FARMVILLE: An Investigation

Look- I wasn't born 6 weeks ago. I'm gonna officially ask the question that many of us are currently pondering: WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH FARMVILLE? I have to believe that I'm missing some details because I can not accept that tons of "grown-ups" are this consumed with harvesting fake crops. So I'm gonna just be blunt: what the flock is going on?! Is there money at stake? Is it an elite sex ring? I know that adults don't really bother this much with tasks that don't either increase their net worth or get them laid. Don't agree? Let's use a benign example like knitting. Knitting is sorta "in" amongst young white folk. Why? Because it makes one seem more dynamic and/or even nostalgic (like who the eff actually needs to knit anymore?). So why would one want to strike others as dynamic or nostalgic? Because it could ultimately lead to more banging. Ur probably thinking that's a shallow and outlandish conclusion. It is conceivable that people knit just because they find it entertaining and relaxing. Well, you know what else is entertaining and relaxing? Watching the 500+ channels of cable TV you have at your fingertips! BUT...everyone knows that's perceived as oafish to spend your whole life watching TV...it's not a good "story." I knit and spelunk is a much sexier story. So my charge is: Farmville is some kind of pimp-gambling scandal and we're all missing out on some sort of hedonistic virtual society masquerading as a dweeby game.

The MAN

Officetan is not the place for politics...it's a place where a very few people gather to read my musings on a random selection of topics and if I didn't worry that my professional reputation would be compromised I'd talk a helluva lot more shiz than I already do... I do have a question though...and it truly isn't rhetorical:

How come many of the people that are upset that the government is going to require Americans to purchase health insurance (if not available through their employers) are the same people that want the government to rule that gay folk shouldn't be allowed to marry (aka bore themselves to death like the rest of us)? If the concern is Govt getting too big...don't cha think these two issues have conflicting ideologies in terms of the government's role? Plus let's consider some things (for fun really, not saying I'm for being mandated to do anything) that government already makes us do for our own "well being:"

Seat belts (besides New Hampshire, obvi): Hello!? Rumple a good outfit much? Plus anyone knows that if you sit bi*ch it's nearly impossible to find your seat belt without groping your seat neighbor. If we want to fly threw a windshield, let that be OUR choice. Thankyouverymuch.

Jay-Walking: This law raises several conflicts...especially for those in urban and rural areas. First, if you're in an urban area, you have to jay walk. It's just what people do...the pedestrian flow of traffic will always be too dense and/or too slow for a large subset of humans (especially near the Port Authority or Grand Central...people like to rush to return to Jersey or Conneticut). In rural areas the problem is quite different...there may not be a clear line of demarcation between the road and the sidewalk, there may be no sidewalk at all, or the sidewalk may be filled with wandering bovines...really at any given time a rural dwelling human may need to take it to the street for one reason or another.

Public Intoxication: You're not supposed to drive your car but you're not supposed to traipse around drunk either? Well how the eff are you supposed to get home from the damn party?!

Prostitution (Except for Nevada- not including Clark County though which is where Vegas is ya know): This is kind of a nosy law too. Hooking is apparently a fairly efficient way for "unskilled" individuals to make money and it is in incredibly high demand. Sometimes people (mostly males) need a snuggle and don't have time for dinner and movie...like it or not. Because love and banging aren't supposed to be mutually exclusive we're all supposed act really horrified about the prospect of paying for nook. Not to mention that this service conflicts with our "iron clad" family values. One could say maybe it's because of the potential health hazards...but there are health risks associated with getting manicures too...just sayin.

Marijuana: people seem to like it and it doesn't seem to make people shoot one another...wouldn't this be a nice way to generate some extra tax revenue? Perhaps the concern lies in the extreme that it makes some people useless but the reality is the world could use another hall monitor.

(Please understand this is for fun...I am not advocating that we not wear our seat belts, get hammered and high and find ourselves a hooker)

DEEP THOUGHTS

I've had a severe lapse in creativity in the past few weeks so I thought I would share just some random thoughts/questions etc that pass through my mind...of course what I think is extremely crucial to you all.

The majority of people that are afraid to fly are also control freaks

Talking about bodily functions will NOT lead to greater intimacy in the beginning of a relationship

Why are nipples private on women?

Being white is apparently going out of style

Check for eye boogers regularly

Check for ear wax regularly

When someone falls don't make too big of a scene...their ego is most likely the only thing injured

Don't give annoying, unsolicited advice

Shamelessly self promote. Saying things "in passing" to sound cool is really embarrassing

Act confused when people get pissed at you. It's hard to stay pissed at a confused person

Brother Jimmy's waters down all their booze. I know this for sure

Don't touch girls to get their attention at a bar. It's creepy and annoying

If someone drinks too much, has a bad attitude, has icky teeth or comes across as homosexual it is acceptable if they're "European."

Don't ask girls to dance (Unless you're in 8th grade)

Everyone twitches in their sleep

Liking hot dogs is no longer frowned upon (I think)

Does anyone know the answer to this: If you can smell yourself can others smell you too?

If you blame spotty cell service for someone not replying to a text msg they're probably ignoring you

I wonder how many relationships have been ruined or strained due to spotty cell service?

If you match your clothes too well you look like a baby

Serenades are rarely welcomed or effective

Does anyone still buy Spam or olive loaf?

Childhood Myths: True or False

Peeing in the Pool: If you pee in the pool, there is a chemical that will react to turn the water green to mark off the perpetrator. Any fist-pumping, Ketel-One guzzling, house-music loving pool party hopper (especially in Vegas, LA or Miami) is thankful this one is a hoax.

Gum Tree: If you swallow your gum, a "gum tree" will grow in your stomach...I'm not convinced this is entirely inaccurate.

Permanent Ugly Face: If you make a distorted face, especially at a guardian or parent in charge, if you hold it for too long your face will stay that way...I think this one is definitely true. There's a lot of people out there with perma-expressions like those that look like they're smelling an unpleasant odor, or unscrewing a really tight lid.

Wet Hair Disease: If you go out side with wet hair you'll get sick. False. Explain swimming and every other water sport.

Crossed Eyes: All I know is that it is not wise to keep your eyes crossed for t00 long...whether they'll stay crossed I'm not sure about. If that's how crossed-eyed people came to be I don't think they'd want to implicate themselves.