Office Knight v. The Meanest Person in the World

A few months ago I decided that I wanted a vintage Omega watch. I won one on eBay and was delighted but when it arrived it wasn’t running. This kicked off a battle with the seller who happened to be the meanest person in the world. Please see our exchanges below culminating in a dramatic triumph for Office Knight. I have bolded and capitalized my side comments.

Dear eBay seller,

I received the watch today. Unfortunately, it's not running at all. It is also far smaller than I thought it would be. I don't think I realized that the lugs would add such length to the size. Would you consider taking the watch back because of these two issues? I realize that time, effort and expense were put into shipping it to me so I certainly am not asking for a shipping refund--but instead just the base cost.

Best,
Office Knight


Dear Office Knight,
Please return the watch immediately.

-eBay seller

(OFFICE KNIGHT SHIPS THE WATCH AND THEN IS INFORMED BY GRANDPA OFFICE KNIGHT THAT OLD WATCHES DO NOT RUN UNTIL THEY ARE WOUND. OOPS!)

Dear Office Knight,

The watch was received today. I fail to see why you had to lie to me concerning this watch. (NO ONE CALLS OFFICE KNIGHT A LIAR. OH, AND NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER) It is running perfectly. I am offended when false claims are made for returning a watch. I am undecided as to how to proceed, but it is not favorable. (IS SHE GOING TO KILL OFFICE KNIGHT?)

Your comment is awaited.
-eBay seller (AT THIS POINT, WE RENAME HER AS “MEANEST PERSON IN THE WORLD)

Dear Meanest Person in the World,

I don't think it's fair or professional at all that you would call me a liar. Why would I make a false claim in knowing that you would receive the watch and be able to examine it for yourself. When I received it, it was not running. Perhaps I am unaware of how to make an older watch run? I also expressed to you that I was dissatisfied with the size of the watch and was not aware that the circumference had been disproportionately affected by the length of the lugs.(OFFICE KNIGHT USES FANCY WORDS LIKE "CIRCUMFERENCE" AND "DISPROPORTIONATE"),

I have returned the watch to you promptly as requested. I am respectfully requesting a refund. (OFFICE KNIGHT REMAINS POLITE)

Best,
Office Knight

Office Knight:
I dislike being lied to.
How do you make an antique watch work? You wind it. (OOOH)
Working for (SHE INSERTS NAME OF OFFICE KNIGHT’s COMPANY) you should know this. I will send you a refund, although you do not expect one from your comment, nor do you deserve one.

If you want to look at merchandise before purchasing it, I suggest that you go to the mall. A word of advice that your behavior will make your life on eBay short-lived. (WILL OFFICE KNIGHT’s ANTIQUE WATCH IGNORANCE CAUSE HER TO BE MURDERED BY PEOPLE FROM EBAY?)
Refund will go out today.

-Meanest Person in the World

Dear Meanest Person in the World,

I received the money order today. It has been redeemed.

This was by far the most appalling business transaction that I have ever experienced. You've
acknowledged that my crime was not knowing how to operate an antique watch. I'm sure you've been equally ignorant on such benign subjects in your lifetime.

If you had a 0 tolerance returns policy, you should've stated so in your posting. Since you didn't, I asked you to "consider" a refund and you obliged while scolding me for my audacity.

Meanest Person in the World, it is unprofessional, rude, hostile and downright bizarre to conduct yourself in this manner. I suggest you take a moment to remind yourself that you are running a business and not a boarding school for unruly children. (TAKE THAT!)

-Office Knight