A Controversial Confession

Here goes. One…two…three. I don’t like reading fiction.

I’ve tried and tried and the same thing keeps happening. I get bored or confused or both and besides, reading fiction does not provide any tangible improvement to my life.

While you’re busy judging my intellect, consider a recent attempt to appreciate this genre via Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms.

“In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. In the bed of the river there were pebbles and boulders , dry and white in the sun, and the water was clear and swiftly moving and blue in the channels.”

Problem #1: Extraneous information


What do white pebbles have to do with anything? CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY. At most, the whole book should say, “We lived in a crappy house in a village and then a bunch of things happened such as (fill in the blank) and that’s pretty much it.” That’s the whole story. Not 332 pages of carrying on about dry pebbles and crinkly leaves and the coarse texture of someone’s wool coat.

Problem #2: Intentionally traumatizing one’s self


I believe that if I kept reading, a ton of the characters die. Assuming that one of life’s greatest agonies is mourning the deaths of other people, why would I suddenly say to myself, “It’s a beautiful day out. Let me read about made-up people who die.”
Or what about those fiction books where lizards and witches show up at banquets and get in fights or fly around in glittery outfits. Seriously.
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Now contrast this with the life-enhancing genre of non-fiction.

Consider these forms…

Biographies – I got to read about Ted Kennedy banging people in someone’s study at parties. Riveting! Who would guess that wrinkled Ted Kennedy did anything but think about healthcare policy and drink too much. And why doesn’t this happen at the parties I go to?

Personal Finance – I’ve learned about building an airtight credit score which will lead to access to mortgages which will lead to a rockin’ apartment which will lead to awesome parties where my guests might bang people in my study.

Personal Transformation – I’ve learned that NOW is all we have. Am I lying in a ditch, staring at a gash in my leg, or trapped at an evangelical church service RIGHT NOW? No. So all is well. Now I can go back to thinking about Ted Kennedy or my disdain for flying lizards.

-Office Knight