Poisons

A great variety of misfortune has been bestowed upon the office clan household. Don't fret, it's nothing truly tragic, just some exposure to things that have repulsed us and or made us feel really weak. It all started with one of those Don't-Smoke public service announcement commercials. It seems that several big wigs got together and concluded that the no smoking campaign needs to employ scare tactics. One time I saw the icky, gooey plaque squeezed out of an aorta of a dead smoker. Thanks to this add I lost 10lbs because I was disgusted for weeks on end. Tonight we had to listen to some dude bitchin' about his stoma (for those that don't know, it's a hole in your throat) that he now has because he had throat cancer from smoking. He's carrying on about how annoying it is to keep clean and how he has to go to the doctor every three months to make sure his cancer hasn't returned. To make matters worse, this sob story is narrated in a irritating robot voice because that's what happens when your throat is removed. You have to talk like a robot. I guess all those cigarette breaks and post nookie smokes don't seem like a hot idea anymore. Here's my thing though: I don't smoke and I never have, so why am I being punished? It's a rhetorical question, of course.

Now let me share with you the wafer that has destroyed the fortitude of two hardworking young women that can take on nearly any challenge that comes their way: The Carr's Whole Wheat Cracker. A pleasant departure from their cardboard, sop-up-your spit water cracker indeed. Entirely too pleasant. These g'darn things taste like short bread! They're not salty, they're freakin' cookies! They masquerade as a sensible snack item when all that's inside is an addictive sweet treat! These mo'fo's blow all their cracker peers out of the water. If this were a contest, Saltines wouldn't stand a chance and a Ritz would put up a good fight but ultimately fail with humility for even trying. They've been appropriately nicknamed "cookie crackers" and they are banned from our home as soon as we finish our last box. Carr's tried to thwart our summer costume (aka us in the winter minus ten pounds), but we caught on...like several thousand calories later, but as the saying goes...Better late than never.

Oh and don't anyone try to scold me about being insensitive about cancer. This is a rant, it's meant to be outrageous and in poor taste. I don't care how many cigarettes someone has wrapped their wormy-lips around, no one deserves cancer.