A Review of Fine Dining

Ono Hotel Gansevoort 18 9th Avenue

My Dining experience

Located in the uber-trendy Hotel Gansevoort where skinny jeans have been spotted on the stems of equally skinny European lads way before skinny jeans were cool. I took a very "discerning" (that's polite for ridiculously hard to please) psychiatrist here, per his recommendation. Upon our arrival, we were brought to our first table when he gasped with disgust, "This table is just too noisy" and the nervous hostess now made really nervous excuses herself for reinforcements. A tall gentleman with slicked back hair comes back with her and Mean psych tells him that "we" need another table. So the tall gentlemen leads us to another table, located in the not-much quieter back and mean psych barks "You gotta be outa ya mind, bring me to a table with real chairs." This table had benches. The hostess and the tall gentleman disappear again and during this time a bus boy gets victimized by mean psych as he tries to walk by our group, "Next time go around 'little boy,'" mean psych hisses. The hostess and the tall guy come back and lead us to a small table, in a quiet area with backs on the chairs and finally mean psych is pleased. "Now this is a real table." Yes, unlike all those imaginary, faux tables we looked at previously...
Once we had alienated the entire staff we ordered cocktails and food and the evening was going smoothly. This is until mean psych begins to eat his lobster corn-on-the cob style like Darryl Hannah in Splash, but, whatever, she had an excuse, she was a mermaid. I look over and he's licking each of his digits clean with delight and I notice what I think is some black stuff on his teeth. At this point I'm staring...What is that?! He excuses himself to the restroom (a lovely restroom they have at Ono, I will add) and returns pointing to his mouth with shock, "I broke my tooth!" The "black stuff" that I thought I saw was really just "black" space. Mean psych was so angry and needless to say we didn't get dessert. Fortunately, it was warm out so there was no traumatizing of any coat check personnel and I lipped "sorry," 'cause I'm sure that made it all better, to the hosts at the front as we left the restaurant.

Delicious: Lobster cooked in soy butter

Not so delicious: Maneuvering in and out of the tables that are supposed to make you look like you're sitting on the floor. You'll most likely end up sliding around on all fours across silky pillows to get to your seat. My suggestion: ask for the "aisle" seat. ( I sat at these during another visit...Yes I had the nerve to go back.)

Cost: Really FRICKIN' expensive.

Decor: Perty nice...There are these weird, large rocks that I thought were big hunks of fish...But they weren't.

Service: Awesome even if you abuse them.