Office Tan--The International Edition--Part 1

Excuse me, but why do British people often look like they're busy sniffing something?

Special Report: Office Raider is Very Dangerous Looking

Hi folks! I know, I know. I'm the most fair-weather blogger that ever lived. As soon as the shi% hits the fan, I'm out like a fat kid in dodge ball. In our time apart, however, I have collected quite a nice collection of foolish interactions that I will likely embellish on here. As you know, the officetan headquarters has moved to the hipper (and dangerously close to times square) Hell's Kitchen. When apartment hunting, I took a leap of faith and signed a rental contract despite the fact that my apartment was a pile of dust, literally. Being the detail oriented, office-y type I made a point of dropping in weekly to check up on the construction progress. To do this, however, I would have to wait for someone to let me in the building because I hadn't been blessed with a set of keys just yet. Well...in my sweetest voice, I kindly asked an older lady going into the building if I could come in with her and I explained that I was a new tenant but didn't have keys yet. She barked at me, "If you don't have keys you can't come in!" She was muttering some other nonsense too but who knows what she was saying. As she's barking at me and protecting her building from the dangerous bouffant on the stoop, she squeezes through the door to get into the building. Um, was barely opening the door and squeezing through really necessary? Did she honestly think I was gonna plow through despite our lovely exchange. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda, secretly enjoyed being treated like a dangerous intruder. To top it off, Ms. Neighborhood Watch McGruff lives across the hall from me. Guess I'm not so dangerous anymore.

A report from the new Office Clan headquarters

Our new apartment makes us so happy. It's a million times better than our old place which made us feel like we were living in an unimportant cave. However, nonsense follows the Office Clan wherever we go and a new address can't change that. Following are a few episodes that have taken place in the short 9 days since we began our new lives.

1. I brought my old lady grocery cart with me just in case I wanted to wheel my clothes to a laundromat. Office Raider and I promptly agreed that the old lady cart had to be stowed outside the apartment door so it didn't ruin our new ambience. Within 24 hours, someone stole it. Suspicious. I think it was one of my sticky-fingered senior citizen neighbors. I promptly posted a sign to request it's safe return and surprise, it was returned in the night. So I left the cart outside the door again (still didn't want it to ruin the ambience) and it got taken...again. I've posted another sign but I'm afraid it's a permanent captive now in an AARP member's home. I guess that's what happens when one owns an extremely valuable grocery cart.

2. Office Raider stirred me one evening from my important thinking to report that her radiator was breathing scalding steam all over her room. I marched in to the assess the situation (I'm a trained plumber) and nearly had my face melted off as I tried to clamp the heat valve shut--but unfortunately there was nothing I could do. The radiator valve was broken (I was too weak). Fearing that the whole apartment was going to be steamed into ruins, we called FDNY, who sped over and rescued us and shut off the valve. They rock and are great at shutting off radiator valves.

3. And to conclude today's adventure log, I'd like to report that Office Raider has transformed herself into a bilingual construction foreman. While we are very excited that our apartment is renovated, when we arrived we noticed that some of the work had not been completed--like the shower. Office Raider assigned herself to take a day off from work to supervise the construction by shouting various Spanish commands that she learned during her days as the star of her AP Spanish class.

Over and out,

Office M. Knight

Fraudulent Microwave Sales and Armed Roommates

Office Raider and I are dilligently packing for our move this weekend. In the mean time, we have posted a few of our luxury posessions on Craigslist for sale. Big surprise, the weirdos have rolled out of the woodwork to bid for them. Ed showed up and made us microwave some water to insure that our Microwave was functional. Good thinking, Ed. It's an old trick to sell a broken microwave. Our next buyer, Mary, is on the lookout for furniture after a hasty move from her last apartment. Apparently, she opted to leave her last abode when her roommate cocked a sawed-off shotgun outside her bedroom. Sounds like he was a jerk.

Stay tuned for more moving adventures.

Holes

Here's a fun activity for your Next Dunkin Donuts Visit. A long time ago the office sisters paid a visit to our local Dunkin Donuts to pick up an order of Munchkins. The only problem is we don't like the term "munchkins," it sounds way to much like our Grandma's maiden name. Instead we thought we would call them what they really are...holes. I like the chocolate holes and Office Doll (that's our other sister) likes the powdered ones. "We would like some holes please." The helpful employee began tossing the holes into the sack and I stopped him, "I don't want her holes touching my holes, they're dusty. May we have the holes in separate bags please?" Office Knight chimes in "Who has dusty holes?" I reply, "Office Doll has dusty holes, I don't want them touching mine, I don't like the dust." At this point I see these bright eyes under his Dunkin Donuts' visor dashing around with glee accompanied by a smirk. This man thinks that the double entendre is an accident. His equally pleased colleague is using his peripheral vision equally well to communicate the humor of this absurd dialogue. Finally an innocent bystander chimes in, "You guys are bad. It's Sunday." Sawree lame-o Innocent Bystander. If you're so Holy (tee hee) then what are you doing at Dunkin Donuts. Shouldn't you be sitting in a pew somewhere boring someone else. This post is dedicated to Katrine. The best Dunkin Donuts employee ever. She knows how many Equals I take depending on the size of my beverage. She doesn't work Sundays. We would never do that to Katrine.

Office Raider Has Been Fooled

Office Raider has been urgently forwarding this email (below) around to try and find this missing chick. I am far more advanced than Office Raider so I googled this and discovered that of course, it's a hoax. Office Raider is mortified. She even forwarded it to our 90 year-old grandparents who are undoubtedly now praying for this girl's safe recovery.

The email...

Help Find Ashley Flores

Maybe if everyone passes this on, someone will see this child. That is how the girl from Stevens Point was found by circulationof her picture on tv. The internet circulates even overseas, South America , and Canada etc. Thanks. Please pass this to everyone in your address book. We have a Deli manager from Philadelphia , Pa who has a 13 year old daughter who has been missing for 2 weeks. Keep the picture moving on. With luck on her side she will be found.

"I am asking you all, begging you to please forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE. My 13 year old girl, Ashley Flores, is missing. She has been missing for now two weeks. It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone anywhere knows anything, please contact me at: HelpfindAshleyFlores@yahoo.com. I am including a picture of her. All prayers are appreciated!!It only takes 2 seconds to forward this. If it was your child, you would want all the help you could get."

Not Ready to Make Nice

The Office Tan household finally got a subscription to Netflix so I promptly ordered "Shut Up and Sing", the Dixie Chicks Documentary which is all about the drama that broke out when the the Dixie Chicks criticized President Bush and the Iraq war. Of course, legions of hicks were behind the whole mess. Anyway, the film ROCKS as do the Dixie Chicks. In case you don't know already, the controversy inspired the song "Not Ready to Make Nice." Check out the video. I'm really lousy at seeing symbolism but I think all of those shadows represent the corruption of oil and the darkness of evil. Yeah, deep and smart thoughts. Oh and by accident, after seeing the film, I developed a crush on Natalie Maines, the lead singer. I convinced myself that maybe she was gay and therefore I might have a chance. But since she has a husband and "Natalie Maines + lesbian" turns up nothing relevant on google, I'm out of luck this time.


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Breaking News: Don't Fly First Class

There has been so much news around air travel lately, even here at Officetan. A lot of the controversy has surrounded poor customer service, like people sitting on the runway for eight hours. Also it seems that whenever there is a forecast of even one snowflake falling, the airlines cancel all their flights. However, I'm not gonna take umbrage with that because I would much rather sit on the runway for hundreds of hours rather than go plummeting to my death because some ambitious pilot thought he could hack unfavorable flying conditions. By the way, I know the pilots don't make these decisions but I don't know the name of the airline personnel that does so whatever.

Anyway, now for the real news. Whenever I feel that my life isn't furnishing good blog material I go to a reliable news source that never ceases to provide fodder for my rant fire...Yahoo Odd News. Regular news is for the birds. We've touched on this several times. For example, why did I need to see a clip of a 100 year-old woman getting clocked like 300 times? It's upsetting enough as it is. Think about it: if you kept bringing up something really horrendous that happened at work over and over and over again you'd probably earn yourself some kind of stern verbal warning like the following:

"Hey Stan, I think that's just about enough, we need to get past this, you're really bringing down the 'team's' morale" (Stan is such an office-y name). Soooo.... why is this tolerated at the news' office?

Moving right along, here's what I found on Odd News that I thought needed a quick officetan review:

Paul Trinder, 54, said cabin crew moved the body of the elderly woman from the economy section where she had died after take-off, the Mirror and Sun tabloids said.
"The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor," Trinder, a businessman, was quoted as saying. "It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows."
The woman's daughter was also upgraded and spent the rest of the nine-hour flight from Delhi to London grieving next to her dead mother, the Sun reported.

My Important Commentary: What the hell? There is like 10 million things wrong with this situation. First of all, doesn't someone dying merit an emergency landing? And who's brilliant idea was it to "upgrade" this passenger to first class? Not to mention that the use of the word upgrade in this context is entirely inappropriate. I guess, for now, the next time you're offered an upgrade to first class, you might want to think twice since they seem to only offer free upgrades to people that are either really, really pissed off or dead. Oh, but the seats are a lot bigger.

I Don't Know

For some unknown reason I became really enthusiastic about St. Patrick's day. I kinda accidentally celebrated beyond what was probably necessary to acknowledge this holiday that I know nothing about. One of my finer moments of the evening was interrupting some foolish male in the middle of his gratuitous monologue to ask him why everyone was wearing green, he didn't feel so sharp after that. You know what...I'm gonna stop. I'm not feeling so hot, guys. Sorry.

It's Only a Matter of Time: The Progression of Airport Security

Airport security has been a hot topic now for about 6 years, for obvious reasons. For years they thought metal detectors sufficed and they were wrong. Then they added the patting down of (aka molesting) a "random" selection of people. Now you have to take off your shoes, which really makes a lot of people that fancy themselves as really sophisticated and serious look, well, not so sophisticated or serious. Not to mention that some of us have feet that are not a fair representation of the rest of their grandeur. In my case, I have feet that look like they belong to a four year old, I'm not even joking a little. Then there was the liquid explosives debacle. This has led to all sorts of inconveniences. Because of the new policy, you are only allowed like 3 ounces of any liquid in your carry on luggage...this gave rise to a concept that the office sisters created on our last trip...the "liquid" bag. The liquid bag was a duffel bag, headed for cargo, that contained all the potentially incriminating liquids. Some of the dubious serums that were transported included about 10 different strengths of sunscreen, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and so on.

So... at this point, airport security has us waddling around without our shoes on, guzzling water in the security line, paying for overpriced bottled water once you've cleared security, tedious liquid packing guidelines, therefore this begs the question, what's next? Do you guys realize how screwed we are if someone tries to hi-jack a plane with a bra or underwear bomb? Yup.

"Attention travellers, please have your photo ID ready and remove all of your clothes." Gross.

Attention Annoying Gross People: YOU COULD BE A SERIOUS RISK TO YOUR OWN HEALTH AND OVERALL WELL BEING

okay, office raider is totally right, eyewitness news is so damn ratty. in the background i just overheard the following, "late breaking news"...

"Attention.: IF your doctor doesn't like you...he may not be paying attention to you when you're talking, and that could lead to misdiagnosis or failure to diagnose, which could seriously jeopardize your health!"

Translation: if you are gross and annoying, yes even your doctor will ignore you.

As a lawyer, I also recommend a news alert to that same population of gross annoying people, because they are probably also receiving inferior legal representation because their lawyers are ignoring them for the same reasons. Probably applies to the financial industry as well.

I think the solution here is quite simple. Don't be f'in gross and annoying and people won't ignore you. You will get your settlement, be properly diagnosed, and won't lose your nest egg in some junk bond investment accident.

Ohhh Mannnnn...

Why do these guys always look like they've been dragged out of their bear caves half way through hibernation season?

Something Really Annoying Has Happened

Ok team. So General Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (aka Queen Bee of the military) announced this week that he thinks that homosexuality is immoral. No surprise. Military leaders are often kind of hick.

But what was really annoying is that Hillary Clinton, when asked if she agreed with these comments, answered that this would be for "others to conclude."

Um who?

More importantly, did I or did I not see Hillary at a gala for a gay organization this past Monday bragging up and down about her support for the community.

Here's the bottom line. I, Office Knight, am absolutely tired of politicians who try so hard to appease that whole bigot brigade so that they can have their votes. The bigots are the immoral people. They are the ones who want to maroon gay people on an island (party!!!) and then poison the tofu supply--knowing full well that an entire generation of lesbians would be wiped out if they succeeded. Ok, maybe there's no tofu plot but the island part is true.

Saint Anthony Pays a Visit to JFK Airport

The Office Clan is back from our Florida adventure--not rested but sorta tan. I would be more tan but Office Doll sprayed SPF 50 lotion all over me while convincing me that I would still turn that fancy shade of bronze that I desperately desired. Not so. I might as well have been wearing a snow suit.

Other highlights include the hotel manager coming to our door because someone complained that we were "singing". As usual, our lives closely mirror that of a 6th grader's as in, we still get yelled at by adults constantly. Not only were we not singing--but we thought that the old "this is the management" claim was a cheap line to break into our room and kill us. Consequently, we barked profanities at the door for a few moments before we finally realized that, in fact, we were yelling at the hotel manager.

And finally, for the second trip in a row, Office Doll's damn red rolling suitcase failed to show up at baggage claim. And just like the last time, we all quickly converted to Catholicism and prayed to Saint Anthony for it's safe return. Boy, that Saint Anthony is good. By the next day, he had Office Doll's red bag in a green pick-up truck en route to her apartment.

Over and out.

-Office E. Knight

Movin' on Up...to the West Side

I want to take this moment to thank our wonderful officetan readers for their readership and comments. It really makes the Office Clan's day. If there was no one to read officetan than we wouldn't have been inspired to scan the crap that was on our refrigerator to show the world wide web that we've decided to try to become fancier adults. Fancy adults don't put things that only they find funny on their refrigerator. In fact, super fancy adults probably don't put anything on their fridge. However, during the front-of-the-fridge reform we realized that there were a lot more areas that needed improvement. How about the soap dish in the shower? I'm not talking one that we put in there, I'm talking the permanent one that looks like some kind of ectopic pregnancy of the wall made of tub material, it fell off the wall for no reason and shattered in the tub, late at night no less. Why do things always have to fall or break in the middle of the night? Is it imperative that not only must one suffer the loss of an item that has lost it's function but also have the shi% scared out of them? And it doesn't stop with the soap dish. One time Office Knight's floor swelled up. Yes, it swelled, to a point, a point that would make it IMPOSSIBLE to have a platonic friend over on the aerobed. Every summer, our air conditioner doesn't really work, it will either do nothing, shoot out cold clammy air or breathe gross hot breath all over us in the already sweltering NYC summer heat. Not to mention, that running our air conditioner was like using our checking accounts as a disposable hand fan. Blunder after blunder it started to become clear that this was not about the refrigerator, the floors, the bathroom, it was the apartment. So we decided to move. We're moving. The Officetan Headquarters is moving to the West Side. Thank you all for helping us come to this important realization.

BREAKING NEWS: Being Prude is Extremely Important

Is everyone sitting down? I just heard the most RIDICULOUS nonsense on Eyewitness News. I know I'm not supposed to watch Eyewitness news because it's corny and is always freaking out all the dumb people. However, I wasn't really watching it, it was on in the background so when I heard the term "Purity Ball" come bouncing out of Sade Baderinwa's mouth I was all ears, and not in a good way.

What is a Purity Ball, you ask? It's like a freakin' prom/wedding where daughters make a vow to their dad that they will remain "pure" until they're married. Some of it's "traditions" include those very similar to a wedding including a father/daughter dance, a white dress, and a cake...I'm not sure if Daddy and lil' Suzy are feeding each other the cake though...can we say, "CREEPY!" enough? And lame! And waaaayyyy hypocritical! Why in the world would someone pledge their virginity to the sluttiest people around (aka men)? Furthermore, I see no one really gives a damn if their adolescent son goes out and gets laid a billion times, which leads me to my next question. If the sons are not pledging their virginity, then they're free to roam the ass trail. Now, if all the daughters' flowers are locked up in their weirdo dad's humidor or something then who is left for the sons to bang? You guessed it! The married women! So I hope the dads don't get pissed when their neighbor's son is getting more than a cup of sugar from their wife.

Lastly, is this really all today's daughters have to pledge? How about throwing a "Don't be Completely Useless" Ball where daughters promise their dads that they will try to do well in school and discover a satisfying (and hopefully lucrative) career so that they can be independent and not make awful husband choices because they can't support themselves. Perhaps that would be a little more worthy of celebrating.

Oh! And here's the kicker, in stride with the government programs that fund promoting abstinence, many of these "Purity" Balls have been subsidized with federal funding. I swear, if I find out that even a single one of these Purity Ball Queen's hymen has gone missing, I'm asking for some kind of repayment of my precious tax dollars!

Our Path to Adulthood--Part 2

As part of honing my domestic qualities, I do my own laundry. There are a couple of washers and dryers in my building so it's pretty convenient. About 2 months ago, when I went to dry my freshly laundered clothes, I noticed a tattered ratty skirt that had been left in the dryer that I wanted to use. It was so raggy that I took the tips of my thumb and forefinger, clasped them around the very edge of the skirt so as to touch as few skirt molecules as possible and gingerly placed it on top of the dryer for the owner to claim. Later that evening, I collected my now dried laundry, glanced again at the junkyard skirt and concluded yet another laundry adventure.

Meanwhile, the skirt-owner's laundry journey had obviously gone terribly wrong. 2 days later, my building was wall-papered with signs with frantic messages from the skirt-owner pleading for info on her missing lawn mowed-skirt. Like a good samaritan, I left her a message with all of the clues that I had. But apparently, my clues were not enough because this sign (below) was later slipped under each building unit's door.

Office Raider and I liked it so much that we saved it on our refrigerator. But now that we're trying to become adults, we're throwing away the original sign and archiving the scanned version on our blog.

Our Path to Adulthood: A Series

First off, on behalf of the Office Clan, I would like to issue my deepest apologies for the lack of new content last week, but it totally wasn't our fault. Blogger was like peer pressuring us to create some google account and it was confusing everyone, so we just didn't post. Also, Office Knight and I, as well as our sister, Office Doll are going away this week to try to abolish our office tans so we will be really busy packing and preparing for our journey. In the meantime, the latest initiative in the Office Clan household is to try to be more "adult." This includes telling people the truth and not making excuses for stuff that's none of anyone's business. For example, if you don't show up to a function, business or social, that you were "supposed" to be at you don't make up some big song and dance about how you got locked out, twisted your ankle climbing in the window and then lost your shoe in the air shaft, rather you just say, "Hey, sorry about the other night, I wasn't able to make it." It's all in the delivery, but really no one ever questions it. Another step to our adulthood is to try to de-junktify our digs. Our first task is to take down all the visual chaos covering our refrigerator. Now these items would not be proudly displayed like it was our first born's precious finger paintings if we didn't cherish them deeply so we're going to archive them right here. Our first piece. Making fun of national leadership...
take a close look, spot the confused person:

Breaking News: Sororities really do BLOW

Unfortunately I must take a break from the zany, day-brightening humor that I prefer to turn out to the millions (or 50) faithful readers of Officetan to rub my forefingers together and say "SHAME!" Shame on sororities! Apparently one of the Sorority's National Office/Chapter/Bitch Headquarters (whatever it's called) relieved 23 "sisters" from their sisterly duties at Delta Z for lack of commitment to demonstrating the values of the sorority (these aren't the exact words). Coincidently, these 23 "sisters" included those that were not-so-slender as well as the only black, Korean and one other non-white member in the ENTIRE sorority. Somebody pinch me, what year is it again? Thank goodness they got rid of these hooligans so that the others can continue to focus on coiffing their hair, growing their shoe collection, analyzing their one-night stands and counting their calories in peace. Oh! And we musn't forget that these are all very difficult things to do when you're trying to masquerade such important activities as community service. I know I'm stereotyping, I'm really not interested in being the "bigger" person here (we know how they feel about big people anyway). Many decent ladies have joined sororities just as a way to meet people. Let's not exercise such foolish logic any longer. Collectively (based on the behaviors of its leadership) these are hardly the type of people one needs to meet. Is it really that hard to come by a flock of friends at school that all enjoy getting dolled up, hooking up with undeserving boys, shopping and gossip? Probably not. And as an added bonus, if you find a group of friends on your own, it's completely free and there are no weigh-ins, essays, or ethnic background requirements. What a steal!

I Hope the Porn isn't Getting Old Yet

Hot and Bothered

Happy Monday! Even if you don't find this so humorous you may like to know that I had to walk around all day with boobs and balls on my fingers...

Media Analysis from Office Tan

Ok team, a couple of thoughts on the latest news coverage on Britney Spears…

#1 – If someone gets a haircut, it is not worthy of international news coverage EVER. If the media is short on stories, we at Office Tan have a few ideas. We try to think only happy thoughts here but we would like to remind the news outlets of a story that begins with “Dar” and ends with “Fur”. It is a lot more important than Britney’s beauty parlor accident.

#2 – The haircut actually looks kind of hot except that she’s got those alien ears. I don’t mind alien ears but Owfice Burn can’t stand them and won’t stop talking about them. Since I have the misfortune of being Owfice Burn’s best friend, I have had to endure endless commentary on why these ears are not as hot as other ears.

Would anyone mind taking a shift as a sounding board for Owfice Burn’s deep thoughts on attractive ear shapes?

Over and out,

Office Knight

Monday's Porn Offering

Monkey Love

CAUTION: DO NOT listen to this at your desk...there are some bad words (okay, it's all bad words) and we don't need anyone getting fired because of our blog...BUT I had to share this with you. Watch how someone's monkey baby totally cock blocks them by grabbing his cajones while the other monkey tries to get busy. With this kinda nonsense it's amazing there are any monkeys left.

Kicking Some Hijacker Ass

The Office Tan crew wishes that we had come up with such an awesome trick. We provide expert analysis where appropriate in the excerpted article below.

Bumpy landing foils plane hijacker
By Juan Manuel Pardellas, Associated Press Writer
Published: 17 February 2007
EXCERPTS

A quick-thinking pilot thwarted a gun-toting hijacker on a flight from Africa to Spain's Canary Islands by discreetly warning passengers he would brake hard upon landing, then speed up just as abruptly to knock the man off balance - and telling them to be ready to pounce, Spanish officials said yesterday.

The trick worked to perfection, with travelers and crew waiting until the hijacker was on the floor to douse him in the face and chest with boiling water from a coffee machine and beat him into submission.

The lone gunman brandishing two pistols hijacked the Air Mauritania Boeing 737, carrying 71 passengers and a crew of eight, shortly after it took off from the Mauritanian capital of Nouakchott for Gran Canaria, one of Spain's Canary Islands, with a stopover planned in Nouadhibou in northern Mauritania.

He wanted to divert the plane to France so that he could request political asylum, said Mohamed Ould Mohamed Cheikh, Mauritania's top police official.

Speaking to the gunman during the hijacking, the pilot realized the man did not understand French. So he used the plane's public address system to warn the passengers in French of the ploy he was going to try: slam on the brakes upon landing, then accelerate abruptly. The idea was to catch the hijacker off balance, and have crew members and men sitting in the front rows of the plane jump on him, the Spanish official said. (Office Tan would've wanted to be right there in the front row)

It worked. As the plane landed on Gran Canaria, the man was standing in the middle aisle when the pilot carried out his maneuver, and he fell to the floor, dropping one of his two 7mm pistols. Flight attendants then threw boiling water in his face and at his chest (THAT ROCKS!! The flight attendants rushed out with their coffee pot weapons!), and some 10 people jumped on the man and beat him, the Spanish official said.

"We were afraid. We thought it was people from al-Qaida or the Algerian GSPC who were going to cut our throats," said Aicha Mint Sidi, a 45-year-old woman who was on the plane. The GSPC is a Muslim extremist group. (Nah, he was just some idiot who wanted a free ride to France)

The hijacker was arrested by Spanish police who boarded the plane after it landed at Gando airport, outside Las Palmas. (How embarassing for him. He was probably all disheveled from his little squabble with all the people in the front row.)

The Day That Friendster Ruined Our Lives

I remember when I first heard about friendster.com. It seemed like a boring concept to me—that I could make up a personal profile complete with photos, a list of my hobbies etc and then my friends could link to me. Why would I need such a service when I had email for keeping in touch. But then it became kind of fun—if you had 30 first degree friends, you might have 2000 second degree friends and a zillion third degree friends. That seemed sort of interesting so I kept my profile.

As the months went by, Friendster hit the big time and it seemed that you could find almost anyone on Friendster. A quick search could yield long lost childhood friends, distant relatives and once in awhile you might even get a decent date out of it. Then of course, there were the other uses for Friendster that were rarely spoken of. You could secretly examine an ex’s profile for clues to her new life. Did she look happy in her photos? So soon, you might wonder. Did she have flirty testimonials from new people? Who the hell were they? Did she…lord forbid…suddenly change her status to “in a relationship”?

Or maybe there were people out there who had absolutely enchanted you in your one brief encounter. They too could be tracked. What kind of movies did they like, how old were they, did they like ice skating and eating celery with raisins just like you? Were they even single? Yep, you could check that through good old Friendster. And check and check and check, we did.

And then one day the world came crashing down.

Owfice Burn sent me a text message that said, “Friendster emergency.”

“Owfice Burn,” I said when I called her. “What is it?”

“On Friendster now, you can see who has been looking at your profile which means that all of the people you’ve been looking at can see what you’ve been doing.”

“Not funny,” I told her.

And so she urged me to log on to Friendster and sure enough, I could see a row of images of people who had been looking at me. That’s when I began to scream.

And as we called our friends, this scenario repeated itself. “Not funny,” they would say and then upon seeing the proof, they too would begin screaming. And soon enough, we were all screaming—all over the five boroughs, New York State, the Northeast, the South, Midwest and West Coast—we...were...howling. Our stalking, lurking, impulsive, compulsive searching ways were on naked display for our most sacred and secret loves to see.

We had been ruined.

And to this day, when I even hint at that awful day when we were shamed in the eyes of our unrequited loves, the response is always universal.

Said one woman, “Ah yes, it was the shot heard round the world.”

Said another who had gathered that night at Brooklyn bar Cattyshack to hold vigil, “It was like mayhem at Catty because everyone was stressed about eventually running into the randoms they’d been stalking.”

And all Office Tan can do at this point is file a class action lawsuit on behalf of all of us for pain and suffering and of course, the astronomical costs of hiring a search firm to help locate our collective missing dignity.

An Untimely Demise

She barely stood a chance, as she slipped through Office Knight's drunken fingers and struck the ground at about 4:00a.m. Ms. Slice-a-Pisa was brought into our world as quickly as she left it.

Donatella Versace Is in Big Trouble with Office Tan

U.S. presidential candidate Hillary Clinton should tap into her feminine side and wear dresses and skirts instead of trousers, fashion designer Donatella Versace was quoted as saying on Thursday.

At Office Tan, we believe in a woman’s right to choose her own style and further, we abhor that powerful women are routinely judged by their appearances while powerful men are free to look as butt as they want.

In response to Ms. Versace’s ignorant and old-fashioned sentiment, we could take the high road and publish an Office Tan academic paper on Donatella Versace’s role in the oppression of women. However, we prefer the low road and would like to make a few shallow judgments of our own. Let's begin.

Office Tan on Donatella Versace
In addition to her awful opinions, it appears that she is named after an adolescent Mutant Ninja Turtle. I suppose it’s fine to have a name that closely resembles that of a green cartoon character, however, if I were to find out that a cartoon turtle, sponge, rabbit, mouse etc was named Office Knight, I would quickly run to the courthouse and have my name changed to something more important sounding like Charlene. Charlene is an excellent name--much better than Donatella.


Office Tan on Dennis Hastert, Republican Congressman from Illinois, former Speaker of the House
Bottom line, he looks like his nutritional regimen consists of 6 kegs per day. If I were an image consultant and a reporter asked me to comment on Dennis Hastert’s appearance, I would eloquently say, “Red ties work best for him and he should stop looking so heart attack-y.”


Office Tan on Dick Cheney, Master of Darkness and Vice President of the United States
On the subject of heart attacks, I would say, “He needs to stop having so many damn heart attacks.” During the 2000 elections, Dick Cheney had to miss half the events because he kept having all of those heart attacks. And honestly, it’s just kind of embarrassing to have a heart attack twice a week. For lord's sake, stop eating bacon or donuts or whatever it is that is causing these problems! And yes, I know it’s not nice to make fun of people who have heart attacks, but Dick Cheney sort of deserves it after his leadership mishaps and his insistence on ruining everything.


Office Tan on Orrin Hatch, Republican Senator from Utah
Orrin Hatch was one of the ring leaders of Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings. And yes, we were all disappointed in Bill’s “critical lapse in judgment”. (Actually, we didn't really care) But Chris Rock said it best when he pointed out that some men are only as faithful as their options and, “Ain’t nobody trying to bl*w Orrin Hatch.” Exactly.

Desperately Seeking zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs

In our pursuit of producing this award winning blog, we, the writers of Office Tan have not been sleeping enough. As a result, we have each made some unfortunate blunders. In no particular order...

Office Raider had just picked up a pair of her spikey bouffant heels from the shoe hospital when she accidentally threw them away during a routine disposal of her car garbage. May Office Raider's stilettos rest in peace.

I was walking to my favorite bagel store when I noticed Maggie Moo, the ice cream cow, standing in front of her namesake ice cream parlour. As I passed, I heard myself say to her, "Oh hey Maggie," like we're just cordial neighbor friends.

I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing that Owfice Burn has made a bunch of mistakes in these past few days. Owfice Burn makes lots of mistakes whether she gets plenty of sleep or not.

I accidentally brushed my teeth with Office Raider's free purple toothbrush that she got from her dentist. Because I am an outstanding sister, I promptly replaced her tusk scrubber with a brand new Duane Reade toothbrush.

Beyond these slip-ups, I've noticed that the intellectual quality of my conversations has deteriorated significantly. For instance, Owfice Burn managed to engage me in a heated debate over whether or not a hook is useful if one should suddenly lose one's hand. We finally were able to agree that a hook would be useful for picking up one's drycleaning. Beyond that, Owfice Burn declared that using a hook instead of a prosthetic hand is "so 1800's".

Dude, It's not your Musk

Since Valentines Day is approaching I thought we could explore some topics pertaining to love and relations, besides our porn posts. This post was inspired by a normally unwelcomed pop-up that caught my eye. It was an ad for some kind of synthetic pheromone product that boasts, "It Really Works!" I would hope that if you have escalated your "I-can't-get-ass" troubleshooting to pheromone therapy that you've exhausted all other dating resources such as:

Personal ads

Blind dates

Double-blind dates (this is when you're meeting someone that your friend found for you through another friend, in which case you're friend doesn't know either if this person is icky)

Find love sites like match & e-harmony

Find sex sites, masquerading as "networking" or "friends" sites such as Myspace and Craigslist

Dating someone you know you're not attracted to in hopes that maybe you'll change your mind

Getting a sense of someone's workout schedule and conveniently start working out the same body parts, at the same time as your crush...this one is so foolish, I've seen it. A classic is when someone goes from something like quads to triceps and then conveniently on to the kickboxing class that they you're joining

Dippin' into the co-worker pool

Meeting someone entirely disastrous "on paper" at a club and trying to get them to hang out with you during daylight hours without drugs or alcohol

Joining various hobby workshops in hopes that maybe some hot people also decided to take up pottery or cooking

Digging up an ex in hopes that "maybe things will be different"

Dating someone who's birth year started with the following numbers: 195, 196 when yours is 198 something

and finally...

Letting your parents set you up

Perhaps at this point you can justify resorting to such a ridiculous concept. I feel a need to highlight that if one truly believes that maybe all these methods failed because everyone just didn't dig their scent don't you think that maybe this person is just really lame? In which case, SHAME! Shame on the fake-pheromone makers for praying on the lame, I'm disgusted!

and then the lord delivered onto us a most ridiculous woman...

OFFICE KNIGHT
turns twenty nine...

here's to that last year.
that last year to...

"crash" at anybody's "pad",
have any furniture involving cinder blocks,
have any decorations involving non framed posters or tapestries
be on your parents cell phone family plan
have a name like "Katie" instead of the more grown-up "Kate" (special thanks to Tom Cruise for calling this to our attention)
have a jacked up myspace profile with photos of absurd escapades
crumple up parking tickets in hopes of city-wide computer malfunction
"roll out of bed" and run down the street with disheveled hair to avoid being late to one's place of employment
call anyone "dude"
get yelled at by "adults"

Office Tan Uncovers the Truth

Office Raider told me that she wants to go camping to uncover her inner-explorer so I have been assigned the task of finding an exciting trip for us to go on. Upon searching for a camping adventure, I came across a hiking club that takes trips throughout the tri-state area. It seemed like a good match so I began reading through the site when I came across the page on “trip preparation.” I thought it was going to list a bunch of gear that we’d have to buy but instead it had a whole section about how you have to stretch before you hike and train really hard in advance to have superior fitness.

Is hiking really that hard especially in the towering mountains of New Jersey? Isn’t hiking just glorified walking? If you’re out “hiking” and you suddenly cannot put one foot in front of the other, as is done in traditional walking, sit the hell down until you can again. Repeat these steps until you’re back at your car.

Upon learning that hiking was being embellished as an act of major endurance, we at Office Tan decided to uncover other activities that sound a lot fancier than they really are. The list includes…

“Presenting” at a meeting. Whenever anyone tells me they had to present at work, I imagine that they had to stand in front of a packed auditorium while waving a wand at some really smart equations. “Presenting” at work is actually just sitting in your chair and reading a sentence about what you’ve been doing every day for the last week.

Battling flames as a wildland firefighter is actually just banging large gardening tools around while foliage sizzles nearby.

If you are Owfice Burn, “lunging” at someone who you are very angry with is actually saying your sweetest hello and then engaging in enthusiastic and friendly conversation.

An Office Technology Solutions Specialist, Office Raider’s former profession, is actually a Copier Salesperson (Office Raider preferred the former title when describing her vocation to male suitors).

“Networking” is eating lots of dinners and having lots of drinks while cackling your head off in the presence of others who might someday help you get a new job, contract etc.

Eating at a “fancy” restaurant when one is not in a large urban area is dining at Olive Garden.

Being sooo “busy” when one is 87 years-old is rushing to and fro one’s bible study group, mowing one’s lawn over and over again and baking mushroom casseroles. We know this from observing the Office Tan grandparents.

Playing rugby equals legally mugging people (JUST KIDDING!!) Playing rugby is precision, finesse, endurance and strength and it is only performed by fabulous people.

Being a “Producer” in Los Angeles is ordering lunch and some chairs for your friend’s cheap-o 10 minute film.

Speaking of LA, being a production assistant in Los Angeles is having to make pool water wiggle for a film scene. That was my extremely important job when I lived there. And I made zero dollars per day while doing this which equates to zero dollars per hour and exactly zero dollars per minute. It was lucrative.

ALERT: Effective Coping Strategy

I know I slacked a little on my ingenious posts this week, but this week really kinda sucked. That's a bit dramatic, because there was nothing really wrong with it except for I was extremely busy, gawd fah-bid. So anyway, as I was busy whoa-as-me-ing I thought of some other creatures who have it WAAAAAAAAAYYY worse. For example, what if I were a bee? Bees have a really rediculous existence, courted for their vomit, they live in a weird flaky thing that hangs in a tree. The end of their life is often prompted by an out of control temper that compells them to poke someone which ultimately kills them. What about if I were a skunk? That's another unfortunate creature. Imagine if you had a juvenile deliquent's hair style at all times and your only conflict resolution strategy is to make other things stink. How about a roach? Everyone hates you and your entrance into a room is usually followed by frantic screams and often your last breath is taken while watching a Ked come down on your back (who wears Keds?). Being a turtle doesn't sound so hot either. Everyone seems to be obsessed with the fact that you're really slow and when you get scared your only recourse is to stick your head inside your weird permanent outfit. I think everyone's got the idea.

hey, i can dream can't i?

lately, my brother and i (we'll call him 'office butterfly' because he's a nature boy and..well, because it sounds funny)

soooo, lately office butterfly and i have been scheming of ways to 'get rich' (my idea) and 'save the planet' (his idea). we have been brainstorming, trying to merge the two in to an eco-friendly empire....a composting empire...a recycling empire..a green architecture empire. (my eyes are lighting up with each mention of the word empire..) then office butterfly comes up with the best idea yet... drum roll... A LLAMA FARM EMPIRE! (now you better not steal our damn idea becaws i'm an attorney and yes i will litigate you! i just love using litigate as a verb..)

so moving along..we decide YES to a llama empire and start our research immediately. we'll have a little farm in upper westchester, sell the wool and milk them or something. it's gonna be verrry lucrative and i can already tell you are extremely jealous. so we decide to tell our dad about the idea. he loves being involved just so that he can act annoyed like its the 80's and say stuff like, "i'm not gettin you a damn llama! i got you that dawg murphy and have neva once seen you walk huh. fug-et it!" so, in usual form my dad says, "well who the hell is gonna pick up afta it?" I'm like, office Butterfly said he would!! I 'll help too!" Mind you, office butterfly and i are like in our damn 30's...

well, next thing i know.. we catch my dad googling llamas! and he is outraged at their price "$15 GRAND for a damn llama! Fug-et it!" But then i mention that Office Knight/ Raider's dad (who's office is a zoo..yes you heard me!)could hook us up with a llama or two at a very low price. He LOVES a bargain...and perks up saying, "yeahh..like how much? would he take say $500 bucks?" ...now this seems to have turned into a used car sale negotiation. a situation in which my dad always prides himself on "gettin' a good deal."

So i think i am going to see how far this goes.. and maybe next week i'll be blogging about my glamerous and lucrative career as a llama farmer!

-owfice burn

The Office Escape Scholarship

Have we mentioned that Office Tan has a special rescue fund for office workers who are trapped in an environment with idiot-gross colleagues? The fund pays for the recipient's salary so that he or she can run far far away from the oppressive (or just gross) place of employment.

Our first recipient is our dear friend Sporty Finance Woman. She became eligible for the award last week when her colleagues launched a Chicken Mcnugget eating contest upon learning that the greasy poultry fritters had made it to the 99 cents menu. One ambitious colleague hastily assembled a $50 grand prize while another called the McDonald's manager to pre-order 200 nuggets.

We cannot and will not let Sporty Finance Woman rot in this fraternity house that masquerades as an esteemed financial company. (We have important principles at Office Tan).

With that, we present Sporty Finance Woman with lots of money so that she may escape to her new life where no one will think that eating frozen chicken scraps is a noteworthy achievement.

Back by Popular Demand

Here's some more damn porn.





Happy Monday...perves

Not Very Earth-Shattering Observations

This week was really kind of uneventful except for watching a client go from totally sober to completely shi% faced in about a martini and half. This would have been fine if we were in the meatpacking district or something but we were in a restaurant frequented only by the wealthy, 75+ group in one of NYC's least trendy neighborhoods. As I looked around the restaurant, while keeping one eye on my tipsy table companion, I noticed some really ridiculous outfits that I could tell were these people's idea of "really fancy." There are a few articles of clothing that I'd like to review. For starters, what is up with the excessive use of hot-pad, fresh-off the sheep wool for making blazers? What ever happened to garbadine or other finer "spun" wool varieties? Do retailers specializing in geriatric fashion not offer their patrons any other kind of blazer? And must it be dyed fire-engine red with gold buttons that don't end until they're practically in the poor woman's mouth? I also noticed by the coat check some elderly males making a big song and dance about where their hat was being placed in the coat closet. I've seen this before. Is the expensive hat that cannot, under any circumstances, be stuffed into a sleeve the "I Have Arrived" article for the old dude? Maybe it's kinda like the obscenely priced watch for the young wall street-er after their first big bonus. Speaking of over-dressing for mundane activities, now-a-days if you see someone dressed up on the plane you know that person is expecting some nookie on the other end.

Melissa Ferrick, Drive, Michfest 2006

Check out the sign language lady.

What the Girl Scouts did to me

Last year I bought a subscription to US Weekly from the Girl Scouts. Well, not directly from a real girl scout, but a girl scout's mom who happens to be a receptionist in one of the offices I frequent. I have to say that when it ceased to show up every week I missed it a little. Now I satisfy my need to read useless prose on numerous celebrity gossip blogs. However, one thing that I do not miss at all is the section called "Stars, They're just like US" where they have pictures of famous douche bags buying broccoli with stupid captions like "Even Paris Hilton needs a little green in her diet." Of course she does! Is this supposed to be breaking news to the American public that even celebrities may have the same nutritional requirements as us "common folk?" What about how easy it is to shock the public? For example, when Madonna and Britney Spears (and Christina, too, but no one really cared) made out at the Video Music Awards. The ENTIRE world stopped to process this display. Did people think that while they were performing they discovered their undying lust for each other and couldn't hold off any longer? STOP FALLING FOR THIS NONSENSE. It was PLANNED folks. It's just too easy. But I can't talk... I almost kicked someone's ass in a Duane Reade last week over a magazine with the scoop on the latest celebrity cellulite sighting.

Owfice Burn's Nighttime Entertainment

Owfice Burn spent her entire evening watching this on repeat.

ya right, being a kid totally blew

i was "working" from home today. aka..lounging around and sleeping well into the late morning, while responding to e-mails periodically throughout the day to appear busy.

i come to realize that i am the f'in nosiest neighbor ever. while “working” (translation: reading the inside of my eye lids) i hear a commotion outside. i live across from an elementry school park. i peer out my window to discover a large group of unruly ten year olds beating the crap out of one kid. my first reaction was to charge outside and bust up the fight in a really dramatic and heroic fashion. office knight has taught me about seizing such moments for heroic displays. then i thought...nahhh and i decided to do the nosy neighbor thing and rat the kids out to the cops. so i call 911 and report a fight on the playground. 5 seconds after i called the kids were back to playing tag or whatever lame-o games kids play. now the park is crawling with police officers. oops!

looking out at those kids made me recall how much i f'in hated recess when it was frigidly cold out, never mind having to deal with getting the shit kicked out of you. my friend jen recalled a popular winter recess game…it was called 'stay warm' and involved kids huddling around each other on the playground trying to stay warm and rotating so eveyone got to experience the warmth of the center spot. This went on for about an hour, until the adults agreed to let us back in the damn building. this got me thinking that office raider is totally onto something... childhood blew.

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Selective Memory

In a conversation the other day this person announced, "OH! To be a kid again!" And continued to elaborate about how much he wished he was still a kid. Shortly after I realized this person is out of his mind. Why the hell would you want to be a kid again?! I mean seriously. So for all of you weirdo Peter Pan's out there I'm going to ask that you consider the following top reasons as to why being a kid wasn't so grand:

10) You couldn't drive...Which led to all sorts of nonsense like wanting be dropped off a few blocks from your destination to avoid having to hug your parent or grandparent or whoever in front of all your peers.

9) You were broke. I don't care how much babysitting you were doing, you were still broke. Not to mention that every young adult has committed tax evasion.

8) There was a universal rule that you had to respect your "elders." Then you come to find out that adults are just older idiots that are allowed to disrespect anyone as freely as they please.

7) Your wardrobe had to reflect your parents' vision of what a "nice" boy/girl looks like aka duds that will ensure that you'll never get laid.

6) You had to sit in a single room all day with 30 of your peers and one really moody, stressed out "grown-up." And if you did anything wrong it was announced to everyone. Elementary school seriously violates like 10 million HR rules.

5)You were always being forced into weird hobbies that you may have wanted no part of like calligraphy or the recorder or chorus.

4) You had to use your imagination. Yeah, that's not hypocritical or anything, when adults get bored they just go stand in a room and get drunk.

3) You always had to pay in cash and you usually got that cash from the world's most nosy "ATM." It's kinda like if your ATM made judgmental comments every time you went to get money, like "$200, wow that's a lot, you don't have much left, what are you spending it on? A few drinks and a taxi, that's crazy, you're not going."

2) Gross lunches. Why do people think that kids need dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, pizza, french fries and sour patch kids to survive. That just leads to some really not-so-hot adults.

1) You're in constant fear that at any moment someone is going to try to steal your ass by offering you candy or something. Was it really necessary that every frickin' assembly had to revolve around how to get out of a kidnapping catastrophe? Um...Kidnapping is actually not so common.

Now I must go back to my really important, independent life.

Field Trip Recap

Last week, Office Tan broke the big story that Owfice Burn and I were planning a field trip to a massage parlour in Chinatown. For those on the edge of their seats waiting for the recap, here it is…

First, I called the massage parlour to make an appointment and found that the phone line had been disconnected. I tried to tell myself that maybe they had forgotten to pay their phone bill. But let’s face it, I think that someone may have accidentally given an undercover NYPD officer a happy ending which may have resulted in the not-so happy ending of Best Chinese Qi-Gong Tuina Massage Parlour.

Owfice Burn and I did not give up on our field trip though as we knew that our Office Tan readers were counting on the riveting tales that would be born out of our massage adventure. With that, we found another cheap-o massage parlour on the Upper West Side called Magic Fingers. As you might guess, Magic Fingers is an upscale establishment similar to our former venue.

Owfice Burn and I drove to Magic Fingers and upon parking her vehicle, we realized that we would need approximately $500,000 in quarters to pay the parking meter since each quarter purchased approximately one nano-second of time. Fortunately, Owfice Burn and I are very wealthy so we went and exchanged $500,000 in cash for the equivalent quarters at a nearby drycleaner. Then we headed to the massage parlour.

The lovely staff at Magic Fingers quickly ushered Owfice Burn and I into a room with sheer curtains that served as partitions to our respective massage tables. As usual, Owfice Burn and I warned each other to not peek while we each undressed. I believe I may have seen Owfice Burn peek at me. But who can blame her for being drawn to my Cupid physique. Yes, I am shaped just like Cupid and I am proud of it. Oh and Owfice Burn thinks that I peeked at her but I didn’t.

To put it eloquently, my massage rocked. Owfice Burn’s massage rocked too. But at one point, Owfice Burn and I heard some loud breathing--not the creepy kind--just some weird breathing. We think it was either the heater or that one of our masseuses spontaneously caught Tuberculosis. Not sure. And that concludes another episode of an Office Tan field trip.

An Office Tale - Courtesy of Space Maverick

Space Maverick is one of my dearest friends from college and now works as a very important person in an astronomy laboratory office. I don’t know exactly what she does but I know that it involves very serious scientists, outerspace stuff and maybe even some alien colleagues. Space Maverick revealed this office tale in an exclusive interview with Office Tan…

“I was in a fancy and serious meeting and the CEO whipped out a marker to make some impromptu fancy graphs on the white board only it wasn't a whiteboard it was a $10,000 screen built into the wall for the overhead fancy projector. He drew all over it in red marker and I almost peed my pants. He never copped to knowing that he f-ed up, but how could he not know??? Classic.”

Have you witnessed something absurd at your office? Please send all submissions to Office God at OfficeGod21@hotmail.com Just joking. Who the hell uses hotmail anymore anyway.

Our Dog Died

 
Our happy Monday is not so happy anymore. Count Dogula was born in Tennessee in 1995 and then moved to New York to live with us. He enjoyed eating his food slowly, visiting his girlfriend Meggie in Upstate New York and acting weird around babies. He also liked to kick his legs when his belly was tickled. He really sucked at catching table scraps. "Count was really incredible at separating out the stale rice puffs that he didn't like from the good parts of his kibble. That was talent," said his sister Office Raider. He is survived by Office Knight, Office Raider, Office Parents, Office Older Sister and Office Giant Brother. A son, Rocky, lives in Nebraska. Another son, Morty lives in Pelham, NY. A wife, Lucy and son, Shoe passed away earlier. 

Office Knight's Slippers

Imagine having to wake up to that everyday. 

Kissing Lion

This is just too much! This Lion is such a Ham!

Dirty tricks

Today, in between thinking my usual profound thoughts, I suddenly thought of something that I read about Karl Rove, Bush's top aide and the bad man who masterminded Bush's stolen election in 2000 and re-election in 2004.

It's no secret that he's the queen bee of dirty tricks but this one is my absolute favorite:

"In the fall of 1970, Rove used a false identity to enter the campaign office of Democrat Alan J. Dixon, who was running for Illinois State Treasurer, and stole 1000 sheets of paper with campaign letterhead. Rove then printed fake campaign rally fliers promising 'free beer, free food, girls and a good time for nothing,'and distributed them at rock concerts and homeless shelters, with the effect of disrupting Dixon's rally (Dixon eventually won the election). This incident has been cited by many as the first of Rove's political dirty tricks." --Wikipedia

So basically, he tracked down the rattiest people he could think of (that includes those of us who frequent concerts. HEY!), incentivized them with all of their favorite little vices and sent them in the droves to this opponent guy's rally.

This reminds me of a similar situation that Office Raider had with a disgruntled ex. In his fury, he posted an ad on Craigslist for a blockbuster sale on trumpets and then listed Office Raider's phone number as the contact. For the next few days, Office Raider had to field a barrage of calls from eager trumpet purchasers.

Oh and check out Rove's picture. I love that he's trying to look kind of intense and important.

Another Field Trip

At Office Tan, we strive to bring you fascinating stories based on the real lives of the Office Crew. As a result, Owfice Burn and I have scheduled another visit to a Chinatown massage parlour. Dear readers, do you recall the last trip? No, not the one where I, Office Knight may have heard someone get a happy ending (that was a different place). Far more riveting was the journey in which Owfice Burn got her massage and exited the parlour in her most zen and peaceful state. Moments later, she sped away in her car and rear-ended a cab full of Texas tourists. (Yes, their big Texas hair swiveled around to look at us). Of course accidents happen but Owfice Burn then decided to scream at the cabbie as if she were a) not at fault and b) suddenly possessed by the evil spirit of nasty old Lizzie Grubman, the mean publicist who ran over a bunch of people at a Long Island Nightclub.

With a little luck, this trip will be just as eventful. Oh, and since Office Tan is a democratic blog, you can feel free to request field trips for the Office Crew to go on. We'll post them for a vote and the one with the most votes wins. However, if you send us to the Post Office at lunch time or the prescription counter at Duane Reade, we're going to be really mad.

Field Trip

Owfice Burn and I thought we’d take a break from our daily routine of being foolish to head over to the Brooklyn Museum’s Annie Liebovitz exhibit. We believed that a little culture would help us overcome our ongoing severe cases of jack-ass-ness. We arrived at the museum, neatly dressed in our grown-up people clothes to blend in with the other museum visitors, and joined the long snaking lines to see Liebovitz’s legendary photos. Moments later, our mature museum demeanors were shattered when we passed a Ron Mueck sculpture of the man featured in the posted photo. C’mon! Owfice Burn and I were trying our best to be sophisticated viewers of art only to be visually accosted by an oversized sculpture of a creepy dude with a furry chest and a not-so-good haircut. I know, I know. Maybe he wasn’t just a furry dude but was instead the sculpted symbol of uncertainty, loneliness and vulnerability that pervades the human condition. I told this to Owfice Burn and she thought that sounded really smart.
Finally, we made it to the Liebovitz exhibit which features the jubilant, heart-wrenching or revealing images that are her signature. However, Owfice Burn and I were miffed that Susan Sontag, Liebovitz’s long-time partner, was described in the exhibit introduction as Liebovitz’s friend. What staff fool had a momentary lapse of 1980’s-sytle homophobia and labeled Liebovitz’s multi-decade partner as a “friend”? Anyway, the exhibit chronicles Liebovitz personal and professional photos from 1990-2005 including the illness and subsequent death of Sontag in 2005. If you haven’t seen it, we highly recommend it.

Special Report: Tax Deductions

Happy New Year! This time of year is my favorite because not only do you see lots of people at the gym that you've never seen before but it's also tax season! Now is the time to start looking forward to your tax refunds! Office Knight and I have a tax deduction guide book whose thickness rivals that of a phonebook. It is important to note, however, that you can pay some dude roughly $200.00 to do all this for you and do a better job. This is the route I take but before I try to write things off that could get my ass tossed into a white collar, minimum security joint, I peruse the pages of this book and along the way I found some really ridiculous things.

Here's the the thing about rules and policies...They're usually an outgrowth of actions or questions that need not be repeated. Please keep this in mind as we review some really awesome tax deduction guidelines.

5) Swimming Pools: It is often difficult to obtain a medical deduction for the installation of a swimming pool.

My important commentary: Who tried to write off their pool?! Did they try to write off their speedo and pina colada as medically necessary, as well? If there is a letter about this on file I want to see it RIGHT NOW!

4) Work Clothes and Uniforms: You can deduct the cost and upkeep of work clothes if the following two requirements are met.
1. You must wear them as a condition of your employment.
2. The clothes are not suitable (polite for really lame) for everyday wear.

CAUTION: Some outfits get made fun of here.

Examples of workers who may be able to deduct the cost and upkeep of work clothes are: delivery workers, firefighters, healthcare workers, law enforcement officers, letter carriers, professional athletes and transportation workers (air, rail, bus etc.).

My important commentary: For all y'all that wore your mail-man uniform out to the bar to look cool...even the IRS thinks you look like an idiot.

3) Kidnapped child: You may be eligible to claim the exemption for a child even if the child has been kidnapped.

My important commentary: Anyone else feel that a MAJOR POINT has been missed here. So your child goes missing for a whole tax year and your busy "double checking" to see if it's okay that you claim your child as a dependent despite the fact that the child has been "living" elsewhere...i.e some scary-ass, mildew-y basement.

2) Wristwatches: You cannot deduct the cost of a wristwatch, even if there is a job requirement they you know the correct time to properly perform your duties.

My important commentary: NICE TRY! And by the way, I'm not sure if I know of any job where not knowing the time doesn't really matter.

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...

The following may be included as medical expenses on a Schedule A

1) Wigs: A wig, if it is essential to your mental health and not just for enhancing your personal appearance.

My important commentary: Can anyone say SUBJECTIVE? Who got this one passed, Dolly Parton?

I hope this information was helpful. Tootles!

oh and these guidelines were compliments of The Earnst & Young Tax Guide 2006.

8 Wonder(ing)s of the World

As I sit here in the Office Home with Office Raider, we are pondering some really difficult questions. Do you know the answers to these?

1. Why is the bible printed on that cheapo tracing paper?

2. Why are universities so damn friendly after you graduate? Would it not behoove them to be a little sweeter while you were actually there?

3. How come people from the early 1900's and Madonna have that weird pseudo British accent?

4. What was with the Pilgrims and those stupid buckle shoes?

6. How did George Washington get so much action with that awful hairdo?

6. How come sprinkles always seem like a great idea but in real life they don't taste like anything?

7. Why does Gristedes grocery store appear to be operating from a business plan that emphasizes disgusting-ness?

8. Why are children's fairy tales so scary? Office Raider is still training to push her kidnapper in the oven like Gretel had to do.

If you are able to correctly answer any of these questions, you will win a really incredible prize. Actually, that's not true.

Some Firsts for 2007

First Confessions of 2007: I always hated Henry Warnimont...Punky Brewster's legal guardian. Also, there was an episode where Punky and Cherrie were playing hide-and-go-seek and Cherrie hid in a refrigerator and passed out. This made me really afraid of unplugged refrigerators.

First Catastrophe of 2007: Office Knight had a lapse in maturity and took my battery-powered, mini whisk (with which I use to make Cappucinos) and stuck it in my beautiful mane. This formed a small, but tightly coiled knot in my hair. This took several minutes to resolve.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!