Why I couldn't date a Vampire

Edward Cullen
www.twilightblog.net

I, like many other teenage girls, women and sensitive males, have fallen into a deep Twilight trance (aka "twance") and am basing the premise of this post on what I learned about vampires from Twilight. If you haven't read and/or seen Twilight do NOT abort reading this vital commentary...it is full of life-altering content.

Why I couldn't date a Vampire

1) Vampires don't sleep: the bull about coffins or hanging upside down is a total myth. I sleep A LOT. What would my vampire boyfriend do while I was sleeping? Mmmmm...

2) Vampires can't be in the sun: Vampires can't go in the sun because they'll sparkle like a tranny's eyeshadow. Pretty...yes. Conspicuous...totally. I enjoy the sun tremendously so either I vacay without my vampire boyfriend or manage through explaining why my boyfriend twinkles.

3) Vampires don't eat "regular" food: The vampires in Twilight were on a "restricted" diet of just animals (as opposed to people). The main (and totally dreamy, yes, dreamy) Vampire, Edward, compared eating people food to eating dirt...he can do it but it's not pleasant. I would think having my Vampire Boyfriend just stare at me eat or leave me alone at a bistro to go snack on a squirel would eventually get old as food is a major part of the courtship for humans.

4) Vampires can't really hook-up: One of the great challenges for Vampires intermingling with humans is that it's like being a starving fat kid in a bakery...they're apparrently constantly fighting off the temptation to gobble you up. Therefore you can't fool around too much with your Vampire boyfriend or he will get too excited and eat you...like, literally.

5) Vampires live forever: This aspect is associated with several issues-

• Sordid Pasts: how are you supposed to live up to like 200 years worth of girlfriends? He has seen IT ALL for sure... I can't spend my time stressing about whether or not my Vampire Boyfriend is still hung up on some Victorian woman.
• Doesn't Age: Vampires remain the same age that they were when they were "turned" [into a Vampire]. Since it is safe to assume from what we've seen in Twilight, Vampire Diaries and even the Lost Boys...all Vampires seem to be "turned" during their smokin' hot prime. I can't spend my time worrying about the skank with the hover board and flying car he's gonna date when I'm beyond the help of botox and lipo.
• Immortal Speed/Strength: If I were to make an exception and date a Vampire for a bit confidentiality is really crucial. You can't, like, tell people you're dating a Vampire (for a variety of reasons including looking insane). If my Vampire boyfriend strapped me to his back and shot us up a tree or lifted a car off me, I'm just being honest, there is NO way I would be able to keep that to myself.