Jo Burn-ism: Be Safe. Wear Sweats

I received a phone call from Mother Jo Burn recently that went something like this:

Me: “Hello”

Jo Burn: “When you go runnin’ do you wea shoats (shorts)?” (Note: there was no greeting, just this question presented in an urgent panicky tone.)

Me: “Ummm, yea. It’s the summer and I live in Brooklyn. I confess I do wear shorts when I run. WHY???”

Jo Burn: (Super agitated) “Well, you ah NOT to wear shoats! Do you undastand me? I saw a intaview with a police officah who said runnin shoats attract attention. You ahh not to attract attention. That’s how people get murdered!! Do you want to be murdered??”

Me: “No, I don’t want to be murdered. What do you propose I wear then?”

Jo Burn: “Sweat pants. Baggy sweat pants. They’re safe."

Me: “Sweat pants. Yes. Great idea. I’ll go buy some right now.”

Moral of the story: Be safe. Wear sweats.

The Google Images

Just to satisfy your own curiosity, this is me according to google images.

--Owfice Burn

Because It's Un-Natcheral

Why is it that whenever someone says that marriage should be "between a man and a woman", they always have a hick accent?

And on the topic of rejecting gay marriage rights, shame on New York State’s courts for acting like creepy bigot judges from the 1800’s.

Wash Your Fruit

I like to buy raspberries from the illegal fruit dealers on the street. I say they're illegal only because why are their raspberries only 2 plastic thingy's for $4.00 (no they're not all smashed) and the grocery stores have them for like $6.99 a plastic thingy? By the way, I don't want some ass to send me an analysis on why the illegal fruit dealers' fruit would be less 'cause they have less overhead, employees...blah, blah, blah. I digress.

The other day I was gleefully eating them sans washing them and Office Knight told me that I should really wash them first and I totally brushed it off, I did, I gave it really no thought. Well today I went to enjoy my usual handfuls of raspberries that I actually stir into plain yogurt, if you must know. So I'm dropping them in (unwashed of course) 3 or 4 at time and then stirring them in, repeat and on the third load I notice that inside one of the raspberries they're is some green asshole-worm all curled up in there!! How many of these have I stirred in? Oh, I was just so grossed out and annoyed. So I ditched the raspberry that had the green guy living in it and I kinda looked at my well stirred cup of yogurt and thought...ah well, next yea

I betcha you can look forward to Office Knight writing a letter to the USDA on my behalf.

A Heartwarming Tale of Heroism in the Workplace

Guest Blogger Owfice Hero Contributed the Following Inspirational Owfice Story:

I just became the Owfice Hero. CEO's iPod was dead. Mind you this is the DELUXE U2 iPod that holds 3500 songs and has all of U2's signatures laser etched into the back of it...the fancy one that is black with a red dial. It had been charging all night and wouldn't even turn on.

Good thing Owfice Hero knew that every so often you have to reboot your iPod. When CEO was in crisis, I quickly googled "reboot iPod" -

CEO: "Maybe I need to get a new iPod? How many songs does a nano have? Do you have a nano?"
Office Hero (thanking God that she got one for Christmas): "I have the big one and it holds 1,000 songs - but that's plenty for me"
CEO: "That's all?!?!? This one holds 3500 songs its 4 gigs"
Office Hero: "Wow!! I've found it pretty ok with just 1,000 songs, I only use about 700."

After holding down the combination of buttons...Voila!!! DELUXE SUPER BESTEST iPod in the world turns on.

CEO then proclaims (and practically jumps in the air): "YES!! Look at that, you're the best!! Thank you so much!!" and proceeds to bend over my shoulder and KISS OFFICE HERO ON THE CHEEK.

Whoa?!?! Office Hero thinks that's slightly stepping over the line and feels a little bit violated. Office Hero never really expected to feel the CEO's stubble on it's skin....AWKWARD...YUCK..GROSS. Office Hero's do NOT need kisses for being heros.

After a rave review from everyone in the surrounding area and praise from my fellow Office-mates for being the Office Hero - the following occurs

Office Hero: (and yes, Office Hero said this) "so does that constitute for a raise?!"
CEO: No, but I will definitely buy you lunch. You got my iPod working, not me working!

Again - AWKWARD...YUCK..GROSS...

Office Hero will take the free lunch nonetheless.

Lesson of the day from Office Hero: learn how to reboot an iPod. Just hold down the Menu and Select buttons simultaneously.

Office Raider vs. the Meanest Person in the World

The meanest person in the world from ebay was so mean that her slanderous correspondence with Office Knight bothered Office Raider despite the fact that Office Raider had nothing to do with it. It was clear that the meanest person in the world had the patience and personality of a person who had been at the DMV for 7 hours so Office Raider thought to test that by sending her a message on ebay regarding one of her other items, another antique (aka old and crappy) watch. Office Raider wrote (trying to sound like a big, not so funny idiot)

Hi. I was curious where you find this watch. it looks so much like my grandmother's ! It would be nice to have in family again. Where did you get it? Hope ya didn't dig up her old bones...just a joke. anyway...would you consider lowering the opening price?

She replied
I got it at a private sale and no I will not lower the price

Office raider could tell by the curt response that she was annoyed and hoped that she would reconsider her measly, dusty watch selling career on ebay

Jo Burn-ism: "Aw Well, Next Yea!"

Office Burn's mother, Jo Burn is famous for her unique life advice and perspective. The Zen phrase, “Aw well next yea!” has become something of a life philosophy for Knight, Raider and me. It stands for the idea of letting go and not wasting time beating up oneself over anything whatsoever.

The term came about on Easter morning, when Owfice Burn called Mother Jo Burn at her sister Cath's home. Cath is a single corporate mom with two small children. She tends to run her family like a corporation, and often overlooks details such as, "easta baskets." Owfice Burn called to wish everyone a happy Easter, and inquired as to how the children enjoyed their Easter treats. Jo burn then puts down the phone and yells, "Hey Cath, How’d the kids like their Easta baskets?" Cath gasps, and replies, "AWWWWW Gawd, I fuhgot!" In her irrepressible optimism, Jo shouts back, "Ohhhh...Aw well, next yea!"

We apply this saying to every life scenario, particularly those where the oversight is one of crucial importance. You should too!

Happy 4th of July

We're just gettin' back into town, hope you had a nice 4th!

Moo

Are these earings too much?

--Office Raider

Becaws, That's Why

Owfice Burn turned into Lizzy Grubman because that's what important celebrity types do when things don't go exactly their way. They take control of the situation, particularly when they are driving sporty saabs, donning designer shades, platinum highlights, and a slinky black dress. Luckily Owfice Burn had just returned from a zen inspired massage retreat in China Town where she learned the true meaning of inner peace. Had she not just experienced this spiritual awakening, she might have really gone off the deep end.
--Owfice Burn

Why Did Owfice Burn Turn into Lizzie Grubman?

Remember Lizzie Grubman? She was the celebrity publicist who yelled “white trash” at a Hamptons nightclub bouncer before plowing into him and 16 guests with her Mercedes and then driving away.

Yesterday, Owfice Burn and I were driving around Soho when a cab stopped in the middle of the street to drop off passengers thereby trapping us in an intersection. Owfice Burn, concerned that she might get a ticket for this, used her impeccable judgment to decide to ram into the cab. This caused the tourists in the cab to swivel around and glare at us while revealing their tall, cotton candy Texas hair. Owfice Burn then exhibited her true pirate heritage when she began to swear incessantly at the cab driver as she drove away.

Why did Owfice Burn turn into Lizzie Grubman?

Tanning Salon Accident

Many moons ago office knight and I were perusing yahoo personals...people give themselves really foolish names like "Junk in the Trunk" or "Pawly C 4 eva." Office knight suddenly shouted, "Oh no! Tanning salon accident." Office knight was referring to the overly tan person in the picture. I misunderstood, however and thought that was the name of the person's profile (which would have been AWESOME) and thus was born an obsession with tanning salon accidents, a phrase coined by office knight's mother.

The grass isn't always greener

Hi I'm office raider. I don't have an office, I raid other people's offices all day long hoping they'll have a use for the wares that I peddle. I am often not welcome either. Many people tell me they wish they could have a job like mine where there is no office. I'd like to remind you about some of the reasons why you should never take office life for granted: My office has wheels, this has many benefits but also many liabilities. I doubt you ever sit in your cube worrying that you might kill someone with your cube if you're not careful. Have you ever been charged $65.00 if you're not back at your cube after an hour?? Probably not. Imagine you wanted to use the restroom, you'd walk down the hall, maybe a flight of stairs, at worst you might need to use a sketchy key and then take care of biz. Everytime an office raider needs to go to the bathroom they have to pack up their entire "cube,"if you will, find a place to put it and buy a fckn' cup of coffee that they don't even want, AGAIN!

Office Knight v. The Meanest Person in the World

A few months ago I decided that I wanted a vintage Omega watch. I won one on eBay and was delighted but when it arrived it wasn’t running. This kicked off a battle with the seller who happened to be the meanest person in the world. Please see our exchanges below culminating in a dramatic triumph for Office Knight. I have bolded and capitalized my side comments.

Dear eBay seller,

I received the watch today. Unfortunately, it's not running at all. It is also far smaller than I thought it would be. I don't think I realized that the lugs would add such length to the size. Would you consider taking the watch back because of these two issues? I realize that time, effort and expense were put into shipping it to me so I certainly am not asking for a shipping refund--but instead just the base cost.

Best,
Office Knight


Dear Office Knight,
Please return the watch immediately.

-eBay seller

(OFFICE KNIGHT SHIPS THE WATCH AND THEN IS INFORMED BY GRANDPA OFFICE KNIGHT THAT OLD WATCHES DO NOT RUN UNTIL THEY ARE WOUND. OOPS!)

Dear Office Knight,

The watch was received today. I fail to see why you had to lie to me concerning this watch. (NO ONE CALLS OFFICE KNIGHT A LIAR. OH, AND NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER) It is running perfectly. I am offended when false claims are made for returning a watch. I am undecided as to how to proceed, but it is not favorable. (IS SHE GOING TO KILL OFFICE KNIGHT?)

Your comment is awaited.
-eBay seller (AT THIS POINT, WE RENAME HER AS “MEANEST PERSON IN THE WORLD)

Dear Meanest Person in the World,

I don't think it's fair or professional at all that you would call me a liar. Why would I make a false claim in knowing that you would receive the watch and be able to examine it for yourself. When I received it, it was not running. Perhaps I am unaware of how to make an older watch run? I also expressed to you that I was dissatisfied with the size of the watch and was not aware that the circumference had been disproportionately affected by the length of the lugs.(OFFICE KNIGHT USES FANCY WORDS LIKE "CIRCUMFERENCE" AND "DISPROPORTIONATE"),

I have returned the watch to you promptly as requested. I am respectfully requesting a refund. (OFFICE KNIGHT REMAINS POLITE)

Best,
Office Knight

Office Knight:
I dislike being lied to.
How do you make an antique watch work? You wind it. (OOOH)
Working for (SHE INSERTS NAME OF OFFICE KNIGHT’s COMPANY) you should know this. I will send you a refund, although you do not expect one from your comment, nor do you deserve one.

If you want to look at merchandise before purchasing it, I suggest that you go to the mall. A word of advice that your behavior will make your life on eBay short-lived. (WILL OFFICE KNIGHT’s ANTIQUE WATCH IGNORANCE CAUSE HER TO BE MURDERED BY PEOPLE FROM EBAY?)
Refund will go out today.

-Meanest Person in the World

Dear Meanest Person in the World,

I received the money order today. It has been redeemed.

This was by far the most appalling business transaction that I have ever experienced. You've
acknowledged that my crime was not knowing how to operate an antique watch. I'm sure you've been equally ignorant on such benign subjects in your lifetime.

If you had a 0 tolerance returns policy, you should've stated so in your posting. Since you didn't, I asked you to "consider" a refund and you obliged while scolding me for my audacity.

Meanest Person in the World, it is unprofessional, rude, hostile and downright bizarre to conduct yourself in this manner. I suggest you take a moment to remind yourself that you are running a business and not a boarding school for unruly children. (TAKE THAT!)

-Office Knight

Owfice Fleas

yes, you guessed it. my office has fleas. and not as in the flea to the left...though that would certainly be a more welcome breed of flea. or perhaps a more entertaining breed of flea. anyway, the flea fiasco began when my office neighbor phillis claimed she spotted a flea on her bench memo. this was allegedly confirmed by the office secretary, aka "office mom", cheryl. i should also note that this office is comprised of small group of attorneys that have been annexed from the main firm headquarters, aka "the mother ship." as a result, everyone relegated to the annex is deeply bitter and resentful. It is for this reason that i sincerely doubted the truth to the flea story. that is until i spotted what could only be described as a flea like insect..or perhaps a fruit fly, no maybe a small piece of airborne lint on my knee. at any rate, its presence provoked a high pitched squeal from me. this then incited a small riot in the hall way in which outraged attorneys expressed their utter disgust and dismay at what we are being forced to endure. barbaric indeed. judy, the mousiest of the bunched then revealed, "you're not gonna believe this, but i have flea bites awl ova my body." GASP! we all shook our heads. as a result, our little satellite office must be fumigated. in the mean time, secretly everyone is psyched because it's really much more fun to bitch about fleas and how you can't even get any work done..than actually having to do work.
-Owfice Burn

Bravely Confronting Corporations

I wouldn’t post this very personal letter if I didn’t think that it could inspire many people to stand up for their rights as a consumer.

Dear Yogi Tea,

Hi, I hope I'm sending this to the right location. I have been enjoying your DeTox tea. However, today my tea bag had a short (approximately 1 inch) black hair in it.

I wanted to bring that to your attention. The box is labeled with a bar code with the numbers: 0 76950 45008 0.

Thank you.

Office Knight


Dear Ms. Knight:

Thank you for the email. My experience has been that
most hair-like substance that are reported to me are actually herb
fibers. If you still have the hair please mail it to me.

In either case, please send me your mailing address so
that I may send
you a coupon for free Yogi Tea.

Best wishes,

The nice lady at Yogi Tea

Dear Ms. Y. Tea,

Thank you so much for your email. The hair is now
long gone. I was thinking about it though--I love
Yogi Tea and I don't care if it has herb fibers or
hairs so no need to send me free tea.

I really appreciate your customer service.

Best,

Office Knight

Guest Blogger: Jen Cats

Moment of Realization
by Jen Cats

Last year on April Fools Day, my colleagues pitched in to hire this guy to dress up as a pink bunny rabbit and sing to one of the attorneys on my floor. Nobody tells me anything, so the only reason I knew about this was because they needed me. I got a mention in the emails preceding the event:

HEY GUYS!
WE HIRED A PINK BUNNY TO SING TO BILL. HE SHOULD BE HERE AROUND 4! JEN, CALL ME WHEN HE GETS HERE, OKAY?

HEY GUYS!
THE BUNNY IS ON HIS WAY! JEN, CAN YOU CALL ME WHEN HE GETS TO THE SECURITY DESK?


The pink bunny walked in, or should I say, the brown-ish, rose-ish, mangy beast flopped in and was escorted by his contact person, a young, low-ranking paralegal that sits a few desks away from me. She awkwardly half-smiled, and gave a look that seemed to say, "This could be cool if I wasn't me and we weren't at work and this wasn't happening." Her embarrassment was totally justifiable. She looked like a tool.

HEY GUYS!
THE BUNNY IS HERE! EVERYONE MEET AT BILL'S OFFICE NOW!!!

Did I want to see the bunny? Hell, yes. I can't lie to you. I wanted to see a man in a bunny costume singing to a man in a Brooks Brothers suit, and why? Because I love a good freak show.

From my desk, I could hear everyone laughing and clapping and the muffled, throaty sounds of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" at an alarmingly fast tempo. I got out of my seat and turned the corner in an attempt to witness the freak show that was Bill's office April Fools surprise. The laughs and clapping had petered out by now. The initial glee was over and the smoker's rendition of "Happy Birthday" had started. (By the way, It wasn't Bill's birthday. That may have been the only funny part of this ill-executed show.) Bunny's singing voice had become more of growl, and as I walked closer, I could see him waving his dirty catcher's mitt-paws and half-heartedly hopping from one leg to the other. Bunny's ears were semi-erect, and waving from side to side, occasionally whipping Bill on the side of the head. Bill's smile was plastic and forced. My coworkers now watched in an open-mouthed trance, occasionally letting loose a "hah", but mostly wincing.

As soon as Bunny snarled out the last "happy birthday to you" he pushed past the crowd that had assembled at Bill's door and ran down the hall for the single-seater bathrooms. The whole thing took less than 45 seconds and probably cost $100. What a racket.

I went back to my seat pondering it all. About 2 minutes later, a short, young, Italian-looking guy with some serious stubble, and mess of curly, oily hair atop his head darted past me carrying a huge black duffle bag, a narrow brown-pink ear waving from its opening.


Regrettably, since then, I've figured out that it was the last truly exciting thing that happened at work.

*siiiiiiiiigh*


If you hear of any jobs out there, let me know...

betta use sunblock in the owfice

just in case you were pondering the origin of the name owfice burn, take a look. those of us of irish descent know the meaning of a bad owfice burn awl too well...

Sick Day

today i cawled in sick. why is it that i still feel like a lying 12 year old every time i have to cawl in sick even though i am nearly 28 years old and an attorney? luckily my voice has been impaired by the head cold, rendering it super scratchy and squeaky, thus validating my sickness in my mind. nonetheless i still felt the sense that mary lou the secretary was challenging the validity of my sickness when i reported it to her this morning. i even felt the need to make my tone sound despondent and hopeless, and i secretly hoped that mary lou would send around a firm e-mail saying something to the effect of, "owfice burn has cawled in sick today. she sounds just awful! please everyone keep her in your prayers!" she actually did that last week for a fellow secretary. i smell conspiracy. they're always watching out for each other. she definitely thinks i just milked my extra groggy morning voice. it's probably even the water cooler discussion of the day. i guess i'll just have to cawl in sick tomarra too. ya know, to make it seem more legit.
-owfice burn

Happy Gay Pride

Since it’s gay pride weekend, I was just reading about the Stonewall riots in 1969 that kicked off the gay rights moment. Apparently the big question is, if gay folks were used to the police raids like the one that took place at the Stonewall Inn, then why did they riot?

This is what it says on Wikipedia:

“What may have made the June 1969 raid different was the death a week earlier of Judy Garland, an important cultural icon with whom many in the gay community identified. The palpable grief at her loss culminated with her funeral on Friday, June 27, attended by 22,000 people, including perhaps 12,000 gay men. Many of the Stonewall patrons were still emotionally distraught when the raid occurred that night, and refused to react passively.”-- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots

Since when did Judy Garland become the catalyst for the global gay rights movement? That sounds like some historian may have gotten a little bit confused. But either way, that's my favorite riot cause EVER.

Imagine what would happen if Madonna died.


Oh and in case anyone wants a quick Gay Pride history lesson, here it is (from the same Wikipedia link):

“The Stonewall riots, which as a whole is often called the Stonewall Rebellion, were a series of violent conflicts between gay men and police officers in New York City. The first night of rioting began on Friday, June 27, 1969 not long after 1:20 a.m., when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Greenwich Village. "Stonewall," as the raids are often referred to, is generally considered a turning point for the modern gay rights movement worldwide, as it is one of the first times in modern history a significant body of gay people resisted arrest.”