Verizon- Inside Edition

Yesterday something happened. Something awful happened TO ME. I was held hostage for roughly 45 minutes by Verizon. The situation was so asinine that I kept my cool the entire time because a large part of me was fairly convinced that it must be one of those "boiling point" game shows and that at any point I was going to be rewarded a petty amount of cash for my patience. This was not the case. It was, indeed, just truly incompetent folks delivering the world's worst customer service...in an inclimate room...with no chairs. What was I doing there? Simply relinquishing my Fios equipment, a service I highly rated until I tried to get rid of it. I will not bore you with the details of why this took so long but it involved only ONE unfit employee in a large store front, some nerdy guys with a confusing technical problem, an old guy with a hearing problem, a rotund woman with a money problem, some foreigners with an attitude problem and a hipster with a hair problem. Not a big deal...I was eventually released and left the others to perish. Bottom line is it is clear to me that Verizon, through my years of dealing with them across their various business units, prides themselves on employing morons and operating at an astounding level of inefficiency. This is obviously a less traditional business model but appears to be working for them. Bravo.

A MOCKUMENTARY: Sister & The Bugs

This is brilliant film was created by my sister, OfficeKnight. It chronicles my irrational fears. ENJOY

PERFECT FACE IS BORN

If you don't know...now you know. I am a huge makeup, beauty junky...if I'm gonna talk nonsense and trash I figure I should try to look good doing it! Soooo if you're looking for a chuckle and the best mascara around this is where you should turn!!
Click Here for PerfectFaceNYC

Can I get away with a "Best of??"

Because I've been posting vapid thoughts lately I'm, frankly, concerned that my supportive friends, family and newcomers (aka those who stumble upon the blog bc they're googling Abe Lincoln images and tanning) are gonna take one peek at this site and fall asleep... soooo I'm going to put links below to some of my favorite blogs on this site...Many are written by me and some also written by my wise sister OfficeKnight (who basically invtented Officetan):

Struggles with Literature

Controversial Confessions
There are NO Books in Johnny's Room

Poking Fun at Institutions

The MAN
Nice Vision
The REAL Deal on Real Estate

Valiantly Challenging Convention

BREAKING NEWS: Being Prude is Extremely Important
Donatella Versace is in BIG Trouble
That's Quite a Dream There, Joe

Peculiar Events

The New Lair of Office Raider

There have been some recent things going on in my life that I NEVER thought would ever take place...let's review...

1. I'm moving into a converted church (Everyone's outbursts of laughter confirms the absurdity of this circumstance).
2. I'm involved in Fantasy Football and spending a great deal of time on it bc I'm obviously really confused by the whole process...that's it for now. I'll keep you posted on how it's going
3. It's finally happening...lay-offs are looming at the Office Raiders of America Inc... (sniff sniff...maybe I can clean the "church" grounds for an extra buck?) I realize this isn't that weird I was just enjoying believing I was sheltered from the sh!t storm that has been underway for the rest of the world for almost 3 years now
   
4. It turns out the new "church" lair was also once a brothel...this is less odd than my living in a place of worship actually but still not exactly fitting
5. There's Bud Light in my fridge
6. I've sprouted several gray hairs
7. More often than not, I prefer Sauvignon Blanc over vodka...it's only a matter of time 'till I get my cougar belt
   
8. I'm writing incredibly stupid blogs ONLY about myself like it's my damn journal...

Nighty night!

Violence on Labor Day- Egg Duel

I've Been Busy...

So...it's been brought to my attention by a digital media master mind (hint: twitter.com/kcavery) that I am struggling with my online brand identity. This is due to the hefty (albeit self imposed) constraints that are placed upon me by the folks that own my soul in the corporate world. If someone would sponsor MY foundation for MY better life I would be able to share tons of interesting factoids about myself and my escapades as an incredibly enthralling human (teaser alert...should I put a link to my paypal account?). One thing that Kcavery has informed me of that has made me feel extremely nervous is that the interface upon which this very blog resides is the blogosphere equivalent to myspace... aka my blog is not fancy and advance and needs to be migrated "on up" a la the Jeffersons. So stay tuned to as Officetan maybe having a yard sale and packing it in as it searches for new, hipper digs because it's now immensely embarrassed. Similarly, its author finds herself in the same predicament as she hunts for a new nest not in the Hudson River.
In the meantime, I'd like to share with my devoted readership what I've been spending a lot of my time thinking about -peacocking- and not because I am the off-spring of a zoo luminary or because my proverbial biological clock is ticking (that's so 80's).

Urban dictionary: Peacocking means dressing for attention. Just like Peacock's use their feathers to get a mate.
I'd like to point out that their definition is quite limited because pretty much by default being a dame is basically a 24 hour peacocking existence. Let's review:

-Large poofs of hair: styled and dyed in a number of different ways on any given day- peacocking
-Impractical footwear: Walking on needles can only serve one purpose- peacocking
-Inappropriate hemlines: We can see your be@ver. Peacocking
- Makeup: are those dead spiders on your eyelids or you just trying to impress me?? Peacocking
- Questionable underoos: Thongs- a purposeful and attractive wedgie to prevent the dreaded VPL (visible panty lines); Push Up Bras- let's strap a pull out couch to our chests to lure men folk and exacerbate our scoliosis. PEA-EFFIN- COCKING
- Nail "Flair:" This can vary but some believe that having holiday themed decals or especially long, neon colored nails are a nice idea. Need I say more?

...As a result, it is no longer sufficient for us lady folk to just exist in our bizarre costume-like attire and weaves to lure in prospective suitors so I've been brainstorming other peacocking methods and will post about those in the near future.

(Disclaimer: This post is laden with stereotypes. Don't get, like, pissed)

Digital ABE

Thanks to youtube and google, dare I state the obvious, we all have a tundra of information literally at our fingertips. Just when I was feeling bad for myself for only reading the Twilight books I realized that I have other redeeming qualities when it comes to my depth: I have become a modern day Abraham Lincoln (sorta, let me have my moment). So what if I don't sit in a musty library with smelly books? I thought I would reflect on all the things that I've taught myself with a few well-configured key word searches:

• How to poach an egg
• How to apply false eyelashes
• How to replicate McDonald's "special sauce"
• How to use a blackberry without a trackball
• How to fix hyper pigmentation (dark spots on ur face) with baking soda
• How to do my makeup
• How to do my hair
  
• Everything there is to know about HD TV's (ask me anything you want to know about HDMI cables etc)
• Where and how to get a custom made corset
  
• How to breakdown "read only" files
• Everything there is to know about PDF's and OCR (optical character recognition)
• The best back up solution for my computer
• Can I still eat this: Food that I defrosted and refroze? Food that has been sitting there for a few days and is making me feel nervous but throwing it out makes me feel like a bad person
• The health benefits of pine nut oil and where to buy
• Calories in just about everything (I have still not had a Margarita to date)
• How to get gum off my patent leather shoes
• Is he married?

Facebook: Status Updates that I advise against

The following are status updates I encourage you to stay away from on Facebook because they're dumb. I have a very mainstream mind so I know.

"At the gym/running/yoga etc:" Unless you're in sick shape do not post this on a regular basis because it will make people wonder why you're always at the gym/exercising so much but don't seem to be very fit and that's unfortunate.

"Sick:" Shut up. Now we all feel like we have to reply with "feel better." How sick are you? Clearly not sick enough to be face down in your bed because you're on facebook annoying everyone.

"Cleaning/laundry etc:" I have my own damn chores. I don't want to think about yours.

"Soooo stressed:" Wtf are we supposed to do with this? Are we supposed to ask what's wrong and then listen to an awful story about your job laden with industry jargon and proprietary terms we don't understand? Are we supposed to commiserate about the economy? Facebook is not your therapist.

"Sleep:" Get a clue. This is not an "update." What's next real-time "blink" updates?

Now some general rules...

DO NOT:

Send cryptic, loaded messages to an ex/love interest via your status update. We all know what you're doing and it looks pathetic.

Reference anything to do with your bodily functions (or malfunctions). Seriously, do you ever want to get laid again?

Study Results: Don't Spank

Guess what? The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not endorse spanking for any reason ( a quote from a Yahoo News article-click above to link). This is riveting information really...I'll give you my version of the results...if your kid embarrasses the crap out of you in a Target and ruins everyone else's shopping experience (everyone loves them some Target) you are to calmly discipline them and give them a time out so they understand going forward that public displays of douche-baggery are not ok (even if you're only a toddler). The study found smacking a kid's behind does shut them up immediately (thank god) but makes them rude and annoying when they're older. Is this what went wrong with a bunch of us? Freud? Here's my question though...one of logistics actually...are you supposed to carry a naughty stool everywhere you go? Do you put the kid in time out alone in a public place? Isn't that sorta, like, increasing the likelihood for something molest-y to happen? There are a lot of other things I could be talking about certainly, but whenever I see a dead serious quote with the word "spank" in it, I'm sorry, but it can't be ignored.

FARMVILLE: An Investigation

Look- I wasn't born 6 weeks ago. I'm gonna officially ask the question that many of us are currently pondering: WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH FARMVILLE? I have to believe that I'm missing some details because I can not accept that tons of "grown-ups" are this consumed with harvesting fake crops. So I'm gonna just be blunt: what the flock is going on?! Is there money at stake? Is it an elite sex ring? I know that adults don't really bother this much with tasks that don't either increase their net worth or get them laid. Don't agree? Let's use a benign example like knitting. Knitting is sorta "in" amongst young white folk. Why? Because it makes one seem more dynamic and/or even nostalgic (like who the eff actually needs to knit anymore?). So why would one want to strike others as dynamic or nostalgic? Because it could ultimately lead to more banging. Ur probably thinking that's a shallow and outlandish conclusion. It is conceivable that people knit just because they find it entertaining and relaxing. Well, you know what else is entertaining and relaxing? Watching the 500+ channels of cable TV you have at your fingertips! BUT...everyone knows that's perceived as oafish to spend your whole life watching TV...it's not a good "story." I knit and spelunk is a much sexier story. So my charge is: Farmville is some kind of pimp-gambling scandal and we're all missing out on some sort of hedonistic virtual society masquerading as a dweeby game.

The MAN

Officetan is not the place for politics...it's a place where a very few people gather to read my musings on a random selection of topics and if I didn't worry that my professional reputation would be compromised I'd talk a helluva lot more shiz than I already do... I do have a question though...and it truly isn't rhetorical:

How come many of the people that are upset that the government is going to require Americans to purchase health insurance (if not available through their employers) are the same people that want the government to rule that gay folk shouldn't be allowed to marry (aka bore themselves to death like the rest of us)? If the concern is Govt getting too big...don't cha think these two issues have conflicting ideologies in terms of the government's role? Plus let's consider some things (for fun really, not saying I'm for being mandated to do anything) that government already makes us do for our own "well being:"

Seat belts (besides New Hampshire, obvi): Hello!? Rumple a good outfit much? Plus anyone knows that if you sit bi*ch it's nearly impossible to find your seat belt without groping your seat neighbor. If we want to fly threw a windshield, let that be OUR choice. Thankyouverymuch.

Jay-Walking: This law raises several conflicts...especially for those in urban and rural areas. First, if you're in an urban area, you have to jay walk. It's just what people do...the pedestrian flow of traffic will always be too dense and/or too slow for a large subset of humans (especially near the Port Authority or Grand Central...people like to rush to return to Jersey or Conneticut). In rural areas the problem is quite different...there may not be a clear line of demarcation between the road and the sidewalk, there may be no sidewalk at all, or the sidewalk may be filled with wandering bovines...really at any given time a rural dwelling human may need to take it to the street for one reason or another.

Public Intoxication: You're not supposed to drive your car but you're not supposed to traipse around drunk either? Well how the eff are you supposed to get home from the damn party?!

Prostitution (Except for Nevada- not including Clark County though which is where Vegas is ya know): This is kind of a nosy law too. Hooking is apparently a fairly efficient way for "unskilled" individuals to make money and it is in incredibly high demand. Sometimes people (mostly males) need a snuggle and don't have time for dinner and movie...like it or not. Because love and banging aren't supposed to be mutually exclusive we're all supposed act really horrified about the prospect of paying for nook. Not to mention that this service conflicts with our "iron clad" family values. One could say maybe it's because of the potential health hazards...but there are health risks associated with getting manicures too...just sayin.

Marijuana: people seem to like it and it doesn't seem to make people shoot one another...wouldn't this be a nice way to generate some extra tax revenue? Perhaps the concern lies in the extreme that it makes some people useless but the reality is the world could use another hall monitor.

(Please understand this is for fun...I am not advocating that we not wear our seat belts, get hammered and high and find ourselves a hooker)

DEEP THOUGHTS

I've had a severe lapse in creativity in the past few weeks so I thought I would share just some random thoughts/questions etc that pass through my mind...of course what I think is extremely crucial to you all.

The majority of people that are afraid to fly are also control freaks

Talking about bodily functions will NOT lead to greater intimacy in the beginning of a relationship

Why are nipples private on women?

Being white is apparently going out of style

Check for eye boogers regularly

Check for ear wax regularly

When someone falls don't make too big of a scene...their ego is most likely the only thing injured

Don't give annoying, unsolicited advice

Shamelessly self promote. Saying things "in passing" to sound cool is really embarrassing

Act confused when people get pissed at you. It's hard to stay pissed at a confused person

Brother Jimmy's waters down all their booze. I know this for sure

Don't touch girls to get their attention at a bar. It's creepy and annoying

If someone drinks too much, has a bad attitude, has icky teeth or comes across as homosexual it is acceptable if they're "European."

Don't ask girls to dance (Unless you're in 8th grade)

Everyone twitches in their sleep

Liking hot dogs is no longer frowned upon (I think)

Does anyone know the answer to this: If you can smell yourself can others smell you too?

If you blame spotty cell service for someone not replying to a text msg they're probably ignoring you

I wonder how many relationships have been ruined or strained due to spotty cell service?

If you match your clothes too well you look like a baby

Serenades are rarely welcomed or effective

Does anyone still buy Spam or olive loaf?

Childhood Myths: True or False

Peeing in the Pool: If you pee in the pool, there is a chemical that will react to turn the water green to mark off the perpetrator. Any fist-pumping, Ketel-One guzzling, house-music loving pool party hopper (especially in Vegas, LA or Miami) is thankful this one is a hoax.

Gum Tree: If you swallow your gum, a "gum tree" will grow in your stomach...I'm not convinced this is entirely inaccurate.

Permanent Ugly Face: If you make a distorted face, especially at a guardian or parent in charge, if you hold it for too long your face will stay that way...I think this one is definitely true. There's a lot of people out there with perma-expressions like those that look like they're smelling an unpleasant odor, or unscrewing a really tight lid.

Wet Hair Disease: If you go out side with wet hair you'll get sick. False. Explain swimming and every other water sport.

Crossed Eyes: All I know is that it is not wise to keep your eyes crossed for t00 long...whether they'll stay crossed I'm not sure about. If that's how crossed-eyed people came to be I don't think they'd want to implicate themselves.

Office Lingo: DECODED

Let's take that off-line: SHUT UP!

Low hanging fruit: easy crap

Re-structuring: your ass is getting fired

Sensitivity training: we know everyone never really grows up and the subject matter of a particular facet of our business will be a generous source of dirty jokes so we have to attempt to remind our workforce to pretend to be mature.

Team building: seeing your colleagues in their gross sneakers

Taking it to the next level: doing the same nonsense that you did before and hyping it up to sound really important

Face Time: when someone checks their email, manages their personal finance, bids on some stuff on ebay, prices trips they're not taking any time soon, googles a new flame and IM's with all their foolish friends doing the same thing at either absurdly early or late hours to look really devoted and serious

Same Net-Net: a response delivered when your idea or comment contributed nothing

Associate (TITLE): You've just been given extra work for which you are not being paid

Now we're cookin' with gas: A really, really, REALLY LAME way of saying good job

Opportunities for Development: areas that you suck at

Cool Things to Watch for When it Rains

1. People running that really SHOULD NOT run
2. Men sharing umbrellas while trying to look as straight as possible in the process
   
3. Poofy Hair
4. Flat Hair
5. Excessive amounts of squinting
6. Excessive amounts of grimacing
7. Unexplained absences from social functions (some people aren't water proof)
   
8. Seasonal Affective Disorder flair ups
9. Creative footwear
10. Fat guys with Golf umbrellas
    

Traits Common amongst Annoying People

These are not hard and fast rules but I have observed that several of these traits seem to co-exist in an annoying person. If you identify with some of these you might be a little annoying. Sorry.

1. Fantasizing about the number of attendees at your funeral if you were to suddenly die
   
2. Getting pissed way too easily (i.e. shouting at airline personnel because a flight is delayed. This is a dumb and annoying thing to do and will not change the outcome.)
3. Asking for praise before anyone has had a chance to give it to you
4. Having hair that looks perpetually wet
5. Asking large amounts of rhetorical questions ("How can you eat that!?)
6. Breathing loudly
7. Sneezing loudly
8. Driving recklessly in efforts to look cool/impress a chick
9. Being OCD about organic foods. If you're open to oral sex, you can stomach a pesticide here and there.
   
10. Telling people they look tired
11. Walking funny (this excludes those with disabilities of course)
    
12. Having too many stories that seem to almost bring you to tears that you're willing to share with just about anyone.
13. Nose breath
14. Buying into conspiracy theories...like, always ("the govt has a cure for cancer")
    
15. Touching the bellies of pregnant women whom you barely know
    

Awesome Quotes-Updated

I have had a lapse in creativity as of late. Fortunately over the years the people around me have said some really ridiculous things. Here's a few things various people in my life have said:

I love drawing dicks

Darn these plastic things

Who's gonna be the next hot mess I'm gonna date?

Assholes ruin lives

I can't picture myself making love to another woman

For as long as I have a face you will have a place to sit

Why's the peanut butter on the floor?

C'mon Dan, we've got birds in the car

Don't ask me! I date homeless people

You'll be too bored to cry

Last time I went on a free trip I got raped in a laundry room

They [boobs] must have grown steadily each day we've been apart

That girl gives good blowdryers

No vogue-ing and driving

Is butter a carb?

That girl is 10 minutes away from being fat

That's impossible...I know every adult gorilla in this country

There's 6 billion people on this planet...can't you go spend some time with them!?

I love Miss Piggy...she's just so glamorous!

Fine! I'll sleep downstairs and get robbed!

It was the only time I ever laughed and jerked off at the same time

[At the DMV] This ain't no modeling agency!

[looking at a pigeon] Oh look a chicken...quack quack!

I've never had sex with a fat person...have I?

He smelled like a sneeze

I'm so cold I'm gonna light myself on fire

Holy sh*t! There's not even a fat one to ruin it!

Who has dusty holes?

I wish he would jump into a garbage can and light it on fire

I'm the king of caulk!

Y'all are real regular

I'm hung like a field mouse

Oh grooming is really important...if you have lice, you're in big trouble

Candy (Thanks ladies for the inspiration!)

Valentines Day is upon us so let us get in the spirit! I'm looking forward to the candy hearts...if I was in charge they would be inscribed with a variety of phrases that convey every kind of emotion and gesture...especially sentiments that maybe aren't so easy to share. Let the candy do the talking!

Here are some ideas (don't steal them, Candy Makers!)

Google me
Confuse me
Roofie me
Scare me
Stalk me
Alienate me
Ignore me
Defriend me
Befriend me
Choke me
Spoon me
Leer at me
Ping me
Bbm me
Mms me
Sms me
Gps me
Tickle me
BS me
Tag me
UNtag me
Disappoint me
Bore me
Disgust me
Irk me
Squish me
Sext me
Poke me
Write on my wall
Kick me
Feed me
Sniff my hair
Deck me
Humiliate me
Forget me
Skype me
Turn the lights off
Turn the lights on
Massage me
Carry me
Drug me
Noogie me
Wax me
Intrigue me
Fax me (that's for the older folk)
Stop singing
Relinquish the remote
Don't touch
Have a personality
Find a gym
Get lost
Nice comb-over
Buy a vowel
Buy a clue
Off yourself
Up your Prozac
Listerine EVERYDAY!
Move on
And of course...
Effin' hug me!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Seriously?

On the behalf of my dog, am I supposed to be aroused or hungry?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry