Is everyone sitting down? I just heard the most RIDICULOUS nonsense on Eyewitness News. I know I'm not supposed to watch Eyewitness news because it's corny and is always freaking out all the dumb people. However, I wasn't really watching it, it was on in the background so when I heard the term "Purity Ball" come bouncing out of Sade Baderinwa's mouth I was all ears, and not in a good way.
What is a Purity Ball, you ask? It's like a freakin' prom/wedding where daughters make a vow to their dad that they will remain "pure" until they're married. Some of it's "traditions" include those very similar to a wedding including a father/daughter dance, a white dress, and a cake...I'm not sure if Daddy and lil' Suzy are feeding each other the cake though...can we say, "CREEPY!" enough? And lame! And waaaayyyy hypocritical! Why in the world would someone pledge their virginity to the sluttiest people around (aka men)? Furthermore, I see no one really gives a damn if their adolescent son goes out and gets laid a billion times, which leads me to my next question. If the sons are not pledging their virginity, then they're free to roam the ass trail. Now, if all the daughters' flowers are locked up in their weirdo dad's humidor or something then who is left for the sons to bang? You guessed it! The married women! So I hope the dads don't get pissed when their neighbor's son is getting more than a cup of sugar from their wife.
Lastly, is this really all today's daughters have to pledge? How about throwing a "Don't be Completely Useless" Ball where daughters promise their dads that they will try to do well in school and discover a satisfying (and hopefully lucrative) career so that they can be independent and not make awful husband choices because they can't support themselves. Perhaps that would be a little more worthy of celebrating.
Oh! And here's the kicker, in stride with the government programs that fund promoting abstinence, many of these "Purity" Balls have been subsidized with federal funding. I swear, if I find out that even a single one of these Purity Ball Queen's hymen has gone missing, I'm asking for some kind of repayment of my precious tax dollars!
