An Award Winning Performance: The Goonies

I think we all know this was one of the most compelling moments in cinematic history. Let us not forget Chunk's brave performance. Enjoy.

Courtesy of imdb.com (click Blog title for other inspiring quotes from the Goonies including important thoughts from Data)

[the Fratellis are interrogating Chunk]

Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!

Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Earth Shattering News: John Edwards admits he fathered child with mistress

From CNN.com (Click Blog title to link)
I like how it says "admits." How unbiased CNN. I am truly shocked. Truly. I'm seeing a pattern here: politicians and affairs. You heard it here first.

SOMETHING DUMB

Thanks to a little insomnia and stumble upon I found something really dumb. Happy Friday!

I WISH I WROTE THIS

I don't know this man...but you can read more of his stuff at www.artlung.com (click Blog Title to link)

I LOL'd so I thought I'd share:

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Nice "Vision"

There are some things in this world that I am pretty certain of...beets taste like dirt, there are 7 continents, sneezing too loud is annoying, whales are mammals and excessive use of metaphors when communicating a vision for a business plan sounds ridiculous. I get it- when rolling out something new, calling your "troops" to action you want to be inspiring but, really?! How many damn gold rings am I gonna reach for!? How many mountains am I gonna climb? And must we keep marvelling at the extra degree [of effort] needed to make water boil? I don't think the degree is extra, actually, it's just the temperature at which water boils. It like has to be there. It's not extra and no one is cooking. Today I had to think about "cogs" all day! I can't just be made clear on the key components for success? There just seems to be a lot of time wasted on "dressing" up language to say, "We have a lot crap to do. You need to understand X, Y, Z to do it. It must be accomplished in X time frame and don't get all discouraged or confused when annoying problems crop up along the way." Done. Meeting adjourned. Then teach us the stuff we need to know to do it and don't make us do weird activities to learn it...we were asked to toss yarn today. Yes, yarn. A puppet made an appearance too. I appreciate the effort to keep things "fun" but if my employer thinks that those are the kind of gimmicks needed to engage their workforce I'm kinda offended. I am a serious, important person who does serious, important things on and off the job. I can never be addressed by a puppet again or I will...I will...probably do absolutely nothing about it but still it's just really unnecessary.

BREAKING NEWS: CAREER LIMITING MOVE

While reaching to get a piece of bread at a company dinner...I know...why the carbs? I managed to catch a cloth napkin on fire...I am a waste of oxygen.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stop Embarrassing Jesus!

From CNN.com

The report, which came out in November, found that the Catholic Church in Ireland covered up "widespread" child abuse from 1975 to 2004.

Umm...that's not very christian. This seems to be a bit of a pattern...I will tread lightly as this involves two things that make people uncomfortable: kids and religion but...The people responsible are pervy hypocrites. What were they thinking?! This kind of offense completely defeats the purpose of their committing themselves to God...like he just wouldn't notice? That's apparrently the thing about God...he like knows everything. I'm sure he thought they were THE WORST employees ever! I don't think this kind of behavior goes overlooked because you eat boring food, live in crappy housing, wear humble clothing and weird shoes and pray all day. I bet when they felt all guilty they would soothe themselves by repeating in their heads, "Jesus loves me yes I know" and I bet Jesus wanted to chime in so bad and be like, "NO I DON'T!"

Perhaps some attention should be paid to resolve this issue for awhile. It's probably best that worrying about atheists, the use of birth control and missionary (recruiting) activities take a back seat for a bit.

Dumb Person of the Day: Royal Caribbean Cruise CEO Adam Goldstein

It sounds like this man was being a bit lazy, huh? You don't drop tourists, band-aids and canned goods off at the same time somewhere! EVERYONE knows this! Click blog title for full article from Yahoo! News.

Here's what he has to say for himself :

(from the Royal [Retarded] Caribbean Company Site):



The ships going back to Labadee, including Navigator of the Seas today, are obviously making a very valuable contribution to the relief effort by offloading supplies at Labadee. The media understand this and generally have written and spoken about the relief effort in positive terms. But in the last 24 hours, sparked by an article in the Guardian in the UK, a different and more critical view has emerged that questions how our guests can justify having a good time in Labadee when there is such misery less than 100 miles away.



I see...some English journalist has blown this way out of proportion. Otherwise "cruising" and DOCKING through a devastated region normally would totally fly under the radar. Thank you insensitive man that is Lord of cheesy floating vacations for putting this into perspective.

Things Got Tricky

Despite how important and wise we may think we are, people are kinda simple. Fortunately many handy systems have been put in place to minimize confusion and avoid personal injury or death to humans. Humans get confused easily even when it involves basic tasks. For instance, virtually all electronics come with a friendly reminder outlining for us the perils of bathing with them...in the event that someone missed the memo that electronics don't enjoy water. But if that pamphlet wasn't enclosed would you assume that you had the thumbs up to start blow drying your hair in the shower? Probably not. Similarly, all the labels of cleaning products continue to read that it's not a wise (or delicious) idea to consume them. If such instructions were omitted, would you, in the face of a Coke shortage, make a Jack and Pinesol? No, I think not. I think I've made my point...though guidelines and warnings are important and appreciated, in their absence we're supposed to be able to use our best judgment...right? Nope. Case and Point: it seems that all over NYC there has been a malfunction with the Walk/Don't Walk signs-you know, the ones that show a red hand for don't walk and a white walking guy for walk. Anyway, apparently the hand and the man are appearing at the same time...sending a mixed signal to pedestrians...TRICKY, TRICKY! Now...if the traffic lights were malfunctioning too this would, in fact, be a sticky situation...but they're in working order sooooo why have people been getting hit by cars!? Obviously that's not funny...but really?! Were there no other cues as to whether or not it was a good time to walk or not? What's even more interesting is this is occurring mainly on NYC's Upper West and East Sides... Do I smell a conspiracy to smoosh yuppies in their natural habitat? No pilates class or dog grooming appointment is important enough to not look both ways!!

Tweet

I think there is only one "person" whose tweets are truly important. FYI: Tweet means post/update in Twitter language...we'll maturely ignore how closely it resembles a slang for female "private parts." Anyway, the only person who really SHOULD use Twitter, frankly, is the cable guy. It’s 2010 and we have yet to come up with a better system than marinate in your house and someone should be by anytime between 10 and 4...like maybe. It goes like this...

Person seeking Cable:"Can I make an appointment for Saturday?"
Cable Phone Representative with crappy personality: "No."

Ok...clear enough...but....it doesn't look so awesome to employers…missing work in the name of Sports Center. Now...let's imagine a super helpful cable guy tweet- " Attn: 41 Moron Street...finishing my last install...gonna grab a ruben. Be there in 45 min." This would totally have much more utility than the real-time updates the weird girl from high school posts on how she administers insulin to her fat cat Harold. Just sayin.

Conspiracy ALERT- Facebook FORCES Me to Shop...Kinda

Today I decided to take a stroll outside since it wasn't raining...this was a first since 1872 for New Yorkers so I had to seize the moment. By default, to avoid thinking stressful or important thoughts, I enjoy "daydreaming" about my wardrobe. I essentially get lost in a virtual inventory of my closet. I like to catalog all the upcoming activities I have on the horizon and which outfits would correspond appropriately. I'm a deep thinker. Sadly, each time I thought of a potential winning ensemble, I would remember, fu*k me! There's a picture of me wearing that on Facebook! I don't want everyone to be like, "There she is again in that damn polka-dot bustier!" Sadly this logic fails to recognize that I wish "everyone" was browsing my profile let along with such scrutiny. But that's really not the point. Facebook has essentially given us all the ability to be our own paparazzi. Sometimes, unfortunately, others do it on our behalves too...the dreaded tagged photo of you looking like a$$...

"How long has that been up for? I hope my crush didn't see that keg-stand photo where my shirt's around my neck, wearing a full coverage nude bra and my stomach looking like an un-baked grands biscuit!" This scenario alone, merits the need for a blackberry or i-phone if for no other reason. Anyho, as my wardrobe dwindled down to the only few options that remain with tags on it ("Hi my name's Toolbox and I'm a shopaholic..."Hi Toolbox.") I started wondering if I had time to go shopping today because clearly I HAVE NO CLOTHES!! Then I made a deal that first I must do some work and then I'm allowed to go shopping and that's how we arrived at this present moment, still procrastinating from doing work, but taking a stand against the fabricated need to consume created by Facebook! So I'm hear to admit something terrifying: I repeat outfits. I'm not deleting photos to try to obscure this unfortunate truth...just deal with it. I'm hear, I'm trying to be more thrifty, get used to it.

Some Annoying Things of Note

I'm gonna make this snappy because it is WAAAAAAAAAY past my bedtime but I shan't go to bed mildly annoyed by the following things:

• NYC's Speakeasy Boom- I'm not gonna lie, I kinda dig these exclusive, hard to find, basement-y places where the word bartender is a four letter word...it's mixologist, which I don't debate as they do make some pretty crafty concoctions. However they take it a bit far when its starts involving raw eggs n' such. Here's my gripe though- Um, drinking is perfectly legal so all the pretend secrecy is starting to get cheesy, what's next we all start doing lines of powdered sugar in the bathroom?
  
• The Excessive Use of the phrase "Stimulus Package" in marketing- Dominos has a "stimulus package," Trojan has a "stimulus package." Though competitively priced pizza and condoms does sound lovely I don't think its exactly the solution to our nation's financial problems. Just a hunch.
• Some Questionable Fashion Trends- The "Jesus" flats aka Gladiator Sandal won't go away (literally, it looks like the shoes Jesus wore); Jumpsuits (aka "onesies" for grown-ups) are in- which I have mixed emotions about...some I like, others have drapey crotches which I am already predicting girls will admire on each other perpetuating this dreaded look; in the meantime, the drapey crotch frock will expertly function as a man repellent. Suiting is creeping into odd places...some of this is working for me, as you see here (horrid photo compliments of Top Shop's Look Book...are you serious?).
• Obama Jokes Involving Chicken and/or Watermelon- do I really have to explain this? Is this really considered funny to people? I'm not even referring to the obvious, offensive nature these jokes. I'm specifically disturbed by the fact that people are so simple minded that they still find chicken and watermelon jokes funny. I've been doing some stand-up comedy lately, how come these morons don't come to my shows? It would make it a lot easier for me...I could just go up there make a few bathroom jokes and maybe choke a rubber chicken and I'd be an instant success!

Lastly, insomnia is kinda dumb. I could do without that as well. But it's still not as bad as being subliminally tricked into wearing outfits that make me look like I lost a really, really important bet.

Idiot Fish out of Water

Hi. I'm gonna ignore the 900lb gorilla in the room that is our inconsistent postings. After reviewing the site meter it has been brought to my attention that our readership has dwindled to those that serendipitously stumble upon our musings after googling something like impetigo from a tanning bed or worms in my yogurt read Wash Your Fruit in July 07 Archives or not...
Anyway, my career as an office raider has really taken off and has taken me to far away places including East Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I do not fit in there...at all. I, unfortunately, do not know any of the rules of Hasidism and have been breaking them all over town. I tried to shake one of my clients hands the other day...naturally he didn't want to shake my grubby hand and not taking the hint I essentially lunged at him and wrestled a hand shake out of him. If I had peed on him it would have been only a smidge more innappropriate. A few days later, I sashayed off an elevator in to the men's waiting parlor. Though after a night of heavy imbibing I often look like a hot tranny mess I am no man and do not belong there. Upon noticing the sign I went and sat on the other side in the ladies' waiting parlor. It's like middle school but not really at all. Then upon leaving the building a gentleman and I were waiting for the elevator, the doors flew open and I waltzed in and enthusiastically looked at the man to join me and he gestured for me to go on my way. There will be no riding on the elevators with moron girl or maybe just women in general, not sure.
After a day like this I asked Office Knight (aka my sister) to do a little research on the customs of Hasidic Jews and she said she would do no such thing because she was deriving entirely too much joy out of my blunders. I thought, perhaps you might too. Good day to you.

A Controversial Confession

Here goes. One…two…three. I don’t like reading fiction.

I’ve tried and tried and the same thing keeps happening. I get bored or confused or both and besides, reading fiction does not provide any tangible improvement to my life.

While you’re busy judging my intellect, consider a recent attempt to appreciate this genre via Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms.

“In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. In the bed of the river there were pebbles and boulders , dry and white in the sun, and the water was clear and swiftly moving and blue in the channels.”

Problem #1: Extraneous information


What do white pebbles have to do with anything? CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY. At most, the whole book should say, “We lived in a crappy house in a village and then a bunch of things happened such as (fill in the blank) and that’s pretty much it.” That’s the whole story. Not 332 pages of carrying on about dry pebbles and crinkly leaves and the coarse texture of someone’s wool coat.

Problem #2: Intentionally traumatizing one’s self


I believe that if I kept reading, a ton of the characters die. Assuming that one of life’s greatest agonies is mourning the deaths of other people, why would I suddenly say to myself, “It’s a beautiful day out. Let me read about made-up people who die.”
Or what about those fiction books where lizards and witches show up at banquets and get in fights or fly around in glittery outfits. Seriously.
**

Now contrast this with the life-enhancing genre of non-fiction.

Consider these forms…

Biographies – I got to read about Ted Kennedy banging people in someone’s study at parties. Riveting! Who would guess that wrinkled Ted Kennedy did anything but think about healthcare policy and drink too much. And why doesn’t this happen at the parties I go to?

Personal Finance – I’ve learned about building an airtight credit score which will lead to access to mortgages which will lead to a rockin’ apartment which will lead to awesome parties where my guests might bang people in my study.

Personal Transformation – I’ve learned that NOW is all we have. Am I lying in a ditch, staring at a gash in my leg, or trapped at an evangelical church service RIGHT NOW? No. So all is well. Now I can go back to thinking about Ted Kennedy or my disdain for flying lizards.

-Office Knight

IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG...I feel Awkard

Hello to probably like one reader (or none) that has hung on with hope that someday, yes someday the folks at officetan would return. We haven't been really that busy to be honest we just sorta forgot about the blog. I am now focusing my comedic efforts on stand-up. I want you to come watch me, heckle me, throw fruits at me that people think are vegetables. Tomotoes people...tomatoes. I will always wear black just in case. Come to think of though, they really should just be vegetables. They have a much lower glycemic index than other fruits and they're not sweet. Can you imagine if you got a fruit platter delivered and it had pineapples, grapes, sliced melon, strawberries and tomatoes? That would never happen. But guess what? I have seen tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, ironically hanging out with the other crudites...yeah. How 'bout that Just like y should be a consonant or a vowel. Not this a,e,i,o,u, and sometimes Y. WTF is that? Like, me, Sally, Jerry, Kerry, and John are all non smokers and sometimes Ned. No...you smokers that say you're non smokers because you only smoke when you drink...that leads to another question now doesn't it...how often do we drink Ned? Three times a week...that sounds like you're pretty much a smoker. Or people that don't buy their own cigarettes consider themselves not smokers...well that's excellent so now you're a mooch and a smoker. 

NYC: Another Stab at Rationalizing the Insanity

If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. This song pretty much only reminded me of the numerous unauthorized "covers" compliments of inebriated college boys. Frank Sinatra was a close second. Now, when I think of this song, I think, damn, this song is true. I'd love to go on and on and on about how if you can afford a half way decent abode here then you would definitely be the resident "king of the hill" in many other cities; BUT that would compromise my award winning reputation as a blogger with original thoughts. Therefore, we will spend these next few moments exploring how the everyday nonsense that we've come to tolerate and heck, sometimes love in NYC would, most likely, in the majority of other American cities lead to disciplinary action up to and including incarceration. What inspired this posting was a boisterous pairing of adolescent trannies that bursted into a local Dunkin Donuts this past Friday early evening. I happened to be enjoying a blueberry iced coffee while I chatted formally on the phone with a superior of mine. Two VERY loud, giggly tranny girls tried to sell me a painting. Talk about awkward. I had to figure out how to sound responsible and respectful but not really loser-y to appease both parties while dealing with this charade. There is one thing right, however, about this situation. In NYC, we have trannies that are in their teens. In other cities you aren't allowed to be a tranny let along when you're a 15 year old. However, they really shouldn't have been peddling me their high school art. I highly doubt that was legal especially using Dunkin Donuts as their exhibit space.
Another time I was enjoying a very informal conversation with my elder sister, office doll (office knight and I have a sister who is a toy buyer), and she heard the sounds of a very loud bird interrupting our un-important conversation. "Are you in a pet shop?"
Oh No. I was not in a pet shop. Point of clarification: Office Raider doesn't usually go to pet shops, by the way. Not that there would be anything wrong with that but I just don't. I was raised in a zoo. I only roll with elephants and shi+ anyway.
Anyway, no, no, I was not in a pet shop. That was the local man that believes he's a bird. I've seen this man about three times. He seems to live in or around Chelsea or at least likes to do his bird stuff there. He just walks through the streets making bird noises and he has feathers on his head and wears a shiny nylon jacket with a bird embroidered emblem on the back. He's really good at the bird noises FYI. In most other places he would be at least told to stop by an official. And then of course, there's the usual. The talking to oneself or even arguing with oneself which at one point seemed to have gone up exponentially until it was discovered that people that don't drive like to employ hands-free ear pieces. And finally there is the whole sleeping on the streets which we explored here http://officetan.blogspot.com/2007/08/were-kinda-busy.html

The majority of New Yorkers think nothing of the hundreds of people that sleep upon the concrete. So, you see, if you can make it here, not only will you make it anywhere, but you're also likely to be bored out of your mind too.

Consumer Update

Have you ever contemplated getting a body wrap? This is a spa service where one is wrapped up like a burrito after they're basted in a moisturizing, exfoliating preparation. I tried one just this past weekend and I must say not as invigorating as I imagined. After numerous weekends away from home, my inner mommy-dearest demanded that I stay in and relax. I was gonna get a massage (a normal one, perves) but nooooooo, seduced by the menu of exotic treatments, I chose the "Slimming" body wrap. Why? Not sure. This was my first trip to this spa as well. It will rename nameless, I'm hardly qualified to be a spa critic. The spa was different. Not really a vision of relaxation as it was crammed with people and decorating and cleaning was hardly high on their list of priorities. I found this "spa" on spafinder.com. It had good customer reviews. No one cared to mention even in a PC way, such as "no frills," that this place was, well, not so glamorous? Think Coming to America barber shop as the structural setting. Before anyone decides that I'm a carrier of some gross beauty parlor disease, I will preface that it seemed sanitary. So I go up to this room where I find a pair of disposable panties. I begin to undress, as instructed, only to be barged in on by another woman who wants to explain to me that I should put the toilet paper panties on. Thanks. I'll spare you every step, all you need to know is that some black mud was smeared on my entire body with what appeared to be an actual paint brush and then I was wrapped up in a silver space blanket (aka tinfoil) like a glow worm. I was then left to sweat my ass off on a massage table that was encased with an electric blanket for an indefinite period of time. It was kinda nice. Oh, except for the part where I was barged in on two other times by various staff. I would've waived but I couldn't.

We're Kinda Busy

Summertime is a difficult time to blog. By the way, I don't like the word, "Blog," being an official word that has been so Incorporated into our language it can be a noun or a verb. I don't know, maybe I'm being judgemental because it sounds a lot like blob. Well, anyway, as I mentioned we've really not been able to blog (gross) as of late. I've just been very busy with tanning and trying to save the world. Recently I tried to save a struggling young woman from herself, actually. As I walked down my block close to the midnight hour I saw a girl taking a "nap" in the middle of the sidewalk. This napping station clearly was poorly selected as I would imagine her decision making skills were out to lunch compliments of a popular injectible also known as heroine. Maybe it was crack. Not sure. Typically in NYC to see someone napping on the ground is hardly a noteworthy event. However, this young lady, had broken several of the unwritten rules to sleeping in the great outdoors. Number one: you have to nap up against a building. The middle of the sidewalk leads others to believe that you potentially did not intend on napping, as in you're dead or almost dead. Secondly, she looked like someone who had just past out after coming from dance class. She was donning short Lycra-like shorts, a tank top, and one of those flimsy back packs that people use to carry their tap shoes and stuff. This is not appropriate narcotic fiesta attire. Add to this that she looked relatively clean, another no-no if your goal is to not be disturbed while sleeping on a sidewalk. I factor all this into my mind and decided to call 911. I could see that she was breathing so I didn't try to wake her because people sometimes act like wild boar when they're on drugs. The last thing I needed was some doped up dancer flailing around before the ambulance arrived. So I stood back and supervised. I was a safety patrol in 5th grade, you know. Of course, all of Hell's Kitchen wanted to know what was going on too. I quietly told each and every passerby that I had called an ambulance and then gave each and everyone the "go away" look. So I'm waiting and waiting and then a throng of drunken tourists from the UK crowd around and start cackling, "She's dead!" Looking at me, asking me if I had tried to wake her. Suddenly, without my authorization, one of them taps her shoulder and what happens? She acts like a wild boar. Jumps up and spins around, looking at the crowd of people watching her nap and yells in a deep voice, "HEY!" She marches away in a zig zag and my heroic effort is thwarted. I don't think she was a dancer at all. All of her teeth were missing. So, in fact, she was observing one of the snoozing on concrete rules.

When the weather becomes lame again we will aim to increase the frequency of our important posts. You're anticipated understanding is appreciated. (I love "anticipated" anything, cooperation, compliance, generosity because it's a nice way of saying, "You better fu(kin' do whatever it is we're asking).

Officetan Inspiration: Susan is NOT Lazy

It dawned on me not too long ago that most Americans are brought up to strive for mastering a skill or possessing a strength that is most daunting and least likely for them. Expressions like pull yourself up by your bootstraps arise from this M.O. Chasing one's dream fits into this notion as well. What's wrong with snatching up the "dream" that fell in your lap? One of the first motivational quotes I found doing a quick google search whilst composing this intellectually stimulating blog was:

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Facing "challenges" is one of the best ways to sift out your strengths, for sure. Pursuing areas that intimidate is important as well. However, how many of us have dismissed the accomplishment of succeeding at something that was easy? A common household serving utility is a perfect metaphor for this ubiquitous value: The Lazy Susan. For those of you who may not know, a lazy Susan is a serving centerpiece that swivels 360 degrees so that one can reach the snacks on all sides of the dish with a simple turn. I suppose it would be more admirable to have to lean over the table and potentially risk catching your hair or bosom or both on fire from a decorative candle? Note: Lazy Susans are usually used at parties so they're definitely candles. How about calling this handy piece The Awesome Susan? Why must we condemn those that work smarter not harder? From this moment forward I want everyone (including myself) to not apologize for picking the major in college where they knew they could do the least amount of work and get the highest GPA. No more minimizing the success of getting into a profession whose door was opened by a parent or a friend. And for Pete's sake, let's no longer dismiss our superiority in an area because we "have been doing it forever." I think that's a pretty damn good reason to be a cut above the rest. Here's a quote that I enjoy a little more than that Ralph guy above who's middle name is the same as that damn animated nerdy guy that most of us have wasted countless minutes of our lives on to find him in a sea of other douche bags that dress like him (ehem...Waldo).

The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do, well.

Henry W. Longfellow

"There are NO Books in Johnny's Room"

Hi there! Did you know that the blog is a little over a year old now? If you subtract the inactive moments I guess then it's really not our birthday but we're celebrating it anyway. Anyway, what awoke us (or me) from the creativity coma? Men's Health Magazine. There was an article on how to figure out if someone is a good match based on some aspects of their apartment. First off, clearly this was not written with New Yorker's in mind. Unless your W-2 has like eight figures on it, your apartment is not a fair representation of your awesomeness or lack there of. Naturally, when I saw the title of this article I immediately skipped past all the cologne and car ads to this important piece of journalism. I needed to know. I needed to know if my distinguished dwelling was communicating something unfavorable about me that was entirely false...or even worse...true. Well, not surprisingly, there weren't really any earth shattering parallels drawn. In fact some of them just sounded made up because some one's deadline was approaching. For example, it said that people who had a lot of candles in their apartment are typically adventurous. Ok. Maybe but how do we know they're not a neurotic environmentalist that tries to use as little electricity as possible? A nice idea in theory. But I'm sure that would be really annoying to be around. Or even worse, they're majorly cheap. There was also the typical reference to the book collection. Ummm...not fair. I think to toss out a romantic prospect because they had Jose Conseco's book or something might be a little judgemental. However the presence of self help books pertaining to unpleasant conditions or dispositions are certainly grounds for dismissal. If you see books regarding Anger Management, debilitating self esteem issues, Idiot's guide to Halitosis or books about getting "rich" doing something really dumb like selling thigh masters out of your garage you've got my vote to head for the hills. Besides, someone should know that those books should at least be hidden or stored off sight anyway. This did raise a concern for me, however. What if you don't have really any books displayed? Does anyone remember the scathing comment about Johnny Castle not having any books in his room as a way of suggesting that he wasn't so bright? Office Knight and I have books, but they were tossed into a coffin size leather ottoman that doubles as a coffee table.

One part did really resonate with me, though. It said that it could be troublesome if some one's alarm clock is more than 10 minutes fast. And didn't elaborate on why. I'm guessing something to do with assuming the person is disorganized or undisciplined. Frankly, I don't think someone should really give a damn if I prefer to "trick" my half-asleep self. Especially if it results in something positive like punctuality. Wouldn't one rather have their significant other wasting their trickery skills on themselves than on them. Obviously, my alarm clock is set more than 10 minutes fast.

Lastly, it mentioned that if the person has a lot of pictures displayed in their apartment where they're in the center of the photograph that they are probably narcissistic. What's wrong with a little narcissism? You're telling me every soccer goalie is conceited? Besides, narcissistic people are usually really good at a lot of stuff and very aesthetically pleasing. Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta go get some candles, a book shelf, re-set my clock, and find some pictures where I flank the group or maybe I'm just plain not in.