office knight's mother.

The grass isn't always greener

Hi I'm office raider. I don't have an office, I raid other people's offices all day long hoping they'll have a use for the wares that I peddle. I am often not welcome either. Many people tell me they wish they could have a job like mine where there is no office. I'd like to remind you about some of the reasons why you should never take office life for granted: My office has wheels, this has many benefits but also many liabilities. I doubt you ever sit in your cube worrying that you might kill someone with your cube if you're not careful. Have you ever been charged $65.00 if you're not back at your cube after an hour?? Probably not. Imagine you wanted to use the restroom, you'd walk down the hall, maybe a flight of stairs, at worst you might need to use a sketchy key and then take care of biz. Everytime an office raider needs to go to the bathroom they have to pack up their entire "cube,"if you will, find a place to put it and buy a fckn' cup of coffee that they don't even want, AGAIN!

Office Knight v. The Meanest Person in the World

A few months ago I decided that I wanted a vintage Omega watch. I won one on eBay and was delighted but when it arrived it wasn’t running. This kicked off a battle with the seller who happened to be the meanest person in the world. Please see our exchanges below culminating in a dramatic triumph for Office Knight. I have bolded and capitalized my side comments.

Dear eBay seller,

I received the watch today. Unfortunately, it's not running at all. It is also far smaller than I thought it would be. I don't think I realized that the lugs would add such length to the size. Would you consider taking the watch back because of these two issues? I realize that time, effort and expense were put into shipping it to me so I certainly am not asking for a shipping refund--but instead just the base cost.

Best,
Office Knight


Dear Office Knight,
Please return the watch immediately.

-eBay seller

(OFFICE KNIGHT SHIPS THE WATCH AND THEN IS INFORMED BY GRANDPA OFFICE KNIGHT THAT OLD WATCHES DO NOT RUN UNTIL THEY ARE WOUND. OOPS!)

Dear Office Knight,

The watch was received today. I fail to see why you had to lie to me concerning this watch. (NO ONE CALLS OFFICE KNIGHT A LIAR. OH, AND NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER) It is running perfectly. I am offended when false claims are made for returning a watch. I am undecided as to how to proceed, but it is not favorable. (IS SHE GOING TO KILL OFFICE KNIGHT?)

Your comment is awaited.
-eBay seller (AT THIS POINT, WE RENAME HER AS “MEANEST PERSON IN THE WORLD)

Dear Meanest Person in the World,

I don't think it's fair or professional at all that you would call me a liar. Why would I make a false claim in knowing that you would receive the watch and be able to examine it for yourself. When I received it, it was not running. Perhaps I am unaware of how to make an older watch run? I also expressed to you that I was dissatisfied with the size of the watch and was not aware that the circumference had been disproportionately affected by the length of the lugs.(OFFICE KNIGHT USES FANCY WORDS LIKE "CIRCUMFERENCE" AND "DISPROPORTIONATE"),

I have returned the watch to you promptly as requested. I am respectfully requesting a refund. (OFFICE KNIGHT REMAINS POLITE)

Best,
Office Knight

Office Knight:
I dislike being lied to.
How do you make an antique watch work? You wind it. (OOOH)
Working for (SHE INSERTS NAME OF OFFICE KNIGHT’s COMPANY) you should know this. I will send you a refund, although you do not expect one from your comment, nor do you deserve one.

If you want to look at merchandise before purchasing it, I suggest that you go to the mall. A word of advice that your behavior will make your life on eBay short-lived. (WILL OFFICE KNIGHT’s ANTIQUE WATCH IGNORANCE CAUSE HER TO BE MURDERED BY PEOPLE FROM EBAY?)
Refund will go out today.

-Meanest Person in the World

Dear Meanest Person in the World,

I received the money order today. It has been redeemed.

This was by far the most appalling business transaction that I have ever experienced. You've
acknowledged that my crime was not knowing how to operate an antique watch. I'm sure you've been equally ignorant on such benign subjects in your lifetime.

If you had a 0 tolerance returns policy, you should've stated so in your posting. Since you didn't, I asked you to "consider" a refund and you obliged while scolding me for my audacity.

Meanest Person in the World, it is unprofessional, rude, hostile and downright bizarre to conduct yourself in this manner. I suggest you take a moment to remind yourself that you are running a business and not a boarding school for unruly children. (TAKE THAT!)

-Office Knight

Owfice Fleas

yes, you guessed it. my office has fleas. and not as in the flea to the left...though that would certainly be a more welcome breed of flea. or perhaps a more entertaining breed of flea. anyway, the flea fiasco began when my office neighbor phillis claimed she spotted a flea on her bench memo. this was allegedly confirmed by the office secretary, aka "office mom", cheryl. i should also note that this office is comprised of small group of attorneys that have been annexed from the main firm headquarters, aka "the mother ship." as a result, everyone relegated to the annex is deeply bitter and resentful. It is for this reason that i sincerely doubted the truth to the flea story. that is until i spotted what could only be described as a flea like insect..or perhaps a fruit fly, no maybe a small piece of airborne lint on my knee. at any rate, its presence provoked a high pitched squeal from me. this then incited a small riot in the hall way in which outraged attorneys expressed their utter disgust and dismay at what we are being forced to endure. barbaric indeed. judy, the mousiest of the bunched then revealed, "you're not gonna believe this, but i have flea bites awl ova my body." GASP! we all shook our heads. as a result, our little satellite office must be fumigated. in the mean time, secretly everyone is psyched because it's really much more fun to bitch about fleas and how you can't even get any work done..than actually having to do work.
-Owfice Burn

Bravely Confronting Corporations

I wouldn’t post this very personal letter if I didn’t think that it could inspire many people to stand up for their rights as a consumer.

Dear Yogi Tea,

Hi, I hope I'm sending this to the right location. I have been enjoying your DeTox tea. However, today my tea bag had a short (approximately 1 inch) black hair in it.

I wanted to bring that to your attention. The box is labeled with a bar code with the numbers: 0 76950 45008 0.

Thank you.

Office Knight


Dear Ms. Knight:

Thank you for the email. My experience has been that
most hair-like substance that are reported to me are actually herb
fibers. If you still have the hair please mail it to me.

In either case, please send me your mailing address so
that I may send
you a coupon for free Yogi Tea.

Best wishes,

The nice lady at Yogi Tea

Dear Ms. Y. Tea,

Thank you so much for your email. The hair is now
long gone. I was thinking about it though--I love
Yogi Tea and I don't care if it has herb fibers or
hairs so no need to send me free tea.

I really appreciate your customer service.

Best,

Office Knight

Guest Blogger: Jen Cats

Moment of Realization
by Jen Cats

Last year on April Fools Day, my colleagues pitched in to hire this guy to dress up as a pink bunny rabbit and sing to one of the attorneys on my floor. Nobody tells me anything, so the only reason I knew about this was because they needed me. I got a mention in the emails preceding the event:

HEY GUYS!
WE HIRED A PINK BUNNY TO SING TO BILL. HE SHOULD BE HERE AROUND 4! JEN, CALL ME WHEN HE GETS HERE, OKAY?

HEY GUYS!
THE BUNNY IS ON HIS WAY! JEN, CAN YOU CALL ME WHEN HE GETS TO THE SECURITY DESK?


The pink bunny walked in, or should I say, the brown-ish, rose-ish, mangy beast flopped in and was escorted by his contact person, a young, low-ranking paralegal that sits a few desks away from me. She awkwardly half-smiled, and gave a look that seemed to say, "This could be cool if I wasn't me and we weren't at work and this wasn't happening." Her embarrassment was totally justifiable. She looked like a tool.

HEY GUYS!
THE BUNNY IS HERE! EVERYONE MEET AT BILL'S OFFICE NOW!!!

Did I want to see the bunny? Hell, yes. I can't lie to you. I wanted to see a man in a bunny costume singing to a man in a Brooks Brothers suit, and why? Because I love a good freak show.

From my desk, I could hear everyone laughing and clapping and the muffled, throaty sounds of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" at an alarmingly fast tempo. I got out of my seat and turned the corner in an attempt to witness the freak show that was Bill's office April Fools surprise. The laughs and clapping had petered out by now. The initial glee was over and the smoker's rendition of "Happy Birthday" had started. (By the way, It wasn't Bill's birthday. That may have been the only funny part of this ill-executed show.) Bunny's singing voice had become more of growl, and as I walked closer, I could see him waving his dirty catcher's mitt-paws and half-heartedly hopping from one leg to the other. Bunny's ears were semi-erect, and waving from side to side, occasionally whipping Bill on the side of the head. Bill's smile was plastic and forced. My coworkers now watched in an open-mouthed trance, occasionally letting loose a "hah", but mostly wincing.

As soon as Bunny snarled out the last "happy birthday to you" he pushed past the crowd that had assembled at Bill's door and ran down the hall for the single-seater bathrooms. The whole thing took less than 45 seconds and probably cost $100. What a racket.

I went back to my seat pondering it all. About 2 minutes later, a short, young, Italian-looking guy with some serious stubble, and mess of curly, oily hair atop his head darted past me carrying a huge black duffle bag, a narrow brown-pink ear waving from its opening.


Regrettably, since then, I've figured out that it was the last truly exciting thing that happened at work.

*siiiiiiiiigh*


If you hear of any jobs out there, let me know...

betta use sunblock in the owfice

just in case you were pondering the origin of the name owfice burn, take a look. those of us of irish descent know the meaning of a bad owfice burn awl too well...

Sick Day

today i cawled in sick. why is it that i still feel like a lying 12 year old every time i have to cawl in sick even though i am nearly 28 years old and an attorney? luckily my voice has been impaired by the head cold, rendering it super scratchy and squeaky, thus validating my sickness in my mind. nonetheless i still felt the sense that mary lou the secretary was challenging the validity of my sickness when i reported it to her this morning. i even felt the need to make my tone sound despondent and hopeless, and i secretly hoped that mary lou would send around a firm e-mail saying something to the effect of, "owfice burn has cawled in sick today. she sounds just awful! please everyone keep her in your prayers!" she actually did that last week for a fellow secretary. i smell conspiracy. they're always watching out for each other. she definitely thinks i just milked my extra groggy morning voice. it's probably even the water cooler discussion of the day. i guess i'll just have to cawl in sick tomarra too. ya know, to make it seem more legit.
-owfice burn

Happy Gay Pride

Since it’s gay pride weekend, I was just reading about the Stonewall riots in 1969 that kicked off the gay rights moment. Apparently the big question is, if gay folks were used to the police raids like the one that took place at the Stonewall Inn, then why did they riot?

This is what it says on Wikipedia:

“What may have made the June 1969 raid different was the death a week earlier of Judy Garland, an important cultural icon with whom many in the gay community identified. The palpable grief at her loss culminated with her funeral on Friday, June 27, attended by 22,000 people, including perhaps 12,000 gay men. Many of the Stonewall patrons were still emotionally distraught when the raid occurred that night, and refused to react passively.”-- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots

Since when did Judy Garland become the catalyst for the global gay rights movement? That sounds like some historian may have gotten a little bit confused. But either way, that's my favorite riot cause EVER.

Imagine what would happen if Madonna died.


Oh and in case anyone wants a quick Gay Pride history lesson, here it is (from the same Wikipedia link):

“The Stonewall riots, which as a whole is often called the Stonewall Rebellion, were a series of violent conflicts between gay men and police officers in New York City. The first night of rioting began on Friday, June 27, 1969 not long after 1:20 a.m., when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Greenwich Village. "Stonewall," as the raids are often referred to, is generally considered a turning point for the modern gay rights movement worldwide, as it is one of the first times in modern history a significant body of gay people resisted arrest.”

Sword School

So one of our most senior executives just received a sword in the mail. I happened to march by as she was opening it and casually said, “Oh, is that a sword?” as if I was asking, “Oh, did someone send you flowers?”

And she said, “Uhh...yeah. It’s for my husband. He’s in a sword class.”

YEAH RIGHT! Sword school. No one pulls the wool over Office Knight’s eyes.

Office Hero

I have just been selected to be the office fire warden! YES!!

If there’s a fire at my office, I will direct all emergency procedures.

This could be my big moment.

The Office Tan Challenge

The Office Tan race rocked! With 15,000 runners from dozens of companies, it was packed. At one point, I looked ahead at the sea of pale legs that were stomping in front of me and wondered if perhaps I had gotten caught in a glue-stick rebellion.

The photo depicts some office tanned legs that I stealthily captured. One of my colleagues saw the images on my camera and said, “Why did you take so many photos of legs?”

How do you tell someone that you’re documenting cases of office tans city-wide.

Corporate "Fitness"

If I am going to keep a blog on the “glory” of Office life, it only makes sense to launch it the day before the JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge.

What the hell is the JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge?

It’s a 3.5 mile run for Office people that is billed as a “global celebration of corporate fitness”.

Let’s face it, "corporate fitness” sounds a little bit made up. Agreed?

It’s not that corporate people can’t be fit. It’s just kind of difficult and sometimes rare since no one has ever become fit by wiggling their fingers around on a keyboard for 10, 12, or 16 hours (if you're an investment banking victim) per day.

Anyway, I have accidentally signed myself up for this event. I spent half of today thinking of an excuse for getting out of it until I realized that it would allow me to pursue my true passion which is to view the convergence of the Office with athletic endeavors. This is the real life Office Olympics, an Office tan convention, THE OFFICE TAN CHALLENGE and I will not miss it.

By the way, the JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge Web site boasts of a t-shirt contest. Apparently, 6 companies with the best designed t-shirts will receive a complimentary “office workout party”.