New Health and Wellness Guidelines

Okay...I've sort of had it with these lethal vegetables. First spinach, now green onions?? For years the understanding has been that vegetables are the mainstay of a healthy diet. Children have been harassed for eons to eat spinach, a conspiracy so omnipotent that even the cartoonists got involved creating Popeye the sailor man and his anorexic wife. In retrospect, Olive Oyl being so skinny made sense if all she and Popeye ate was spinach but I find it highly suspect that Popeye was able to reach such hypertrophy on spinach alone...I smell foul play. It's neither here nor there at this point, I guess.
So here's my gripe: We have now lost two things that were supposed to be good for us and that are now downright dangerous. So I would like to swap these two things out (the green onions won't be missed on dates around the world, but who cares) for two things that are currently dangerous that should now be made unharmful or hell, part of a healthy lifestyle.

1) Tanning: I don't like being pale. I mock being pale...hello, Office Tan?? Until now, I've suffered through the embarrassment of brown collars and bra straps and sheets stamped with my bronze silhouette. Today I am tossing out my self tanners, canceling my airbrush tan membership and booking a trip to an exotic location directly on the equator. Sun Seekers rejoice! UV rays prevent cancer, boost immunity and kiss your skin with an irresistible cinnamon hue that renders potential suitors practically powerless. Great, that's done.

2)Alcohol: I know, I know there's been studies that show that 1-2 drinks/day has cardiovascular benefits but I'm not talking about being allowed to have a small, daily dose of alcohol. First, I would like the 7 calories per gram of alcohol to be removed. Then I would like alcohol to not only not interfere with my ability to operate heavy machinery but enhance it so I can drive myself to and fro my debauchery depot of choice without a shred of guilt or concern for my legal record. Finally, I would like the new guidelines to show that alcohol improves liver function and that shots are a crucial part of any meal and that keg stands should be supplemented whenever possible.

As more and more things like running and flossing become increasingly harmful additional splurges will be reviewed and recommended.

TGIF without DJ Tanner is IF. Happy Friday my friends.