The emergency

Owfice Burn and I had an emergency conversation two weeks ago. This is the same emergency conversation we've been having for years.

"Do you know any poems," I asked.

"Oh definitely," she bragged.

"Ok, quick. Tell me some of them. Details. Right now," I said.

Except, just as I suspected, she knows nothing about poetry either. She'll brag on this blog that she does--but investigate further and you'll find out that the extent of her poetry knowledge is Shel Silverstein's "Where the Sidewalk Ends".

So Owfice Burn and I are, once again, back at square one. Ask us about politics, finance, current events, real estate or beer and we'll give you an earful of information that sounds reasonably important. Ask us about deep stuff like poetry, art or the great works of literature and we're dead.

How are we supposed to make friends with all of those fun people who wear the artsy glasses and wispy skirts if we don't know this stuff!

Can someone please help with this emergency.

Oh and so you know, Office Raider doesn't know anything about poetry either.

On the Bashing-the-Bad-Dad Bandwagon

Why is it that every time I turn around I'm putting my tail between my legs for not posting? Whatev... I wish people were really angry enough that I would have to put my aforementioned "tail" between my legs. If I had a tail, though, you best believe it would be styled and coiffed to the max. Some days I would wear it all big and voluminous and other days, if I wanted to look serious and neat, I would tie it back into a bun. Yeah, that's how I'd handle having a tail. Moving on, some major news in the past week or so, eh? I'm sorry, I know everyone and their mom's dog walker's cousin's neighbor's husband has been blogging on the not- so- enviable parenting skills of Alec Baldwin. However, would really one more quick blurb regarding his really, really poor communication skills hurt the www? Probably not. I'll keep it short. For those who haven't heard it:

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/0419_baldwin.mp3

First of all...he's not sure if his daughter is 11 or 12 years old. I bet Ireland is WAAAAAAAY embarrassed at school. Thanks Mommy Kim. Also, what did he plan on doing when he claimed that he was going to get on a plane and "straighten her out" and then immediately go home. Does that sound a little murder-y or perve-y to anyone else? I have to say this whole situation has brought out the sexism in me because, like some suburban mom, I don't think this would be as appalling if this message were left for, like, a 15 year old son. Fifteen-year old boys often deserved to get called pigs. And my final comment: what's all the banter about feeling humiliated...um, it's your daughter, why are you so damn embarrassed in front of your own family members? I think this event has alerted all Dads around the world to only berate their offspring in person. Yup! The fun's over Bad Dad Community, no more scathing letters, e-mails or voicemails. What does his hot brother, Billy Baldwin, think of all this? I hope his uncle-ing style isn't from the same sheet of music.

Office Tan--International Edition Part Duex

And, um excuse me...why do these terrorist kidnapping plots keep getting more and more ridiculous? This latest release with the 'ill fitting suits' is just too much. Look at the guy to the left of the woman with the headscarf (nice touch btw). Besides looking like he's busy smelling something, he also looks most annoyed by the 'ill fitting suit' situation, and kinda resembles pee wee herman come to think of it. (oh man, i am now secretly hoping that pee wee herman gets kidnapped next. you are too...admit it right now.) ok, getting back to my important analysis, the guy in the back left doesn't seem to mind his 'ill fitting suit' at all, and rather seems giddy over the whole debacle (this would definitly be my attitude). oh, and ps, the intellectual property world is all a-buzz because apparently the shirts are counterfeit Hugo Boss. Can't these terrorists get anything right?!?

Office Tan--The International Edition--Part 1

Excuse me, but why do British people often look like they're busy sniffing something?

Special Report: Office Raider is Very Dangerous Looking

Hi folks! I know, I know. I'm the most fair-weather blogger that ever lived. As soon as the shi% hits the fan, I'm out like a fat kid in dodge ball. In our time apart, however, I have collected quite a nice collection of foolish interactions that I will likely embellish on here. As you know, the officetan headquarters has moved to the hipper (and dangerously close to times square) Hell's Kitchen. When apartment hunting, I took a leap of faith and signed a rental contract despite the fact that my apartment was a pile of dust, literally. Being the detail oriented, office-y type I made a point of dropping in weekly to check up on the construction progress. To do this, however, I would have to wait for someone to let me in the building because I hadn't been blessed with a set of keys just yet. Well...in my sweetest voice, I kindly asked an older lady going into the building if I could come in with her and I explained that I was a new tenant but didn't have keys yet. She barked at me, "If you don't have keys you can't come in!" She was muttering some other nonsense too but who knows what she was saying. As she's barking at me and protecting her building from the dangerous bouffant on the stoop, she squeezes through the door to get into the building. Um, was barely opening the door and squeezing through really necessary? Did she honestly think I was gonna plow through despite our lovely exchange. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda, secretly enjoyed being treated like a dangerous intruder. To top it off, Ms. Neighborhood Watch McGruff lives across the hall from me. Guess I'm not so dangerous anymore.

A report from the new Office Clan headquarters

Our new apartment makes us so happy. It's a million times better than our old place which made us feel like we were living in an unimportant cave. However, nonsense follows the Office Clan wherever we go and a new address can't change that. Following are a few episodes that have taken place in the short 9 days since we began our new lives.

1. I brought my old lady grocery cart with me just in case I wanted to wheel my clothes to a laundromat. Office Raider and I promptly agreed that the old lady cart had to be stowed outside the apartment door so it didn't ruin our new ambience. Within 24 hours, someone stole it. Suspicious. I think it was one of my sticky-fingered senior citizen neighbors. I promptly posted a sign to request it's safe return and surprise, it was returned in the night. So I left the cart outside the door again (still didn't want it to ruin the ambience) and it got taken...again. I've posted another sign but I'm afraid it's a permanent captive now in an AARP member's home. I guess that's what happens when one owns an extremely valuable grocery cart.

2. Office Raider stirred me one evening from my important thinking to report that her radiator was breathing scalding steam all over her room. I marched in to the assess the situation (I'm a trained plumber) and nearly had my face melted off as I tried to clamp the heat valve shut--but unfortunately there was nothing I could do. The radiator valve was broken (I was too weak). Fearing that the whole apartment was going to be steamed into ruins, we called FDNY, who sped over and rescued us and shut off the valve. They rock and are great at shutting off radiator valves.

3. And to conclude today's adventure log, I'd like to report that Office Raider has transformed herself into a bilingual construction foreman. While we are very excited that our apartment is renovated, when we arrived we noticed that some of the work had not been completed--like the shower. Office Raider assigned herself to take a day off from work to supervise the construction by shouting various Spanish commands that she learned during her days as the star of her AP Spanish class.

Over and out,

Office M. Knight

Fraudulent Microwave Sales and Armed Roommates

Office Raider and I are dilligently packing for our move this weekend. In the mean time, we have posted a few of our luxury posessions on Craigslist for sale. Big surprise, the weirdos have rolled out of the woodwork to bid for them. Ed showed up and made us microwave some water to insure that our Microwave was functional. Good thinking, Ed. It's an old trick to sell a broken microwave. Our next buyer, Mary, is on the lookout for furniture after a hasty move from her last apartment. Apparently, she opted to leave her last abode when her roommate cocked a sawed-off shotgun outside her bedroom. Sounds like he was a jerk.

Stay tuned for more moving adventures.

Holes

Here's a fun activity for your Next Dunkin Donuts Visit. A long time ago the office sisters paid a visit to our local Dunkin Donuts to pick up an order of Munchkins. The only problem is we don't like the term "munchkins," it sounds way to much like our Grandma's maiden name. Instead we thought we would call them what they really are...holes. I like the chocolate holes and Office Doll (that's our other sister) likes the powdered ones. "We would like some holes please." The helpful employee began tossing the holes into the sack and I stopped him, "I don't want her holes touching my holes, they're dusty. May we have the holes in separate bags please?" Office Knight chimes in "Who has dusty holes?" I reply, "Office Doll has dusty holes, I don't want them touching mine, I don't like the dust." At this point I see these bright eyes under his Dunkin Donuts' visor dashing around with glee accompanied by a smirk. This man thinks that the double entendre is an accident. His equally pleased colleague is using his peripheral vision equally well to communicate the humor of this absurd dialogue. Finally an innocent bystander chimes in, "You guys are bad. It's Sunday." Sawree lame-o Innocent Bystander. If you're so Holy (tee hee) then what are you doing at Dunkin Donuts. Shouldn't you be sitting in a pew somewhere boring someone else. This post is dedicated to Katrine. The best Dunkin Donuts employee ever. She knows how many Equals I take depending on the size of my beverage. She doesn't work Sundays. We would never do that to Katrine.

Office Raider Has Been Fooled

Office Raider has been urgently forwarding this email (below) around to try and find this missing chick. I am far more advanced than Office Raider so I googled this and discovered that of course, it's a hoax. Office Raider is mortified. She even forwarded it to our 90 year-old grandparents who are undoubtedly now praying for this girl's safe recovery.

The email...

Help Find Ashley Flores

Maybe if everyone passes this on, someone will see this child. That is how the girl from Stevens Point was found by circulationof her picture on tv. The internet circulates even overseas, South America , and Canada etc. Thanks. Please pass this to everyone in your address book. We have a Deli manager from Philadelphia , Pa who has a 13 year old daughter who has been missing for 2 weeks. Keep the picture moving on. With luck on her side she will be found.

"I am asking you all, begging you to please forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE. My 13 year old girl, Ashley Flores, is missing. She has been missing for now two weeks. It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone anywhere knows anything, please contact me at: HelpfindAshleyFlores@yahoo.com. I am including a picture of her. All prayers are appreciated!!It only takes 2 seconds to forward this. If it was your child, you would want all the help you could get."

Not Ready to Make Nice

The Office Tan household finally got a subscription to Netflix so I promptly ordered "Shut Up and Sing", the Dixie Chicks Documentary which is all about the drama that broke out when the the Dixie Chicks criticized President Bush and the Iraq war. Of course, legions of hicks were behind the whole mess. Anyway, the film ROCKS as do the Dixie Chicks. In case you don't know already, the controversy inspired the song "Not Ready to Make Nice." Check out the video. I'm really lousy at seeing symbolism but I think all of those shadows represent the corruption of oil and the darkness of evil. Yeah, deep and smart thoughts. Oh and by accident, after seeing the film, I developed a crush on Natalie Maines, the lead singer. I convinced myself that maybe she was gay and therefore I might have a chance. But since she has a husband and "Natalie Maines + lesbian" turns up nothing relevant on google, I'm out of luck this time.


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Breaking News: Don't Fly First Class

There has been so much news around air travel lately, even here at Officetan. A lot of the controversy has surrounded poor customer service, like people sitting on the runway for eight hours. Also it seems that whenever there is a forecast of even one snowflake falling, the airlines cancel all their flights. However, I'm not gonna take umbrage with that because I would much rather sit on the runway for hundreds of hours rather than go plummeting to my death because some ambitious pilot thought he could hack unfavorable flying conditions. By the way, I know the pilots don't make these decisions but I don't know the name of the airline personnel that does so whatever.

Anyway, now for the real news. Whenever I feel that my life isn't furnishing good blog material I go to a reliable news source that never ceases to provide fodder for my rant fire...Yahoo Odd News. Regular news is for the birds. We've touched on this several times. For example, why did I need to see a clip of a 100 year-old woman getting clocked like 300 times? It's upsetting enough as it is. Think about it: if you kept bringing up something really horrendous that happened at work over and over and over again you'd probably earn yourself some kind of stern verbal warning like the following:

"Hey Stan, I think that's just about enough, we need to get past this, you're really bringing down the 'team's' morale" (Stan is such an office-y name). Soooo.... why is this tolerated at the news' office?

Moving right along, here's what I found on Odd News that I thought needed a quick officetan review:

Paul Trinder, 54, said cabin crew moved the body of the elderly woman from the economy section where she had died after take-off, the Mirror and Sun tabloids said.
"The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor," Trinder, a businessman, was quoted as saying. "It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows."
The woman's daughter was also upgraded and spent the rest of the nine-hour flight from Delhi to London grieving next to her dead mother, the Sun reported.

My Important Commentary: What the hell? There is like 10 million things wrong with this situation. First of all, doesn't someone dying merit an emergency landing? And who's brilliant idea was it to "upgrade" this passenger to first class? Not to mention that the use of the word upgrade in this context is entirely inappropriate. I guess, for now, the next time you're offered an upgrade to first class, you might want to think twice since they seem to only offer free upgrades to people that are either really, really pissed off or dead. Oh, but the seats are a lot bigger.

I Don't Know

For some unknown reason I became really enthusiastic about St. Patrick's day. I kinda accidentally celebrated beyond what was probably necessary to acknowledge this holiday that I know nothing about. One of my finer moments of the evening was interrupting some foolish male in the middle of his gratuitous monologue to ask him why everyone was wearing green, he didn't feel so sharp after that. You know what...I'm gonna stop. I'm not feeling so hot, guys. Sorry.

It's Only a Matter of Time: The Progression of Airport Security

Airport security has been a hot topic now for about 6 years, for obvious reasons. For years they thought metal detectors sufficed and they were wrong. Then they added the patting down of (aka molesting) a "random" selection of people. Now you have to take off your shoes, which really makes a lot of people that fancy themselves as really sophisticated and serious look, well, not so sophisticated or serious. Not to mention that some of us have feet that are not a fair representation of the rest of their grandeur. In my case, I have feet that look like they belong to a four year old, I'm not even joking a little. Then there was the liquid explosives debacle. This has led to all sorts of inconveniences. Because of the new policy, you are only allowed like 3 ounces of any liquid in your carry on luggage...this gave rise to a concept that the office sisters created on our last trip...the "liquid" bag. The liquid bag was a duffel bag, headed for cargo, that contained all the potentially incriminating liquids. Some of the dubious serums that were transported included about 10 different strengths of sunscreen, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and so on.

So... at this point, airport security has us waddling around without our shoes on, guzzling water in the security line, paying for overpriced bottled water once you've cleared security, tedious liquid packing guidelines, therefore this begs the question, what's next? Do you guys realize how screwed we are if someone tries to hi-jack a plane with a bra or underwear bomb? Yup.

"Attention travellers, please have your photo ID ready and remove all of your clothes." Gross.

Attention Annoying Gross People: YOU COULD BE A SERIOUS RISK TO YOUR OWN HEALTH AND OVERALL WELL BEING

okay, office raider is totally right, eyewitness news is so damn ratty. in the background i just overheard the following, "late breaking news"...

"Attention.: IF your doctor doesn't like you...he may not be paying attention to you when you're talking, and that could lead to misdiagnosis or failure to diagnose, which could seriously jeopardize your health!"

Translation: if you are gross and annoying, yes even your doctor will ignore you.

As a lawyer, I also recommend a news alert to that same population of gross annoying people, because they are probably also receiving inferior legal representation because their lawyers are ignoring them for the same reasons. Probably applies to the financial industry as well.

I think the solution here is quite simple. Don't be f'in gross and annoying and people won't ignore you. You will get your settlement, be properly diagnosed, and won't lose your nest egg in some junk bond investment accident.

Ohhh Mannnnn...

Why do these guys always look like they've been dragged out of their bear caves half way through hibernation season?

Something Really Annoying Has Happened

Ok team. So General Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (aka Queen Bee of the military) announced this week that he thinks that homosexuality is immoral. No surprise. Military leaders are often kind of hick.

But what was really annoying is that Hillary Clinton, when asked if she agreed with these comments, answered that this would be for "others to conclude."

Um who?

More importantly, did I or did I not see Hillary at a gala for a gay organization this past Monday bragging up and down about her support for the community.

Here's the bottom line. I, Office Knight, am absolutely tired of politicians who try so hard to appease that whole bigot brigade so that they can have their votes. The bigots are the immoral people. They are the ones who want to maroon gay people on an island (party!!!) and then poison the tofu supply--knowing full well that an entire generation of lesbians would be wiped out if they succeeded. Ok, maybe there's no tofu plot but the island part is true.

Saint Anthony Pays a Visit to JFK Airport

The Office Clan is back from our Florida adventure--not rested but sorta tan. I would be more tan but Office Doll sprayed SPF 50 lotion all over me while convincing me that I would still turn that fancy shade of bronze that I desperately desired. Not so. I might as well have been wearing a snow suit.

Other highlights include the hotel manager coming to our door because someone complained that we were "singing". As usual, our lives closely mirror that of a 6th grader's as in, we still get yelled at by adults constantly. Not only were we not singing--but we thought that the old "this is the management" claim was a cheap line to break into our room and kill us. Consequently, we barked profanities at the door for a few moments before we finally realized that, in fact, we were yelling at the hotel manager.

And finally, for the second trip in a row, Office Doll's damn red rolling suitcase failed to show up at baggage claim. And just like the last time, we all quickly converted to Catholicism and prayed to Saint Anthony for it's safe return. Boy, that Saint Anthony is good. By the next day, he had Office Doll's red bag in a green pick-up truck en route to her apartment.

Over and out.

-Office E. Knight

Movin' on Up...to the West Side

I want to take this moment to thank our wonderful officetan readers for their readership and comments. It really makes the Office Clan's day. If there was no one to read officetan than we wouldn't have been inspired to scan the crap that was on our refrigerator to show the world wide web that we've decided to try to become fancier adults. Fancy adults don't put things that only they find funny on their refrigerator. In fact, super fancy adults probably don't put anything on their fridge. However, during the front-of-the-fridge reform we realized that there were a lot more areas that needed improvement. How about the soap dish in the shower? I'm not talking one that we put in there, I'm talking the permanent one that looks like some kind of ectopic pregnancy of the wall made of tub material, it fell off the wall for no reason and shattered in the tub, late at night no less. Why do things always have to fall or break in the middle of the night? Is it imperative that not only must one suffer the loss of an item that has lost it's function but also have the shi% scared out of them? And it doesn't stop with the soap dish. One time Office Knight's floor swelled up. Yes, it swelled, to a point, a point that would make it IMPOSSIBLE to have a platonic friend over on the aerobed. Every summer, our air conditioner doesn't really work, it will either do nothing, shoot out cold clammy air or breathe gross hot breath all over us in the already sweltering NYC summer heat. Not to mention, that running our air conditioner was like using our checking accounts as a disposable hand fan. Blunder after blunder it started to become clear that this was not about the refrigerator, the floors, the bathroom, it was the apartment. So we decided to move. We're moving. The Officetan Headquarters is moving to the West Side. Thank you all for helping us come to this important realization.

BREAKING NEWS: Being Prude is Extremely Important

Is everyone sitting down? I just heard the most RIDICULOUS nonsense on Eyewitness News. I know I'm not supposed to watch Eyewitness news because it's corny and is always freaking out all the dumb people. However, I wasn't really watching it, it was on in the background so when I heard the term "Purity Ball" come bouncing out of Sade Baderinwa's mouth I was all ears, and not in a good way.

What is a Purity Ball, you ask? It's like a freakin' prom/wedding where daughters make a vow to their dad that they will remain "pure" until they're married. Some of it's "traditions" include those very similar to a wedding including a father/daughter dance, a white dress, and a cake...I'm not sure if Daddy and lil' Suzy are feeding each other the cake though...can we say, "CREEPY!" enough? And lame! And waaaayyyy hypocritical! Why in the world would someone pledge their virginity to the sluttiest people around (aka men)? Furthermore, I see no one really gives a damn if their adolescent son goes out and gets laid a billion times, which leads me to my next question. If the sons are not pledging their virginity, then they're free to roam the ass trail. Now, if all the daughters' flowers are locked up in their weirdo dad's humidor or something then who is left for the sons to bang? You guessed it! The married women! So I hope the dads don't get pissed when their neighbor's son is getting more than a cup of sugar from their wife.

Lastly, is this really all today's daughters have to pledge? How about throwing a "Don't be Completely Useless" Ball where daughters promise their dads that they will try to do well in school and discover a satisfying (and hopefully lucrative) career so that they can be independent and not make awful husband choices because they can't support themselves. Perhaps that would be a little more worthy of celebrating.

Oh! And here's the kicker, in stride with the government programs that fund promoting abstinence, many of these "Purity" Balls have been subsidized with federal funding. I swear, if I find out that even a single one of these Purity Ball Queen's hymen has gone missing, I'm asking for some kind of repayment of my precious tax dollars!

Our Path to Adulthood--Part 2

As part of honing my domestic qualities, I do my own laundry. There are a couple of washers and dryers in my building so it's pretty convenient. About 2 months ago, when I went to dry my freshly laundered clothes, I noticed a tattered ratty skirt that had been left in the dryer that I wanted to use. It was so raggy that I took the tips of my thumb and forefinger, clasped them around the very edge of the skirt so as to touch as few skirt molecules as possible and gingerly placed it on top of the dryer for the owner to claim. Later that evening, I collected my now dried laundry, glanced again at the junkyard skirt and concluded yet another laundry adventure.

Meanwhile, the skirt-owner's laundry journey had obviously gone terribly wrong. 2 days later, my building was wall-papered with signs with frantic messages from the skirt-owner pleading for info on her missing lawn mowed-skirt. Like a good samaritan, I left her a message with all of the clues that I had. But apparently, my clues were not enough because this sign (below) was later slipped under each building unit's door.

Office Raider and I liked it so much that we saved it on our refrigerator. But now that we're trying to become adults, we're throwing away the original sign and archiving the scanned version on our blog.