We Don't Watch TV

In the last couple of months, I've had a few people respond in shock when they realize that I barely watch TV. Upon recovering from this concept, they inevitably ask what exactly I do if I'm not busy watching TV. Since the same thing has happened to Owfice Burn who also doesn't watch TV, I thought this warranted some deep thoughts in the form of an award-winning blog post.

First of all, I should say that TV does have its purpose. How else would I have seen Barbara Walters trick all her interviewees into crying (priceless), watched Laverne and Shirley fret that they were virgins when they thought that some thieves were going to kill them or viewed Arnold from Different Strokes escape from yet another molester.

But these were all witnessed prior to my non-TV watching days. Now, Owfice Burn and I have decided that TV is a weird concept. The premise is that you stop your life to watch someone else live their life--like Everybody Loves Raymond whose life consists of fighting with his in-laws. Or maybe I could pause my life to watch a bunch of people get murdered every SINGLE week on CSI or whatever that show is. And of course, if this were the 80's, watching TV would involve wondering if Tony Micelli and Angela Bower were finally going to hook up on Who's the Boss if only that damn Mona would stop marching in at exactly the wrong time.

Since it's clear that I'm above watching TV, I will share what I do with my time instead. It involves furthering my personal growth and becoming so extremely important and smart that you would throw your TV out the window if you thought you could become this deep.

First of all, I really like BLT sandwiches so I make them at night and that takes some time--especially the clean up since someone once told me that bacon grease can clog your sink if you're not careful. Oh man, I hate a clogged sink.

I call Owfice Burn a lot to make sure I haven't missed a minute of her life. She got a flat tire last week and her dad had to come pick her up on the side of the road. So I called her during the incident to remind her that despite the fact that she's nearly 30 and a very successful attorney, when anything goes wrong, her dad still has to pick her up. She's trapped in a time warp, she knows it, and I can't afford to miss a moment of it.

Owfice Burn calls me a lot to make sure she hasn't missed a minute of my life. She enjoys reminding me of an episode that took place when I had these blonde hair extensions. Although I thought they made me look kind of artsy and cool, she liked that one day one of them came loose in her car and we had to throw it out the window. She needs to allow sufficient time in her day to call me to relive this moment and to reminisce about how she kept telling everyone for weeks (including people that I was trying to impress) that my toupee came loose. Again, would this be possible if we were watching the Desperate Housewives bang their gardeners or whatever it is they do?

And finally, there's Office Raider, who is also too busy becoming enlightened to watch TV. I keep my TV off so that I have sufficient time to witness her personal growth. Her activities on this path include shouting commands to make the neighbors think that we're running an orphanage. This is a great use of time that was invented at our last apartment. She also likes to think out loud and I need sufficient time to listen to these thoughts--which include combing through my 90 year-old grandmother's psyche to determine why it is she's still complaining about stuff from her childhood that took place like 80 years ago.

So you see, there's a whole universe of life outside of your TV that you obviously can't afford to miss.