Peculiar Events

The New Lair of Office Raider

There have been some recent things going on in my life that I NEVER thought would ever take place...let's review...

1. I'm moving into a converted church (Everyone's outbursts of laughter confirms the absurdity of this circumstance).
2. I'm involved in Fantasy Football and spending a great deal of time on it bc I'm obviously really confused by the whole process...that's it for now. I'll keep you posted on how it's going
3. It's finally happening...lay-offs are looming at the Office Raiders of America Inc... (sniff sniff...maybe I can clean the "church" grounds for an extra buck?) I realize this isn't that weird I was just enjoying believing I was sheltered from the sh!t storm that has been underway for the rest of the world for almost 3 years now
   
4. It turns out the new "church" lair was also once a brothel...this is less odd than my living in a place of worship actually but still not exactly fitting
5. There's Bud Light in my fridge
6. I've sprouted several gray hairs
7. More often than not, I prefer Sauvignon Blanc over vodka...it's only a matter of time 'till I get my cougar belt
   
8. I'm writing incredibly stupid blogs ONLY about myself like it's my damn journal...

Nighty night!

Facebook: Status Updates that I advise against

The following are status updates I encourage you to stay away from on Facebook because they're dumb. I have a very mainstream mind so I know.

"At the gym/running/yoga etc:" Unless you're in sick shape do not post this on a regular basis because it will make people wonder why you're always at the gym/exercising so much but don't seem to be very fit and that's unfortunate.

"Sick:" Shut up. Now we all feel like we have to reply with "feel better." How sick are you? Clearly not sick enough to be face down in your bed because you're on facebook annoying everyone.

"Cleaning/laundry etc:" I have my own damn chores. I don't want to think about yours.

"Soooo stressed:" Wtf are we supposed to do with this? Are we supposed to ask what's wrong and then listen to an awful story about your job laden with industry jargon and proprietary terms we don't understand? Are we supposed to commiserate about the economy? Facebook is not your therapist.

"Sleep:" Get a clue. This is not an "update." What's next real-time "blink" updates?

Now some general rules...

DO NOT:

Send cryptic, loaded messages to an ex/love interest via your status update. We all know what you're doing and it looks pathetic.

Reference anything to do with your bodily functions (or malfunctions). Seriously, do you ever want to get laid again?